


To Keep a Secret....

by firephoenix84



Category: Emergency!
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-18 00:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 62,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1407586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firephoenix84/pseuds/firephoenix84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Station 51 receives the department's first female firefighter and from the start something doesn't seem right. In an effort to help her adjust to life at the station Stoker tries to befriend her, but Jesse is reluctant in becoming part of the "family". As he continues to try to help her through the pain their relationship turns into more. Keeping the relationship secret proves to be a difficult task.<br/>This is an OC centered story! If that is not your thing you may want to sit this one out.<br/>Also contains adult situations.<br/>Story posted on another fanfic site. This is an expanded version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the original characters of Emergency!. I promise to dust them off and return them to their respectable spots. I do own Jesse Johnson.

Ch. 1

_Flames and thick black surrounded the pair as they attempted to advance through the warehouse. It was uncomfortably hot, but they carried on. Despite the team’s best efforts the dragon continued to advance fueled by self-preservation and massive amounts of chemicals. Two hours into the losing battle exhaustion crept up on the pair. As they were preparing to trade places Captain Moore’s voice came over the radio._

_“Engine 12 to HT 12.”_

_“This is HT 12, go ahead Engine 12.”_

_“The fire is advancing quickly in your direction. Get out of there!”_

_“10-4 Captain Moore. We are on our way.”_

_“Come on Jesse; we got to jet!”_

_Continuing to advance deeper his partner shook her head. She didn’t want to give up so easily. Defeat was a word she seldom used. Pulling the line forward she began to go down a narrow hallway._

_“Come on Weaver! Give me a couple more minutes I…”_

_“You heard Captain. Now let’s GO!” Weaver commanded._

_Weaver grabbed her arm and pulled her toward egress. Reluctantly she gave in and turned off the water. She didn’t need an ass chewing from Captain Moore. When he gave orders he meant it and did not tolerate insubordination. His punishments for such actions were harsh to say the least. Together they headed out navigating through the fiery debris and hoses being sure to keep contact with each other. Thick black smoke filled the area making sight impossible so she relied on the mental map she’d made on entry. The temperature was rising quickly. The dragon was close and getting closer. Her pace quickened and Jesse didn’t notice he’d lost his grip on her. As she continued forward the floor began to shift. Her eyes grew wide._

_“How does a solid floor shift?!”_

_She turned to grab Weaver, but it was too late he was gone. Jesse quickly scanned the area hoping he’d jumped out of the way, but the only thing visible was embers and smoke pouring out of a freshly opened hole. She quickly ran to the edge of the hole seeing it led into a basement._

_“I don’t recall Captain mentioning anything about a basement.” She said out loud to no one in particular._

_Falling to the floor on her stomach she crawled to the edge. Her pulse rate quickened and she began to feel short of breath, panic was setting in. Two feet directly below Weaver was hanging on a beam protruding from the floor. He struggled to maintain his grip, but it was quickly failing. Reaching out Jesse grabbed his jacket and SCBA straps. She tried desperately to pull him up. Her arms felt as though they were being torn apart, but she refused to give up._

_“Come on! Come on! I can’t give up. I can’t lose my brother.”_

_The straps dug deeply in her hands despite the leather gloves covering them. As embers burned her skin she screamed loudly, but maintained a tight grip on the air tank’s wide straps._

_“Jesse, let me go! There is no sense in both of us falling.”_

_“No Brandon. I’m not letting you go! Give me your hand!” She begged._

_“No Jess, LET GO! It will be ok.”_

_She looked into his face and was surprised to see no fear there; his blue eyes were calm and peaceful._

_“It will be ok. Just let go. I’ll be with you always. Tell my parents I love them. Tell them to remember John 15:13.”_

_Jess began to slip forward and screamed as the embers burned deeper in her abdomen. Her grip quickly diminished when her left shoulder popped loudly. Her frantic efforts to regain her grip only accelerated her slide to the edge of the hole. Her fingers slipped from under the straps. Unable to hang on any longer she watched in horror as he fell into the smoke and fire filled abyss._

“NNNNNOOOOOOO!”

Bolting upright in bed, Jesse woke from the nightmare drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Staring into the darkness she could still see the look on Brandon’s face as he fell. It was hauntingly peaceful. Trying hard to stifle the tears threatening her tired eyes her body shook uncontrollably.

“Shit! When will this stop?!” She yelled into the quiet.

_All that damn counseling and medication for what, so the memories of that night can still haunt me?_

After glancing at the alarm clock she cursed again. “That figures, its four A.M. That was the time that IT happened.”

She picked up the clock and threw it against the wall in a fit of rage. The impact with the wall caused it to explode leaving the room was in total darkness. Angrily she flipped the switch on the lamp sitting on a rickety bedside table. Another round of cursing left her mouth as she dragged an unwilling body out of bed.

Stumbling around in the darkness Jesse tried to avoid the unpacked boxes that littered the floor in the narrow hall. Unpacking wasn’t on the agenda at least for now. It seemed too permanent. Once in the kitchen she flipped on the dim light and fished the stainless steel percolator out of the drain board. As she was adding the grounds memories of her probationary time at Cedar Creek’s Station 12 flashed in her mind.

_“Damn it, Johnson! How many times to I have to tell you it’s the Probies job to make the coffee! It better be good.”_

_“Lay off Davis. She’s still new. If you will quit your bitching she already has it made. It’s not bad either.”_

_Davis snatched the pot off the gas stove angrily. He hated it when Hoover sided with the Probie. To him Probies were only good for one thing manual labor. It was bad enough there were two of them and one was a female._

_“We’ll see about that, Hoover”_

_Taking a sip Davis’ eyebrows rose in surprise. He turned toward Jesse sitting at the table reading the paper. She shot him a smug look from over the paper._

_“Not bad Probie. It’s not great but it’s not bad. Hell at least it’s better than that shit McGreggor serves. Anything is better than McGreggor’s.”_

_“Hey I take offense to that laddie! My cooking isn’t that bad, ya know. I could be servin’ haggis. How would ya like that?” McGreggor countered in his thick Scottish accent._

Jesse chuckled as she set the pot on the stove. She missed the guys at Station 12, but things would never be the same there, not after what she’d done. The department psychiatrist said she was running from the problem when she announced that she was leaving Texas in search of a fresh start. In an act of defiance she told the shrink that he could go to hell and proceeded to tear her file in half. After throwing the file on the doctor’s desk she promptly left the office slamming the door behind her.

She loaded the navy Chevy truck in complete darkness and simply drove away. The only people who knew she was leaving were the department psychiatrist and Captain Moore. Captain’s only response was for her to ‘ _go_ _fuck herself and good riddance_.’ If the others knew they would only waste time trying to convince her to stay, that healing was possible. Jesse drove till she couldn’t drive any longer and ended up in Carson, California.  After finding an affordable apartment she headed to the local fire department headquarters in search of a job.

The Brass at the LA County fire department were reluctant in hiring the first female ever to their department. However after seeing her resume and some convincing by their attorney they agreed to a position as lineman at Station 51 on the condition that there would be no special treatment. Special treatment was not something that she wanted anyway. She was more than capable of doing the job without it. To the amazement of the proctor she passed the required physical fitness exam well above the cadets. A couple of days later she picked up a stack of uniforms and a set of turnout gear with orders to report for duty on June 15 to Station 51.

                                                                                                      E!

Two and a half hours later she pulled into the station and parked beside a white Rover. Getting out of the truck she grabbed a gear bag from the passenger side and took a long deep breath. Jesse felt nervous as she crossed the parking lot into the apparatus bay via a side door. The first thing she noticed was a rescue squad. She hung her head and gave a long sigh.

 _Great! The one station that has an opening comes complete with a paramedic rescue squad._ _Headquarters has one hell of a sense of humor._

As she wondered how the men at the station would react to having a female work alongside them she took a deep calming breath and rounded the squad.

E!

Johnny sat at the kitchen table searching the plate of donuts for a jelly filled. He picked up each donut and looked under it hoping he only over looked his favorite flavor. Taking a plain cake off the top he gave a discouraged look and shoved the plate away.

“Gee all I want is a jelly filled. Is that too much to ask?”

“Well, Johnny, if you’d get here early enough there might be one here.”, Mike said calmly as he placed his mug in the sink and proceeded to the bay.

Roy topped off his nearly empty cup of coffee and joined his partner at the table. He placed his arm on the table as he took a long drink of the stout black liquid. Realizing it was Stoker’s coffee he gave a small smile. He leaned toward his partner of six years seated with him.

“You know, I’m really happy for Marco. I never thought he’d get assigned so quickly. I hear 46’s is a great place to work.”

Johnny shot him a famous Gage smile as he dunked his donut in the lukewarm coffee. He was glad for Marco, but also sad about how much he’d be missed. It was like losing part of the family. He hoped Marco’s replacement would fit in.

“Yeah and think of all the extra money being an engineer will provide. I mean he has to think about his growing family. Did you know his wife is expecting twins?”

“Twins?! Wow, that’s a lot for new parents to handle. It can be real scary.” Roy set his mug down.

“Well whatever scary thing you all are talking about will have to wait.” Captain Stanley said entering the day room carrying his famous clipboard and a cup of coffee.

He threw the clipboard on the table and headed to the stove for more coffee. A concerned and worried look filled his lean face. Having a female firefighter didn’t bother him. Chief McConikee assured him she was capable of performing the job with no trouble. McConikee also said she had paramedic training, but there was not an opening available. He stared at the men sitting at the table from under his thick eyebrows. He worried how his crew would handle the news from headquarters.

“Well, I finally heard from headquarters about Marco’s replacement. We are getting the department’s first female firefighter.”

Johnny leaned forward as he pointed two fingers at his superior. He knit his eyebrows in confusion, surely Cap was kidding.

“Come on Cap you’re pulling our leg, a girl?”

“Yes John, a girl will be replacing Marco.”

“B-b-but Cap…” Johnny stuttered.

Roy leaned back in his chair as he turned his mug around. He knew this day was coming, but hadn’t expected it so soon.

“I don’t have a problem as long as she can do the job as well as the next guy.”

“Thanks Roy. It’s an adjustment for all of us. However McConikee assures me that she is quite capable. I want everyone to make her feel welcome. Let me make it clear I do not want any of you trying to get a date. She is here to do a job and nothing more.”

Johnny leaned forward placing his arms on the table. His non regulation length hair fell in his face.

“AWWW! Come on Cap! Not even a couple of drinks at McMillan’s?” He said jokingly.

Giving him a stern look Cap pointed his clipboard at him. Sometimes it was hard to tell if Johnny was joking or not.

“No Gage! That’s an order, pal.” Cap replied firmly.

Johnny slunk back in the chair. Cap only called him Gage when he was serious. Roy laughed from behind his mug. His partner would do anything to score a date with a new female.

“It’s ok, John. I doubt you’d be her type anyway.”

“Shut up Roy! Who are you to say who her or my type is?”

E!

Jesse stopped at the doorway when she overheard the guys voicing their opinion at receiving a female as a replacement. Feeling the knot in her stomach tighten she dropped her gear bag to the floor. It landed with a soft thud against the cold concrete. A sudden wave of nausea caused a feeling of faintness and her heart raced frantically. The thundering pulse in her ears was deafening.

_Not again, not here!_

As she reached her hand out to lean against the wall she took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves. The nausea increased causing her hands to tremble uncontrollably. Jess took several more slow and deep breaths.

 _Come on Jess, get it together. It’s a new station with a fresh start; they don’t know what you did._ _That’s the reason I moved this far from home._

After the feeling passed she bent down to pick up her gear bag.

“Hey are you ok?”

The voice from behind caused her to jump. She thought the entire crew was in the kitchen. She turned around to see a handsome tall man polishing a chrome nozzle. His sandy hair was neatly kept and the department blue shirt stretched tightly across his broad chest. Her palms started to sweat and her mouth became dry as she struggled to find the words to respond.

_Damn, he’s hot!_

“Yeah…. “ She paused noticing his bright blue eyes. “I’m fine.”

He pointed toward the day room with the nozzle and flashed a smile that caused her heart to melt.

“I wouldn’t pay any attention to them. Just give them some time and they will learn that you’re just as capable as the next guy. Change is hard for them. I’m Mike Stoker, engineer.” He stated as he held out his hand.

She shook his hand firmly as she turned her gaze to the side of the squad. Fearing her eyes would reveal the pain she felt she tried to avoid eye contact whenever possible. It was easier this way.

“Jesse Johnson.”

Mike smiled warmly as he looked her over. She was slightly shorter than he was coming only to his shoulder, thin and athletic. Even though she probably wore a small her department shirt was a tad too big, the sleeves landed just below the elbow. Her short black hair and honey colored skin revealed she was probably of Native American descent.

“Welcome to 51’s.” He said warmly.

_Damn she’s good looking. I love that short hair; it would look even hotter if she spiked it. Most girls can’t pull it off, but wow she’s got it nailed. Cool it, Cap would never approve; he just gave a no dating order._

E!

Johnny came barreling out of the room running right into Jesse. The momentum of the impact knocked her right into Mike who stopped her from falling to the floor. Feeling his strong yet gentle hands holding her waist caused her pulse to increase and her face turned bright red.

"Johnny, will you watch where you're going. People do like to stand outside of the door. Jesse are you ok?"

As Mike helped her stand all she could do was nod and stare at the tall lean and almost boyish person in front of her. His shaggy hair danced lightly in the breeze that drafted thorough the bay. A look of surprise filled his dark face.

_She’s Native American! God I hope Chet leaves her alone. I don’t want the Phantom to cause her grief over her heritage._

"I’m sorry! I didn’t see you there." He responded honestly.

Feeling Mike's hand on the small of her back caused her heart skipped a beat _._ Johnny threw up his hands and stormed off to the squad. He slammed the doors and muttered under his breath as he checked the equipment.

"Uh, excuse me."

A stocky strawberry blond man came out of the day room and approached the squad. As he passed her she noticed a paramedic patch on his sleeve.

"Johnny, hang on. Let's talk about this."

Johnny slammed a door on the side of the squad before roughly opening another. He yanked the bio-com out of the side compartment as he glared fiercely at his partner.

"Talk about what, Roy? There's nothing bothering me. It's just...just...forget it."

Roy placed his hand on the equipment door as he shook his head. Even after six years of working with John he still had a hard time understanding him.

“Johnny you’ve been going on all morning about it, and then you tell me to forget it. You’re a real puzzle.”

Jess watched carefully the interaction between the two. Their relationship resembled her and Brandon’s. One was level headed and the other flew off on wild tangents. They were a perfect fit for each other. Upon hearing approaching footsteps she looked toward what she assumed was the Captain’s office. A tall lanky man sporting thick almost unruly eyebrows and wearing Captain’s bugles placed his hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“Mike, I see you’ve met Jesse. I’m Captain Stanley, welcome to 51.”

Jesse shook his hand again avoiding eye contact. Cap noticed her avoiding his gaze, but let it pass as first day jitters.

“Thanks sir. I’m looking forward to working here.”

Cap held up his hand. “Please call me Cap or Captain; sir is too formal save that for the chief. Mike show her the dorm and a locker pal. Gage in my office NOW!”

She was surprised at how friendly and approachable he was. It was a stark contrast to Captain Moore, who always demanded he be called ‘Sir’.

“Sure Cap. Come on the locker room is this way. We’ll get your gear situated. Then it will be time for roll call and you’ll meet the rest of the crew.”

E!

As they headed around the engine Jesse stared in amazement. A perfectly polished Ward LaFrance stood ready for response. Its hose neatly and carefully laid in the cross lay. Never in her career had she seen such a magnificent machine.

_Wow! It’s bigger than the one at 12’s._

He led her through a door to the locker area. The lockers were simple with wooden doors and were more than large enough to hold its owners things. She liked them better than the metal ones at 12’s that barley held her toiletries. He passed one grouping of lockers and stopped three down on the next set.

“Ok well you can use Marco’s old locker seeing as how it’s the only one open. It’s right here by mine and Chet’s.”

She opened the locker and set her bag on the floor of it. The sound of frantic footsteps startled her. Mike suddenly lost his balance almost running into her.

“Move it Stoker! I’m running late. You would not believe…Hey does Cap know you have your girlfriend in here?”

Jesse tried hard to cover the redness that formed on her face by looking intently at the floor.

“Chet, first off she is not my girlfriend and yes Cap knows she’s here. Jesse meet Chester B. Kelly, your partner. He is also known as The Phantom so watch your back.”

Chet looked her up and down in suspicion. He thought it was some kind of a joke till he saw the seriousness on Mike’s face.

“Call me Chet babe. Only my mother calls me Chester. I’m glad to meet you and look forward to working a line with you. Now please move I don’t want latrine duty today. Oh and he’s right about The Phantom, he lurks everywhere!”

“Don’t have to worry about that. Johnny has already made latrine officer of the day and possibly the rest of the month.”

“Damn Stoker! What did he do, burn Cap’s hat?”

Jessie quietly chuckled at the short Irishman. His mustache reminded her of Davis. Luckily he didn’t seem as abrupt and rude. Davis was always telling people to ‘Respect the ‘stash’. The short Irish engineer didn’t like her and was always causing her trouble. She learned early on how to properly handle a charged line. In order to show his displeasure at having a female on department he would often over charge her line.

Jesse unpacked her turnout gear and placed her toiletries on the shelf of her locker. She had brought only one set of department blues in case of emergency, the rest stayed at home. She never felt comfortable leaving more than one set. At 12’s the guys thought it was funny to cover her uniforms with itching powder then laugh when they caused her discomfort. As she hung them in the locker she asked Mike where they kept the turnouts.

“Well the pants and boots go by your bed. We only use them at night. You can leave your helmet and jacket on the seat behind mine. I don’t think Chet would like it if you put them on his seat. Come and I will show you your bunk.”

Mike led her through the door between the locker room and the dorm.

“This one is yours. Cap thought it best to put you here.”

He pointed to a bunk across the walkway from the Captain’s desk and right next to the door leading to the showers and another leading to the apparatus bay. She rolled her eyes. The last place she wanted to sleep was across from the Captain and next to the engineer.

“Just put your pants and boots at the end of the bed there. It’s almost time for roll call so let’s head back to the bay.”

Jesse placed her equipment on the seat directly behind the driver’s seat. She was still in awe over the massive size of the Ward. She placed the dress cap on her head and took a place in the lineup as Cap called roll call. Captain Stanley reviewed the notes attached to his clipboard before addressing his crew.

“Well first off, I’d like to introduce our newest crew member, Jesse Johnson…”

The Klaxons sounded interrupting his introduction. “Station 51 car accident at the corner of Las Colinas Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard. Las Colinas and Sunset. Time out 7:15.”

Jesse removed her cap and headed toward the engine. Passing John she noticed the stern look on his face. She wondered why he was called in the Cap’s office and hoped he wasn’t in too much trouble.

_Cap’s office must not have been kind._


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2

Engine 51 pulled on a dismal scene. Jesse turned in her seat cringing at what she saw; the accident involved two vehicles. A Chevy pickup had collided with a Dodge Charger then ricochet into a telephone pole which leaned precariously. Power lines were draped over the cab of the truck creating a hazard for both the driver and the people in charge of rescue. The Charger had rolled on the driver’s side and more than likely was leaking fuel. Police were already on scene and trying to control the growing crowd.

“LA Engine 51 at scene. We have a two vehicle accident with injuries unknown. Request ambulance this location.”

“10-4 Engine 51”

_Let’s try out Jesse’s paramedic training. John and Roy would benefit greatly from her assistance in some rescues and this one seems a good place to start._

“Chet pull the reel line and wash down that gas; the last thing we need is for it to go. Jesse assist Roy and John with extrication.”

Jesse gave a confused look before heading toward the Charger. Roy had already begun his assessment of the driver. She crouched down to his level noticing his face looked grim. The victim was entangled in the dashboard; blood covered her face and shirt. Her eyes were open wide in fear. Jess felt her stomach churn at the grisly sight.

Jesse already knew the answer but asked anyway. “What do you have Roy?”

He crawled out from under the car. He shook his head.

“She’s gone, bled out from a punctured carotid. I’m going to help John. Get a blanket and cover the victim. The crowd doesn’t need to see that.”

Her heart sank the woman looked so young. Jesse nodded and ran to the engine for an asbestos blanket. She pulled open a compartment and shook her head. 

_No blanket here. When I get back I need to learn this engine._

“What do you need?” Mike called out from the control panel.

“Asbestos blanket.”

Mike opened a compartment next to the pump panel and handed it to her. Noticing her face he inquired, “That bad huh?”

Jesse sadly nodded as she returned to the car. Losing a victim always bothered her especially someone so young. As she was placing the blanket across the woman she noticed a small shoe wedged between the seats. Reaching out she gently pulled on the shoe. It quickly retracted. Jesse’s heart raced as she moved to the rear door on her stomach.

“Hello? Can you hear me?”

She heard a small whimper and proceeded to remove the debris that was around her. Jess rapidly removed clothing and fast food containers throwing them out to the ground. Upon removal of a suitcase and a jacket she found a small girl.

“Hi sweetheart, hang on we’re going to get you out. Are you hurt anywhere?”

The child nodded and pointed toward her trapped leg. Though it was dim Jesse could see the child’s eyes were wide with fear.

“It hurts really bad. Please help me.” The child whispered.

Jesse started to move backward out of the wreckage. She needed help in extricating the child from the mangled car.

“Ok hang on. I will be right back; I have to get help.”

“No don’t leave me! I’m scared.” The little girl screamed with terror in her voice.

“It’s going to be ok, but I need you to stay calm, all right? I have to get some friends to help us.” Jesse soothed.

“Ok my leg hurts really bad. Please help me.”

Jesse leaned out from under the door.

“Cap, I need help over here! There’s a small child trapped in the backseat.” She yelled.

She crawled further into the narrow space. The rear door had been completely caved in by the impact and the seat was loose making entry almost impossible. Her jacket caught on a piece of metal that hung down from the B-pillar. She pulled hard and winced when she heard it tear. The metal dug in and she felt a warmth roll down her shoulder.

_Great! First day and I tear my jacket._

She tried hard to ignore the euphoric feeling the pain gave her and proceeded with the task at hand. Reaching into her shirt pocket she pulled out a pen light.

“Ok sweetheart. My name’s Jesse. I’m going to look you over to make sure you’re ok. If anything hurts let me know, ok?”

The child nodded. Her eyes were wide with fear and panic. Jesse checked the child’s pulse and respirations. Shining the light into the child’s eyes she noticed they were reactive but unequal. A look of concern filled her tired face.

“Jesse what do you have?” Came a muffled voice from outside.

_Great. Figures John would be the first over._

“A girl, she has her leg trapped under the passenger seat. Her pulse is 130 and respiration is 24 and shallow. Pupils are unequal but reactive. I can’t tell how bad the injury to her leg is. I need a c-collar and the porta-power.”

John stood stunned holding the bio-com and drug box. _Did she just rap off vitals?! Why does she need a c-collar? That’s not standard protocol. She’s not a paramedic. But then again maybe the girl really needs it. Jess is in there and I’m not._

“Okaaay porta-power is on its way.”

He reached into the trauma box that Cap had brought over and removed a c-collar.

“Here’s you c-collar.”

Johnny passed the collar through the narrow space. Grabbing it she turned her attention to the terrified child.

“What’s your name?” Jesse asked trying to keep the highly agitated child calm.

“C-c-Cindy. What’s that for?” the child counter terror filling her voice.

Jesse gave her a warm and kind smile. She held up the collar so the scared child could see and touch it. Jesse kept her voice low and calm as she answered Cindy’s question.

“Cindy, this is a special necklace. It helps keep you from getting hurt while we move you out.”

“It’s not very pretty.” Cindy pouted.

Jesse laughed softly. The girl had a point. Oversized cloth covered foam was not pretty at all. One day maybe they’d make them out of sturdier plastic. Foam wasn’t enough to provide sufficient support, but it was better that nothing.

“True but on you it will look like a necklace made for a princess.”

She gently wrapped it around the child’s neck securing the Velcro tightly. Johnny leaned in the car and passed through the requested equipment.

“Here’s the porta-power. Do you need anything else?”

Jesse shook her head as she placed it under the edge of the passenger seat. It was a small space and she felt like a circus contortionist. “Just be ready with a backboard. I don’t know if the impact damaged her spine or not. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

Johnny gave his partner a perplexed look. Roy just shrugged in return as he headed to the squad to retrieve the backboard from the rear compartment. Johnny scratched his head in confusion.

_What exactly was her job at her old assignment? This puzzle is getting even more difficult to solve._

“Ok Cindy, I need you to stay very still. This may hurt a little, but I need you to be very brave. I will have you out soon.” Jesse said. Her voice was muffled by the car’s wrecked interior.

Jesse pumped the lever till the seat popped forward. Bracing the seat to keep it from falling back in place she reaching under the seat and carefully removed the child’s foot. 

“Owwww. It hurts! MOMMY!” Cindy screamed.

Jesse did a quick assessment of the injury before backing out with the child. She noticed a fair amount of red blood was pouring from a long gash on the right leg. She tried hard to apply pressure to the flowing wound as she dragged Cindy backwards out of the car. The child’s bright red blood soaked Jesse’s gloves, turning them from tan to crimson.

_Possible arterial damage. Damn, I should have asked for a pressure bandage._

Outside the car John and Roy were waiting with a backboard unsure if it was needed or not. Jesse straddled the board and gently dragged the child on it. She gave the child another kind smile hoping it would ease her distress.

“Ok Cindy, you were very brave. I have to go, but I’m leaving you with a friend. This is John. He’s going to take very good care of you. Gage, watch her leg. There is a possible fracture with arterial injury.”

Ignoring the pain in her shoulder Jesse gently patted the child on her arm and proceeded to the engine to see if Chet needed any help.

Johnny watched as Jess slowly walked away, making note that she favored her left shoulder. His eyes quickly went to the jaggedly torn jacket. Seeing red around it caused his eyes to grow wide. He was still confused about her actions both in the car handling the victim and just now.

_She acted like a medic, but Cap hasn’t said anything about it._ _Maybe they trained their firemen different where she’s from. I swear if she’s hiding an injury…_


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

Jess stayed with Chet on the inch and a half line in case the power lines caused a fire. She studied the man in front of her. He was a tad taller than her sporting a stocky build. His curly hair danced in the gentle breeze. He seemed friendly enough, but maybe a tad annoying. Only time would tell if he would make an acceptable partner. Deep inside she felt no one would ever take Weaver’s place.

When the power company arrived Cap gave the order to roll up the lines. She climbed to the top of the engine and proceeded to place the line back in the cross lay being extra careful to keep it level and straight. Mike watched her carefully from the corner of his eye. He had a certain way he liked the hose to lay. Jess caught him watching her and crouched down on one knee at the edge of the cross lay. She knew each engineer had a specific way he liked the hose and was curious to his. He turned his face away quickly.

“Is there a problem, Stoker?” Jesse called down.

Cap watched from his post on the other side of the Ward. Mike was anal about almost everything on the engine. He wanted to see how Jess would handle his scrutiny of her hose laying techniques. Mike walked to the rear of the cross lay. He ran his hand up and down the folded hose making sure it was even with the bottom edge. Then he checked the distance between the sides. A look of surprise filled his face.

“I’m impressed; its way better than when Chet does it. Here let me help you down.” He replied placing his hands on her narrow hips. He tried hard to cover the troubled look that covered his face.

_Damn she’s small!_

Feeling her pulse quicken Jess quickly pushed his hands away. “It’s ok, I can do it.”

She slid down to the tail fin and quickly headed to her seat. She tried hard not to focus on how his touch made her feel. It was electric sending a chill up her spine. She sat in the seat behind the engineer seat with her head down. Jesse was certain her face was beet red. She’d never been attracted to a coworker before and wondered what made him so different. Mike watched her retreat feeling a tad confused. All he wanted to do was help her down so she wouldn’t slip on the wet tail fin.

_Maybe I made her uncomfortable._

E!

Once back at the station Jesse made a quick retreat to the locker room. She pulled out the necessary items from her gear bag and placed them on the bench. As she sat down the jacket was removed and thrown haphazardly on the wooden bench. She carefully inspected the tear by running a single finger through it.

_Damn another $300, guess old habits die hard. Maybe I will get a discount if I order them in bulk._

She laughed to herself then let out a long sigh. Today was the worst first day on record. She overstepped her job description and was injured in the process. Then she didn’t tell anyone, because she was afraid that Captain Stanley would ream her just like Captain Moore. Now she had to buy a new jacket and a replacement shirt. Not to mention the guys here were apprehensive about working with a female.

After carefully removing the shirt she inspected the damage in the mirror. Her flesh lay torn in a jagged line from the top of the shoulder down just below the curve of the upper part of the shoulder blade. It was too deep just for a bandage and bright red still seeped from the open wound causing her to cringe.

_Glad I’ve had a tetanus booster. Shit it really needs stitches! I don’t have time to do them here. Oh well butterflies it is. There’s only 21 hours left in this shift. It will be cutting it close, but I have no other choice. I don’t want to release Captain’s wrath._

She carefully tore the medical tape, formed it into butterflies and pulled the wound closed. After applying the nonstick pad an extra shirt was quickly put on. As she was hiding evidence of her injury in the bottom of the locker Johnny entered. His face filled with surprise.

“Um sorry, didn’t know you were in here.” He stated sincerely making sure to keep his eyes focused on the floor.

Jesse shrugged and directed her eyes to an imaginary spot on the polished concrete. It wasn’t the first time one of her shift mates walked in on her. At least this time it seemed a mistake. She softly jabbed the toe of her boot across the concrete.

“It’s ok I’m done. I’ll get out of your way.” She replied closing the locker. As she turned to leave her gaze never left the floor.

“Uh Jesse?” Johnny reached out and placed his hand on her bad shoulder.

Pain radiated across her back causing her to inhale sharply. Realizing that he’d hurt her he quickly withdrew his hand. Concern filled his chocolate brown eyes.

_So I did see something other than a torn jacket. Why didn’t she tell anyone? What is she afraid of?_

“I wanted to ask you about what happened back there. Ya know when you were in the car with the victim. You’re more than just a firefighter aren’t you?”

She shifted uncomfortably not liking where this conversation was leading. She’d hoped to hide her extensive medical background and no longer wanted any part of the paramedic program. In her eyes the rank of firefighter paramedic was no longer deserved. Not after what happened.

“I’m sorry I stepped out of line. It won’t happen again. It wasn’t my place to do what I did. Turn me into the Captain if you have to. I understand.”

Shaking his head Johnny placed his hands on his hips. She was quite a puzzle.

“Jess, I’m not taking this to Cap. I’m just trying to figure you out; there is more to you than you’re letting on. You really knew what you were doing back there.”

Wanting to be away from this conversation she turned to leave. After placing her hand on the door she addressed him.

“There’s nothing to figure out Gage. I merely stepped out of line in handling that victim. I tried to take charge of a situation I had no business taking charge of.”

He held the bridge of his nose between an index and middle finger. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to relinquish any information about her previous assignment so he decided to make a peace offering in hopes she’d open up.

“You were right about the girl’s leg. There was arterial damage. She’s going to be ok; Brackett stitched her up but she will have to spend a few nights at Rampart.”

“That’s good.” Jess replied softly.

He moved forward gently taking her elbow. Though this was her first shift her withdrawn and quiet behavior was starting to worry him.

“Hey uh Jess, I’m sorry about my attitude earlier. It’s just different having a girl around.”

Jesse shrugged still keeping her eyes glued to the floor. Again she shifted uncomfortably.

“It’s ok. Guess I’m having problems adjusting too.”

Johnny took a deep breath. “Jesse is your shoulder ok? I thought I saw something as you were pulling the girl out. I can take a look at it if you need me to.”

Jesse panicked. She tried hard to cover the fear that covered her face by refusing to look at the paramedic. _He noticed?!_

“Uh...yeah it’s ok.” she whispered as she left the room.

E!

Jesse quietly entered the dayroom and slipped in the first available chair. Mike looked up from the current issue of Engineering Today, and started to smile till he saw her face. It was pale and distraught as if she’d seen a ghost.

_What’s going on with her? She’s been withdrawn since we got back surely that wreck didn’t affect her that bad._

Chet looked up from the oven as he removed the heavy cast iron pot. He gave an obnoxious smile to his new partner.

“Hey there you are! We were fixing to send out the bloodhounds. Hey babe lunch is ready and you’re in for an epicurean delight.”

Chet set the pot on the table and pulled off the lid. Jess couldn’t even begin to describe what was in there. It looked kind of like he’d taken all the leftovers from the fridge and dumped them in. Mike leaned over toward her and pointed at it with his fork.

“Don’t worry it’s just firehouse stew. He claims everything he cooks is an epicurean delight, though I would suggest some antacids afterwards. I have plenty in my locker if you need some.”

She kept her head down and pushed the stew around the plate with a fork. She wasn’t really hungry. Food in general was not appealing. Chet leaned forward pointing a fork at her from across the table. His blue eyes stared in curiosity.

“Hey why aren’t you eating? My cooking is not that bad.”

The guys tried hard to stifle their laughter. Chet was by far the worst cook in the station. He was always serving some weird new concoction.

“Yeah, ok, Chet. Don’t be lying to the new guy. We all know how crappy your cooking is.” Johnny stated before erupting in laughter.

Jesse shrugged and continued to push the stew around the bright blue plate.

“Sorry Chet. I’m just not hungry.” I _haven’t been since the accident._

He returned his fork to his plate, reached for the dish of butter beside him and nudged Johnny who returned with an annoyed look.

“Well ok. When you do get hungry it’ll be in the oven. There’s plenty, some reason these chumps don’t appreciate firehouse stew. Since I like you I will even leave some of this bread.”

She forced herself to eat a few bites causing her stomach to turn in protest as she swallowed. _This is the worst stew I ever had; it’s worse than McGreggor’s._

Mike watched her intently worried about her behavior. Uncertainty filled him as he remembered seeing a crimson color around the tear in her jacket. His mind reviewed the information received at a crisis intervention class he’d taken recently.

_Withdrawn almost secretive behavior, lack of appetite, overall depressed demeanor all point to distress. Wait, I don’t know enough to make that call. It could be first day jitters. I’ll keep a close eye on you Jesse; if you get worse I’ll have to notify Cap._

Jess forced a couple more bites down before getting up and placing the plate on the counter. Assuming the new guy gets stuck with the dishes she drew water. Even though he was trying to keep his voice low she overheard Roy talking with Johnny.

“So did you ask?”

“Yeah but I couldn’t get anything. It’s a real puzzle Roy. She knew exactly what she was doing with that girl.”

“Give it time Junior. It is her first day; she’s trying to get a feel for us.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right. It just bothers me, people keeping secrets.”

Mike rose and carried his plate to the sink. Jesse gently accepted it but refused to look at him. He sighed as a towel was pulled from the drawer beside her. He’d never seen someone so reserved. Sometimes the new guy at the station was a little timid, but she was too quiet. Figuring she didn’t have any friends yet he decided to befriend her.

“Mind if I help dry?”

“Sure if ya want.” She replied softly.

He watched as she timidly placed a plate in the rack. Her eyes never left the counter and she made sure to keep her distance from him. Mike studied her closely and wondered what caused her to act this way.

Placing the dish in the cabinet he said, “So, uh, I’m having a barbeque on Saturday. If you’re not doing anything I’d like for you to come. It’s just going to be the guys. Cap and Roy are bringing their family. It would be a good chance for us to get to know one another.”

She softly shook her head. Hanging out with the guys wasn’t something she wanted to do. Getting close to them was not an option. “Sorry, I have plans.”

“Oh, ok. Maybe you can next time.” He replied sounding slightly dejected.

“Maybe.” Jesse whispered as she pulled the stopper.

Mike watched sadly as she walked out the door into the darkened bay.

_Jesse, what is it going to take for you to open up to us?_

E!

Jess had never been so glad to see her replacement from ‘B’ shift. She quickly threw the items from the locker in a bag. Not realizing that Stoker was in the locker room as well she pulled the blood stained shirt from its hiding spot at the back of the locker. Before stuffing it in the top of the bag she rolled it up tightly.

“Is that blood?!” said a panicked voice from behind.

She rapidly turned around to see Mike. Her eyes grew wide. Mike’s pulse increased exponentially at her fearful reaction. Shoving the shirt deeper in the bag she made sure to keep him focused on her instead of the shirt.

_Think quick Jesse. Come on think quick!_

“Uh yeah, it’s from the victim earlier. I guess my jacket was more open than I thought at scene.”

Mike eyed her suspiciously. He recalled seeing her jacket fully buckled and remembered seeing a bloody bandage in the trash last night. He didn’t know whose it was till now. She just lied to him, but he couldn’t prove it without going in her personal things.

_Add hiding injury to that list of signs. Why Jesse? Why hide an injury? No one here will harm you._

Mike ran his hand through his sandy hair. “Yeah always got to make sure that jacket is buttoned up. Never know what you’re getting in to.”

Jess game him a smug smile and headed out the door. He watched her leave cringing when a small spot of red was seen on the back of her shirt.

_Damn! She is in distress._

E!

He sat on the bench in front of his locker wondering if he needed to call a private conference with Captain Stanley. It was only the first shift they worked together, but hiding an injury was a serious matter. He didn’t acknowledge Johnny when he entered the dimly lit room. Johnny studied his friend from a few feet away. It was obvious that Mike was in conflict over something and he had a feeling what it was.

“Hey, uh, Mike you’re worried about her too, aren’t you?” He quietly stated as he leaned against a locker beside Stoker.

Mike looked up with concern at him. “Yeah, but it’s only her first day. However I believe there is more going on than just first shift jitters. There’s something about Jesse that screams distress, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

Johnny sat on the bench and ran a hand down his face. “I know what you mean. When I was talking to her earlier I got the same feeling. Something just isn’t right about her. I also think she was injured yesterday at the car wreck. I can’t for the life of me figure out why she didn’t tell anyone. It’s not like Cap would have yelled at her or anything. If he finds out she covered it up then he might, but Cap is a very calm guy.”

Mike rose and began to gather his things. After shoving the dirty clothes in the bag he leaned against the open door. “You noticed that she may be hurt too. I don’t think it I know. Just now when she was emptying her locker I saw the blood stained shirt. Jesse lied and said it came from the victim yesterday, but I know I saw her fully buckle her jacket before ever entering that car. Then as she was leaving there was a small spot of blood on her shoulder. Johnny, I don’t know what to do! Should I confront her or go straight to Captain Stanley? Hiding an injury is serious. I mean what if it gets infected or worse.”

“I think maybe we should wait on running to Cap. Tell ya what, how about you and I both keep an eye on her? Maybe she’s afraid of us because of her last assignment. If she gets worse then we go to Cap.” Johnny replied reluctantly.

“Yeah, ok. Will you do me a favor and check on her next shift? You know to make sure it’s not infected or anything. Hey I will see you next shift. I hope you enjoy your days off.”

Johnny shot him a grim look. “Yeah, Mike I can do that. Hopefully I will, but it is not looking to great. Betty and I broke up the other night. She said that dating a fireman was just too difficult. I kinda understand. She was always worrying about me.”

“Sorry to hear that. Take it easy, Johnny.”

E!

Jess pulled her mail out of the small box in the common area of the complex. She flipped through the large stack in the poorly lit mail room and gave a long sigh. The medical bills just kept coming and she was tired of fighting worker’s comp. Seeing that her next door neighbors box was full too she pulled out the contents being careful to keep them separated from each other. She gave a disgusted sigh as several beer bottles were kicked out of the way. She took the stairs two at a time in hopes of avoiding her other neighbor, Bobby. She didn’t want to hear another ‘lecture’ on the benefits of weed, not today. Today she wanted nothing more than to bury under the covers and hide from the world.

She softly knocked on the door to apartment 35B and waited patiently as the occupant made their way to the door. An elderly woman opened the door slowly and beamed when she saw who was there.

“Jesse! Child, how are you? Did you have another rough shift?”

Jesse nodded holding out the stack of mail. Mrs. Dunlap didn’t need to know that it was the first shift she’d worked with Station 51. The first “rough” day was the day she’d gone to headquarters.

“Yes ma’am, it was tough. I’m sorry I’ll have to skip coffee this morning. I need to get clean and sleep.”

The woman gently touched Jesse’s hand. “Ok honey, just remember my door is always open and the coffee is always fresh.”

“Yes ma’am. Have a great day Mrs. Dunlap.” Jesse replied as the key was jiggled the in the door and opened it.

Mrs. Dunlap shook her head sadly worried about her neighbor’s withdrawn and isolative behavior. Jesse lived at the complex for only two weeks, but Mrs. Dunlap noticed early that no one came to call and her apartment was always dark.

“Lord, please send that child a friend.” She prayed silently before closing the door.

E!

After taking a long hot shower Jesse stood in front of the bathroom mirror studying the gash on her shoulder. Her eyes fell to the burn scars that covered her abdomen. Tears formed in her eyes as visions of that night flooded a tired mind. Shaking her head she opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a suture kit and the bottle of isopropyl alcohol. The homemade butterflies were pulled off the cut causing it to seep bright red.

Taking a clean cotton ball she placed a generous amount of alcohol on the wound and hissed as the sting of it radiated across the shoulder. After thoroughly cleaning the wound she began to stitch it closed.

_Why didn’t I just tell someone what happened. Then at least I would have a local anesthetic._

Giving a loud sigh she closed the cabinet and headed for the comfort of the bed. As she lay with her hands behind her head memories of her former partner flooded her exhausted mind and tears flowed unrestricted down her cheeks. Lying in the cold dark room buried under the blankets sleep eluded Jesse again.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch 4

Pulling off the white undershirt caused a pained look to flash across Jesse’s face and a small whimper left tight lips. Nearly a week passed since the accident that left a gash on her left shoulder, but it still hurt like hell. Standing in front of the mirror in the latrine she gingerly inspected the wound. Bright red flesh glared back at her and a small amount of yellow pus began to seep through the stitches. Giving a long sigh she stepped in to the hot shower and quickly bathed.

After drying off she hurriedly bandaged the wound and donned a clean sports bra. The strap sliding across the line of stitches caused searing pain to radiate across the shoulder. Tears welled in her eyes and she slammed her hand against the sink.

“Shit!” she exclaimed a little too loudly.

E!

Johnny stood outside the locker room door waiting for his turn to take a much needed shower. The crew just returned from a massive tire warehouse fire. Each member was glad to get back to the barn and get clean. The distinct smell of burnt rubber emanating off his clothing caused his nose to wrinkle in disgust. He sighed as he leaned against the wall and glanced at his watch. Jesse entered the shower just five minutes ago, but it seemed much longer than that. The rest of the guys already finished and were in the kitchen preparing dinner. Being directly in close contact with the burning rubber he felt Jesse needed a hot shower more than he did. Besides after fighting such a hot fire a cold shower was a welcome relief.

He gave a sigh of relief when he heard the shower cut off. For a girl she sure kept showers short and to the point. He stepped closer to the door knowing that she’d be out in a second. Johnny’s heart skipped a beat when he heard a pained exclamation come from the latrine.

He cautiously entered the locker room. “Jesse, you all right?”

Her eyes grew wide and she tried to quickly put on an undershirt. Again the fabric sliding across the wound caused another pained yelp to leave her lips. Hanging her head she knew she couldn’t hide it any longer. Johnny heard her and he wouldn’t let it rest.

Johnny carefully pushed open the door to the latrine. Jesse stood head down in front of the sink. The shirt was only halfway on, one arm in the sleeve with the rest gathered around her neck.

“Jesse, are you all right?”

She didn’t say a word. Instead she gingerly removed the shirt revealing the bandage on her shoulder. His heart sank and he softly blew his last breath out. Mike was right. She’d hurt herself at that car wreck. Reaching out he gently placed his hand on her shoulder and removed the pad. He palpated the inflamed skin around the stitches causing her to pull away.

“Sweetheart, did you do these stitches yourself?” He asked worried.

Jesse slowly nodded and tried to conceal the other cut on her abdomen. At first the euphoric feeling she received during shoulder cut scared her, but the thought of it kept nagging her. She wondered if it was a onetime thing so out of curiosity she tried again. This time it was a small cut just below the ribs and again she received a rush.

“Jesse.” He stated softly. “Why didn’t you let me look at this earlier, say when it happened on Thursday?”

“I was afraid.” She responded timidly.

“Afraid of what, Sweetheart?” He asked giving a soft sigh.

“Please, please Gage I’m begging you! Please don’t tell Captain Stanley. I don’t want to find out how he deals….” She started her voice filling with anxiety.

He tenderly placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward him. For some reason she feared Cap. “Hey take it easy. Jesse it’s ok. I don’t know about your old Captain, but Cap’s not going to go crazy on ya. I promise. He won’t be happy that you covered this up, but sweetheart I promise he won’t hurt you. Jesse you really need to head over to Rampart and have it looked at, because sweetheart, it’s infected.”

Realizing he was right her shoulders sank deeply and she softly replied, “Ok fine, I’ll go.”

“Here, it is obvious your shirt is a tad too small for it not to scrape across that.” Johnny stated handing her the white shirt he had.

“You’re not going to get cleaned up?”

“Yeah, I guess I’d better take a quick shower. I don’t need that right now, so you wear it. I’ll meet you in Cap’s office in a couple minutes, ok?”

Jesse shifted uncomfortably as she handed him the shirt back. The thought of wearing a shirt that didn’t belong to a lover felt wrong. “Gage, I don’t need it. I’ll just put on a uniform shirt. It’s easier to get off and on anyway.”

E!

“Hey wait out here for a second and let me talk to him first.” Johnny said before entering the office.

Keeping her eyes glued to the tire of the squad Jesse nodded slowly. Fear ran rampant inside her. She knew Captain Stanley would be furious that she’d hid an injury and wasn’t looking forward to learning his type of punishment. Her chest began to feel tight and a sensation of breathlessness hit hard. Jesse leaned against the wall while her pulse thundered in her ears. She tried to cover her face, but her hands trembled uncontrollably.

_Shit! Not an attack, not here!_

Johnny closed the door behind him. “Hey, uh, Cap? Can I talk with ya for a second? It’s about Jesse.”

Cap looked up from the massive stack of paperwork covering the desk. His face held a tired but confused look. He put down his pen and began to straighten the stack in front of him.

_John wants to talk about Jess and he closed the door?!_

“Yeah, Pal. So what’s on your mind?”

Johnny sat on the edge of the extra desk and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, uh, Cap, there’s no easy way to say it, so here it goes. Jesse was injured during her first shift…..”

“What?! Gage, why didn’t she tell anyone?!” Cap raised his voice.

Johnny held up his hands in an attempt to calm his captain. “Captain Stanley she’s terrified of you. Jesse is honestly afraid of what you will do.”

Cap raised his tall frame from the chair. “Afraid of me?! Gage, you yourself know I’m normally a pretty easy going guy.”

“Yeah, _we_ know, but she doesn’t. My guess is something happened at her old station. I’m tellin’ ya Cap, I’ve never seen a firefighter so afraid of their captain.”

Cap ran a hand down his face not understanding how Jess could be afraid of him. Lifting the edge of the blinds he looked outside at the gloomy weather wondering if he’d given her a reason to fear him. Rain began to spot the concrete outside and soft rolls of thunder filled the sky.

_Great, accident weather just what we need. Do I really come off as aggressive?_

“How bad is the injury?” He asked exasperatedly.

Johnny shifted on the desk attempting to ease the discomfort he was feeling. “It’s a three inch gash on the top of her right shoulder. She tried to stitch it herself…”

Captain Stanley rapidly turned around his eyes wide. “She did what?!”

“She tried to do her own stitches. It’s really infected, Cap. I suggest a trip to Rampart. Roy and I can take her in the squad. We have to pick up some supplies anyway.”

Cap sat on the edge of his desk. Jesse’s behavior was concerning. Not only was she withdrawn but now she was hiding injuries. “Send her in before you take her to Rampart. I’ll make us unavailable for an hour after I talk with her. If anything changes call me.”

“Sure, Cap.” Johnny replied.                                                                                                                                                      

E!

Mike left the kitchen in search of his missing crew mates. Dinner was ready and Johnny was nowhere to be found. If Johnny was missing chow then something was wrong. Looking to the left he saw Jesse leaned against the wall a panic and fearful look covered her. Moving closer he noticed she trembled uncontrollably and her breathing was labored and erratic.

“Jesse, are you ok?” He inquired placing his hand softly on her shoulder.

Jesse jumped at the feeling of physical contact and retracted away from him. “Shit, Stoker, give a girl a little warning before touching her. Yeah, I’m fine, just waiting to have a nice chat with Captain Stanley.”

“I’m sorry. Jesse, do I make you feel uncomfortable or something? I just want you to feel welcome. If I’m doing something that makes you feel that way please tell me.”

She glared fiercely at the red rim of the squad and shook her head. She didn’t want to confess that she was attracted to him. Mike gave a soft sigh of dejection. She wasn’t going to talk to him again. The door to Cap’s office opened and Johnny stepped out.

“Jess, Cap wants to see you.”

Both men watched her cautiously enter the office with an aura of fear surrounding her. Johnny waited till she’d closed the door before talking to his friend.

“Mike, you were right Jesse was injured at that wreck. She attempted to stitch it closed herself, but it got infected anyway.”

Mike was floored at her actions. Placing his back against the brick wall he closed his eyes. He liked her and hated seeing her this way. He believed this wasn’t the authentic Jesse and wanted desperately to meet the ‘real’ her. Though she had depression issues he found her attractive and was somewhat sad a relationship with her couldn’t be pursued.

_First she hides the injury and then does the stitches herself! What the hell happened at her previous assignment?!_

“Johnny, I’m confused. If it was that bad why didn’t she tell Cap what happened?”

Johnny leaned against the wall next to him and crossed his arms. “She’s terrified of Cap. She told me in the latrine.”

Mike quickly left his spot on the wall. His eyes flashed with anger as he confronted the young paramedic. He knew Johnny like to acquire a date with any new female, but never dreamed he’d break a direct order from his commanding officer.

“You were in there with her?! Gage, what the hell! I thought Captain Stanley was quite clear that none of us were to….”

Johnny felt hurt that his friend would make such an accusation against him. Yeah he liked to try and score a date with any new nurse that arrived at Rampart, but he’d never break a rule set by Cap.

“Hey, Mike time out! I entered only after hearing a pain filled scream and at first I stopped in the locker room. When I heard her again, that’s when I entered. I don’t recall _seeing_ her, ok? I was in medic mode. My focus was why she screamed and nothing else!”

Mike’s anger left as quickly as it came. When it came to his job Johnny was quite focused on the patient and what was wrong with them, not how they _looked_.

“Johnny, I’m sorry. It’s just…just…that…” he stuttered.

“You’re worried about her.” Johnny finished for him.

E!

Jesse nervously stood in front on Captain Stanley keeping her eyes focused intently on the tile floor. Her mind ran rampant with memories of Captain Moore and how he dealt with insubordination. She shuddered at the thought of him.

“You wanted to see me, Sir.”

Cap leaned forward in his chair and studied his new line man. John was right she was horrified. She refused to look at him and was beginning to tremble. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_God, please help me to help her see that she needn’t be afraid of me or anyone at this station. I don’t know what she’s been through, but you do._

“Yes, Jesse, I did. Please take a seat.” He said kindly while motioning for her to sit in the chair across from him.

She carefully slid in the small wooden chair and balanced herself on the edge. Still keeping her eyes to the floor she tensed up in preparation for the blow that was about to be dealt. Her small frame compacted as she pulled a shoulder up and her body became slightly ridged. Her face cringed in anticipation as her body continued to shake. Cap saw this small action and his heart sank.

_That’s why. Her previous Captain believed in corporal punishment. I simply cannot imagine someone doing that to the men under their command._

“Jesse, please relax. Honey, I won’t hit you. I just want to talk, ok? No yelling, I promise.”

She didn’t fully believe him but relaxed a little. Still sitting on the edge of the chair her left leg began to bounce rapidly. It was a nasty habit that only reared its ugly head when she was in duress.

“Jess, John tells me you were injured at the car accident the other day. Is this true?”

She softly nodded and gave no verbal reply. Again her body tensed and the left shoulder rose in protection. Captain Stanley rose and moved back to the window. He hoped by placing a little distance between them she would believe he wouldn’t harm her.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Jesse, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not going to get angry with you for getting injured while doing your job. If that were the case Gage would be in the dog house all the time. I am a little concerned that you neglected to inform anyone of the injury and attempted to take care of it yourself.”

After seeing him distance himself from the corner of her eye she relaxed a little. Keeping her eyes to the floor a leg began to shake again.

“I’m sorry, Sir.” She replied barely audible.

Cap sighed. “Jesse, it’s a hell of a position we are in. I can’t guarantee that this will be covered by the department. If you’d said something that day then we’d have no problem, but it’s been three days since it happened.”

She adjusted herself and turned her gaze to the clock. Knowing she’d done wrong a long sigh passed though tight lips.

“I accept full responsibility for my actions financially. I also accept any punishment you see fit.”

He moved back to the desk. Jesse fearing that Cap was about to break his word she returned to the defensive posture. Closing her eyes she prepared for a physical attack.

“Honey, please don’t do that. I promise I’m not going to raise a hand against you. I am however going to place a reprimand in your file. Jesse, hiding an injury is a serious matter. Your negligence in reporting it has caused more pain than necessary. Now John and Roy are taking you to Rampart and you will do everything the doctors tell you, understood?”

“Yes, Sir.” Came a compliant reply.

Jesse slowly left the chair and made a retreat for the door.

E!

John and Roy stood ready at the squad. Roy stared with empathy at his new coworker. He too noticed she seemed to have trouble adjusting but didn’t know how to help her. Johnny vaguely filled him in on why she was going with them to Rampart and Roy was highly confused as to why she’d not tell anyone about an injury.

Jesse quietly rounded the front of the squad. Ashamed of her actions she slid quietly in the seat. The trio rode in silence to the hospital a short distance away. The only sounds were the tires rolling down the wet street and rain pelting the windshield. Even the radio was strangely silent. Johnny hung his head sadly before watching the rain fall heavily through the passenger window. He had to find a way to help her. Mike was right Jesse was in distress. Roy looked to his partner and tried to recall when he’d seen him so distraught. Jesse sat hands in lap staring intently at the radio and tried hard to avoid contact with the medics on each side of her.

The truck stopped in the familiar parking place in the emergency room entrance. She slid quietly from the seat and followed them inside. Her nose crinkled at the strong smell of disinfectant. Jesse hated hospitals. In an effort to conceal both her depression and the hatred she tried to keep her head lifted. They stopped at a small desk near a base station. The blond haired nurse glanced up from the small stack of papers on the counter.

“Johnny, Roy, what can I do for you?” She asked with a smile.

John gave a wide smile in an effort to cover his concern. “Well Dix, Jesse here needs a little help. I’d rather cover the details in an exam room.”

Dixie gave him a confused and serious look. “Okaaay, treatment three is open. I’ll page Dr. Early and be in shortly.”

As Johnny lead the way to the room Roy called back. “I’m just gonna stay here and get the supplies.”

E!

“Have a seat.” He ordered gently but firmly.

Jesse reluctantly sat on the edge of the cold exam table and waited for him to leave. Instead he stood against the wall with his arms crossed and gave an empathetic look. Shifting uncomfortably on the gurney she quickly glanced at him. Her eyes wide with panic.

“You’re staying in here?!”

“Yeah, I figure you can use a friend.”

“Gage, a word of warning, being friends with me isn’t a good idea.” She stated softly.

Again his heart ached. Jesse was refusing to get close with anyone. Knowing she desperately needed a friend he said, “I will take my chances.”

She hung her head in defeat and muttered, “It won’t end well, never does.”

Neither of them noticed Dixie enter and quietly watch them. After a few moments she spoke.

“Well Johnny what seems to be the trouble with your friend here?” Dixie asked unease filled her normally pleasant voice.

“Well, Dix, it’s kind of complicated, but Jesse here was injured Thursday at a car wreck. Instead of letting me know she tried to take care of it herself. I’ll let you see the rest for yourself. Go ahead Jess, show her!”

Jesse cautiously removed the light blue shirt covering her and timidly set it on the gurney beside her. Turning her shoulder down so it could be seen she carefully pulled the gauze off. Dix studied the girl in front of her and noticed another bandage on her abdomen as well as the burn scars.

“The bandage on your stomach, did that happen at the accident too?”

Johnny quickly looked to where Dixie was pointing. He didn’t recall noticing it earlier, but at the time he was worried about the shoulder. Jesse shook her head.

“No, that happened at home. I slipped in the shower yesterday and caught my ribs on the soap caddy that hangs in the corner. It’s just a scratch. I didn’t want my shirt rubbing up against it so I covered it.”

Dixie carefully examined the row of stitches then shook her head. “Who did these?”

Jesse looked to Johnny with fear in her eyes. He held up his hand and motioned for her to tell Dixie the truth.

“I did them.”

Dixie stared in disbelief at the firefighter in front of her. She started to question her further, but was interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

Dr. Early quietly entered the exam room and stuffed his stethoscope in a pocket. “What do we have, Dix.”

“Jesse here was injured Thursday and tried to stitch herself up. Of course she ended up with an infection.”

Early approached Jesse and gently inspected the wound. “You did these? It’s actually a good set of stitches, but you apparently didn’t clean your tools well enough. Dix, give her a local anesthetic and remove them. We will go from there.”

Jesse sat ridged as Dixie tried hard to remove the stitches gently. Every once in a while Jesse’s face would wince in pain, but she never moved. Johnny watched from the corner sadly.

_I have to figure out how to help her. She seems so sad and lonely._

Dr. Early returned a short time later. After thoroughly cleaning the infected wound he ran a new line of stitches and prescribed both oral antibiotics and an antibiotic cream.

His blue eyes stared at her intently. “If you don’t feel better in a couple of days come back. Also if you start to run a fever come back here immediately. Take one capsule twice a day and apply the cream three times a day, ok? Be sure to keep it covered for a few days. I want to see you next week to check on it.”

Jesse nodded as she slid off the gurney. “Yes, Sir.”

E!

“Well, is she ok?” Mike asked quietly.

Johnny looked over to Jesse who sat slumped in a chair not paying attention to the movie. She absent mindedly picked at the crease in her pants. She shifted slightly before propping her head on a hand. It was obvious she didn’t want to be there.

“Yeah, Dr. Early took care of it. A week’s worth of antibiotics and the infection should be gone.”

Mike glanced back in her direction. “Johnny, we’ve got to do something, you know to help her adjust to working with us.”

“I know, but what else can we do. She turned down the invite to the barbecue you had and it’s obvious she won’t talk.”

Overhearing their conversation Jesse shook her head. She leaned forward and placed her head in her hands.

_Gage and Stoker give it a rest. If you knew what I did you wouldn’t be so eager to be my friend._

Hearing a chair slide across the floor caused both men to look up quickly. Jesse quietly stood and left the room leaving both of them wondering how to reach her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depictions of self harm!

Ch. 5

Jesse sat on a well-worn brown sofa working in an equally worn sketch pad. She felt embarrassed the new subject of the drawings is Stoker. Something about him made drawing him quite easy and surprising relaxing. He is after all handsome and watching him run the pumps is fascinating. The way his hands glide over the controls and the way he maintains pin point focus on the task at hand.

_What I wouldn’t give to have those hands glide over me. Damn it, Jess, knock it off. First off he is a coworker and secondly there is no way he’d be with a girl like you._

The sound of the phone ringing brought her back to reality. Giving a long and loud sigh she debated whether to answer it. Lately collection agencies were calling in an attempt to collect on the massive stack of medical bills sitting on the counter, but she also had a call in to Texas worker’s comp. Deciding against it she returned to the portrait. The phone continued to ring. Normally it stopped after five rings. She growled her displeasure and picked up the receiver.

“Hello?!” she said rather aggressively.

_“Uh, Jesse?”_ , a vaguely familiar voice questioned.

“Yeah, this is her.”

“ _Jess, its Mike Stoker. Did I catch you at a bad time?”_

“What do you want Stoker?” She replied softening the tone of her voice.

The line went silent for a few moments. He couldn’t understand her hostility.

“ _Uh, Cap’s having a cookout over at his house this afternoon. I know it is really short notice, but I was hoping you could make it.”_

Jesse rolled her eyes. It was another ploy to get her to hang out with the crew. She rose from the couch and wrapped the cord around a finger wondering why he persisted in trying to include her.

_I can’t afford to get close. I simply cannot go through that again._

“Sorry, Stoker, I can’t make it. I will see you tomorrow at the station.” She answered abruptly.

_“Yeah,o….”_ She set the phone down on the cradle cutting him off.

She fell to the couch ashamed at the tone of her voice. Glancing to the cushion she saw Stoker’s friendly face staring back at her adding to the shame. She closed the book and roughly pushed it aside.

_He’s only trying to help, but if he knew what I did he wouldn’t be so eager to add me to the family._

Jesse headed to the bathroom to retrieve the one thing that provides a release, even if it’s temporary. After retrieving the straight razor from the side of the tub she poured copious amounts of alcohol on it. She didn’t need another infection. She pulled off the t-shirt and looked at herself carefully in the mirror. A different person stared back at her. Gone was the free spirit that carried a smile. Brandon once said her smile was gorgeous and could light up a room, but he said that long ago. Now all that is left is a shell filled with pain and sorrow. As she bit her bottom lip she carefully placed the edge of the razor against her skin just below the last rib. Her heart rate increased at the feeling of the cold steel. Biting her lip hard she angled the blade and slid it across the tender skin. Jesse inhaled sharply as the pain caused a rush of endorphins to flood her senses. For the moment all emotional pain disappeared.

E!

“Well?!” Johnny asked curiously from his seat at the bar. He leaned over the counter and helped himself to a banana from the bowl in the kitchen.

“Nope, she’s not coming. She even hung up on me. I guess I’ll call Cap and let him know. He’s going to be disappointed. He wanted to get to know her better and figure out why she’s so afraid of him.” Mike stated sadly.

Johnny ran a hand down his face. He worried about the new lineman’s isolative behavior. Dixie expressed concern over Jesse’s wellbeing and asked him to keep a close eye on her. He didn’t tell Dix that he and Mike already decided to do so. He sat quietly in the kitchen as he pealed the banana.

“Man, what is her problem?”

Mike dropped his mug in the soapy water. Jesse’s rudeness hurt. Not talking to him is one thing but to speak in such a harsh tone is unnecessary. He only wanted her to feel welcome. Staring out the kitchen window he tried to rationalize her hostility. He didn’t know what she endured at her last assignment, but felt her actions toward him were unwarranted. He watched the trees swaying in the wind and gave a small chuckle watching his dog chase another squirrel. The bright sun glistening off the deck caused him to return to the task at hand.

_Maybe she thought it was someone else, but that doesn’t explain why she was still like that upon finding out it was me._

“I wish I knew, Johnny. Then helping her would be a lot easier.”

Mike picked up the phone off the granite counter and called Captain Stanley.

E!

Captain Stanley stood at the counter helping his wife form the pile of ground beef into patties. A look of worry and concern filled his tired face. Jesse is again on his mind. After her behavior in his office he’s been trying to think of ways to show her he isn’t a threat. He roughly pressed the meat between his hands.

“Hank, relax. You have no idea what Jesse’s endured. She gave you a small peek into her world the other day and I have a feeling that is just the tip of the iceberg. Give her time to see you’re not the same as her old captain.”

He looked over to his wife and gave a small sigh. “I know, Em. However there is more to Jesse than fear of me. She’s extremely withdrawn and depressed. Something happened to her. Both Johnny and Mike try hard to make her feel welcome. Chet made her his new pigeon, but he still treats her with respect on scene. She is shutting all of us out. It’s not good for the crew as a whole. Emily, I have to do something.”

Emily placed a gentle hand over his. She knew he thought of the guys as family and how much he wanted Jesse to be a part of it. That’s why she suggested having a cookout. By providing a neutral environment maybe Jesse would at least attempt to get to know her coworkers.

“Maybe Mike and Johnny can convince her to come.”

“I hope so.” He replied.

The sound of the phone interrupted the conversation. Hank’s heart rate increased. Mike told him he would call after talking with Jesse. He washed his hands quickly and stepped to the counter to answer it. It stopped ringing after three rings then he heard his eldest daughter answer.

“Hey, dad it’s Uncle Mike.” She called from the living room.

He chuckled. Even at sixteen Cassie still referred to the guys at the station as uncles.

“Hello?” he asked while placing the pan of burgers on the counter.

_“Cap, its Mike”,_ a saddened voice replied.

Hearing the sadness in his engineer’s voice caused his heart to sink. Jesse chose seclusion and isolation yet again.

“She’s not coming is she?”

The line went silent for a few moments. Cap hung his shoulders. That was the reason for the cookout, for his crew to get to know each other. He wanted to show Jesse she needn’t be afraid of him.

_“Uh no, Sir, she’s not. Johnny and I will be over soon.”_

“Ok, Pal, see you then.”

Emily wrapped her arms around him and gave him a soft hug. “Like I said, give her time. Someone will reach her.”

He held his wife tightly. “I pray someone does before it’s too late.”

 

E!

Mike ran the mop across the same spot for the fifth time. He was enjoying Jesse’s back side while she wiped down the table. Chet spilt some kind of a sticky syrup substance on it while preparing lunch making cleaning a longer task than usual. She leaned over further causing the pants to tighten around her and highlight her curves. He bit his lip to stifle a soft groan of pleasure.

_Damn, I love how those pants accentuate her tight ass perfectly. I would love to…._

The sound of footsteps approaching caused him to return his attention to the task of mopping. He couldn’t afford to get caught admiring Jesse especially by Captain Stanley. He moved to a different spot near the couch just as Cap entered. Henry looked to Jess then back at Mike and wagged his tail happily. He knew what Mike was doing.

“Can it Henry!” Mike whispered sharply.

Cap leaned his tall frame against the table causing Jess to go in a defensive posture.

“Chet left quite a mess, huh?” Cap inquired empathetically. He still couldn’t understand why Jesse feared him. He tried to keep his voice calm and make no sudden movements when addressing her.

She nodded and scrubbed harder in an attempt to relieve the table of the last of the gooey mess. “Yes, Sir. I’m almost done.”

“Hey, we missed you yesterday. You missed some really good burgers and a lot of laughs.”

She shrugged before softly replying, “Sorry, Sir I had a lot to do.”

Captain Stanley looked around the day room. Jess was quite thorough in cleaning it. It was spotless. Even the windows shone brightly. Seeing Mike mopping the floor surprised him. He assigned Mike to the dorms.

“Uh, Stoker, did you get the dorms done?”

Wringing out the mop he replied, “Yeah, Cap. I thought Jess could use some help seeing as that stuff Chet spilled took longer to clean than usual. She had everything done except the floors, thought I’d do them for her.”

Cap eyed him suspiciously from under knit eyebrows before heading to the stove for a fresh cup of coffee. Out of the corner of his eye he caught his engineer studying Jesse’s backside attentively before turning his gaze to the floor.

_Mike, Pal, I hope this isn’t what it looks like._

He gave Mike a stern look before entering the bay to return to the stack of paperwork on his desk. Mike mentally kicked himself for _looking_ at Jesse while Cap was in the room. He slung the mop hard across the tile.

_Damn, I’ve got to quit this. Jess is a coworker and I seriously doubt she’s interested in a quiet reserved guy like me._

Jesse quickly washed the rag under hot water and set it on the side of the sink to dry. It is obvious that Mike is uncomfortable around her. She quietly pushed the chairs around the table before heading to the bay to help Chet lay hose. Cap wanted to try using the triple fold lay on the next run. She used it before and it worked well in a rural department but worried how it would work in a municipal environment. She paused briefly next to Mike. He took a deep breath and enjoyed the scent of lavender and vanilla that surrounded her. He decided it was his new favorite scent.

“Thanks for helping.” She whispered and disappeared into the bay.

E!

Jess shook her head while watching Chet attempt to fold the hose in the Ward’s bed. He fumbled with it in a very clumsy manner. The layers began to come apart adding to his frustration. Feeling sorry for him she walked over and pulled the line back out of the bed. Chet glared at her fiercely.

“What the hell, babe, it took me forever to get it in there!”

Ignoring his outburst she motioned for the rest of the crew to join them. The guys gathered around her in surprise. Captain Stanley watched from the side wondering what she had in mind.

“There’s an easier and quicker way to do this. Captain, are we doing a 150 or 200 foot section?”

“Two hundred.”

Chet continued to glare at her while his mustache twitched. He is the senior lineman and became offended at her taking the lead in something. He crossed his arms trying to decide if he even wanted to hear what she was saying.

“We studied this in the academy! I don’t need you telling me how to do it.” he stated with hostility filling his voice.

“Chet, it’s a good time to review. We as a crew haven’t used this method so a refresher is needed. Please continue Jess.” Cap stated as he leaned against the side of the engine.

He studied her carefully. For the first time she showed interest in being with the rest of the crew while not on scene. He hoped it would last. A team divided is of no use to anyone. Jesse nodded before making sure the line lay flat. Satisfied with the line placement she continued training.

“First off this lays flat, no twists or kinks. If you have those the line may not charge properly creating a problem for you as well as Stoker. Stoker, do you normally help roll line?”

Mike nodded curiously. “Yeah, most of the time.”

She motioned for him to come closer. He moved slightly before stopping a couple feet from her. She rolled her eyes, grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled her right next to her. He feared getting to close to her. He didn’t want to arouse any further suspicion from Cap.

“Damn Stoker, you act like I’m gonna bite you or something!”

The guys tried hard to stifle their laughter. Jesse shook her head before continuing.

“Your job is to provide a good platform for the lay and to help feed the line to the lineman on top of the rig. Kelly come with me.”

Chet reluctantly followed Jesse as she stretched the hose out the back door. Giving a long sigh she bent over to remove several twists in the line. Mike quickly glanced to Cap making sure he wasn’t paying attention to him before admiring Jesse’s ass. He bit his bottom lip when she bent further over to adjust a coupling. Mike didn’t notice Johnny watching him who shook his head in disbelief.

_Mike, I wouldn’t go there. You’re treading in dangerous waters._

“Ok, first stretch the entire length of hose out and flat. Keep in mind you may have to adjust couplings in order for the hose to lay flat.” Jesse stated bringing both men back.

Chet rolled his eyes as he helped her lay the line. “Yeah, babe, I know that!”

“Chet! Can it, Pal! We all need a refresher!” Cap ordered from the side.

“Kelly, I’m not trying to insinuate you’re stupid ok? It’s been awhile since you all have had to do it. I used this on my old rig. Someone else here may have forgotten it.” Jesse replied softly so the others couldn’t hear.

“Yeah, well I haven’t!”

Jess rolled her eyes. Sometimes her partner can be such a jerk. She returned to where Mike was standing. Again he inhaled deeply enjoying her scent. She gave him a weird look before continuing.

_Damn, Stoker what is your deal?_

“Now walk two thirds down the line and pick it up forming a loop. Carry the top of the loop back to the rig so you form a three layer loop.” She stated as she carefully drug the top of the hose back to the truck.

“Now Stoker here’s where you come in. You feed the line up to the lineman on top of the rig making sure you keep the layers stacked. Come on Kelly.”

As Mike passed the first layer of hose to her he allowed his hand to rest on hers for a moment. She tried hard to ignore the electrifying sensation and continued laying the hose. Soon the team had all the hose laid neatly in the bed. Jesse quietly slid down the back of the rig and stood staring at the floor waiting further orders.

“Wow, Jesse, I’ve never seen it done that way. The instructor at the academy made it more complicated than it really is. Can ya refresh me on how to deploy it?” Johnny said as he scratched his chest through the light blue shirt.

He nudged Roy before whispering, “Did it just to piss Chet off! I know how to deploy it.”

Roy rolled his eyes before crossing his arms across his chest. Johnny never ceased to amaze him. “Ya know he’s going to pay you back, right?”

Johnny waved him off. “Yeah, yeah.”

Jesse walked to the hose lay. Picking up the nozzle and the first loop in the line she answered Johnny’s question. “Easy, pick up the nozzle and the first layer then head to the fire. Make sure to pull all of it off or the kink in the line will cause a problem for the pump. Dav…is”

She stopped suddenly. Five sets of eyes studied her wondering who this Davis is. Instead of finishing the sentence Jesse stared at the floor and ran the toe of a boot across the concrete. Embarrassment filled her. She’d referred to Mike as her old engineer and he is nothing like the short Irishman.

_Stoker is nothing like Davis. Why the hell did I bring up that ass of an Irishman._

Cap noticing Jesse’s sudden withdraw dismissed the crew.

_Jesse, you were doing so well. Even the mention of someone from your old crew causes you to shut down. What happened there?_

E!

Jesse headed for the safety of the dorm. Just as she lay on the bed with a book the tones sounded. Throwing the book aside she ran for the engine.

“Station 51, possible heart attack, 20049 North Alameda. That’s 2-0-0-4-9 North Alameda, cross street East Del Amo Boulevard, time out 15:57.”

Mike carefully navigated the engine through the after school traffic. Many of the motorists were able to pull over and make way for the massive engine, but there were a few times he had to weave in and out of the turn lane. Finally he reached the dispatched address and stopped the engine in front of a small furniture store. Numerous people lined the sidewalk trying to get a glance at what is happening inside.

Jesse disembarked and watched Johnny and Roy enter the store front. Sadness filled her. Part of her wanted to go in and help, but that self no longer existed. Firefighter Paramedic Johnson is nothing more than a memory. She studied the imperfection in the asphalt unaware that Mike watched her. Neither of them noticed Captain Stanley approaching.

“Johnson, bring in the defibrillator, quick!”

Jesse wasted no time in retrieving the required equipment and ran for the entrance to the store. Without thinking she laid the equipment beside Johnny who performed CPR on the victim. Sweat began to run down his face and obviously he began to tire. She pulled the paddles out and pushed the button to charge the unit.

“Here let me take over.” She offered.

He nodded. “On the count of three. One…two…three!”

Seamlessly they made the swap. Roy relayed the information to Rampart. Johnny prepared the requested medication while Jesse continued CPR. She watched as he pushed the medication into the IV.

_50mg Sodium Bicarb_

“CLEAR!”

She pulled her hands away just as he defibrillated the victim. The man’s body rose and fell in response to the electricity than ran through it. After seeing no conversion she resumed CPR. Training flooded her mind.

_“_ Weaver, one ampule of one to ten thousand epinephrine intercardiac. Counter shock _.”_ She muttered just as Roy relayed the same information.

Johnny filed her comment in the back of his mind. Now is not the time to question her, now he needed to focus on the patient. From the corner of his eye he watched her continue to perform CPR. A look of sheer determination covered her face. Determination he’d only seen one other time, the time she removed the victim from the car.

“CLEAR!” Johnny stated.

Again the man’s body reacted to the unit, but this time the scope showed sinus rhythm. A small smile crossed her face while she wiped the sweat from her brow.

Johnny gave a sigh. “He’s back!”

While Johnny and Roy loaded the victim in the ambulance Jesse began to clean up the discarded items. She shook her head sadly realizing she’d gone outside of her duties again. Johnny watched sadly from a foot away. Gone was the small smile, she’d returned to her other self. Based on her actions he began to slowly put the pieces of the puzzle together.

_Giving vitals, requesting a c-collar and backboard, asking me to watch out for an arterial injury and just now requesting epinephrine and counter shock, Jesse is or at least was a paramedic. Who’s Weaver, her old partner?_

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

It is two in the morning and as usual Jesse sits on the couch in the dayroom wide awake. She had been at station 51 for little over a couple of months now and every night after everyone was asleep she came to the day room. She wasn’t afraid to sleep in the dorm. She didn’t want to wake the guys when the nightmares came. Since starting at 51’s they became more and more frequent. At home her sleep is fitful to say the least and she reluctantly used the sleep medication several times. Giving a long sigh she continued to stroke Henry’s fur.

_At least he enjoys having company._

In the dorm Mike too lay awake gazing at the empty bunk next to him.

_Not sleeping again Jesse? Have you ever slept all night?_

Her behavior continued to worry him. She is still withdrawn and secretive. During the day she only speaks if it applies to the job, and at night she stays awake on the couch. Hell even when Chet made her his new pigeon she didn’t even acknowledge it. He’d bombed her with water grenades, changed her shave cream so it turned her legs purple, floured her bunk, taped a cupcake with neon pink frosting inside her helmet and even changed her gear so it was a size too big. Through it all she gave no reaction, which irritated Chet.

Mike tried hard to make her feel welcome. He invited her to a barbeque he hosted, but she turned him down saying she had things that needed taken care of. He often seeks her out when she disappears to various locations in the station, but she rarely talks to him. She’d just sits with her head down and seems to have a heavy weight on her shoulders. Jesse hardly ever makes eye contact with anyone. The few times she does with him all that visible are pain and sadness. John even tried reaching out to her by asking her what she thought on various subjects but had no success. As much as he hated to he thought of bringing it up to Cap.

Giving a long sigh Mike got out of his bunk put on his turnout pants and headed to the day room. It was time for an intervention.

E!

“You are going to talk to her, Pal?”

Mike froze at the sound of his captain’s voice behind him. He didn’t realize that Cap wasn’t asleep either. Mike turned to see him standing at the door to his office with his arms crossed. Cap’s face was filled with worry and concern.

“Yeah I’m going to try, but to be honest Cap I don’t know if it will help. I’ve tried several times to get her to open up, but with no luck. How long have you known that she’s not sleeping?” Mike whispered.

“Just a couple of shifts. Mike try to reach her; of all of us she seems to trust you the most. I’m worried about her. I understand being quiet and reserved, but she’s more than that. She’s too withdrawn. I don’t want to report her as a firefighter in distress. It would mess up her chances at any type of promotion in the future. She’s a good fireman with lots of potential.”

Mike nodded as he shifted uncomfortably. There was no doubt Jess had talent and passion. One day when the timing is right she’d make an excellent engineer and maybe even captain.

“I will see what I can do. I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

Before entering Mike looked in the dark room. Jesse sat in bunker pants with her head against the back of the couch. Her eyes were closed and she gently stroked Henry’s soft fur. Henry acted like he was in heaven. Due to the business of the day his people time is limited. Mike flipped the switch turning on the lights above the stove causing her to jump at the sudden light.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was in here.” He lied.

She just shrugged as she stared at the floor. She knew he’d just lied to her, though they were trying to be quiet Cap and Mike’s voices had drifted in the room.

“Hey I’m a little hungry. That stuff Roy served for dinner just didn’t stick with me. Would you like to share some Oreos?”

Mike pulled out the package and a couple of glasses from the cabinet beside the sink. He placed them on the table before retrieving the milk.

Jesse sighed. _I know what you’re doing Stoker. I heard you and Cap._

“Sure. I’ll take a couple.”

Maybe if she humored him he’d leave her alone. Both sat at the table in silence feeling awkward. She pushed the stack of Oreos around in a circle on the table. Mike decided to break the ice.

“Where are you from?”

She pushed her Oreos back and forth on the table and quietly responded. “Texas.”

“Wow you came a long way from home. What brought you to Carson?”

“I needed a change. What better place that way out west for a fresh start. I just drove till I couldn’t drive anymore.”

Mike nodded. _In other words you’re hiding from something. No one just up and decides to make such a drastic move._ He decided to dig deeper risking her shutting down completely.

“What was you title at your previous assignment?”

She shrugged as she dunked an Oreo in the milk. She wondered why everyone in this station was obsessed with her previous job. She felt a connection with him and decided to tell him the truth.

“Firefighter paramedic.”

He sent crumbs flying across the table as he choked on his cookie. She actually opened up a little.

_Ok it’s a start; don’t rush her._

“You mean like John and Roy?” he questioned.

Taking a small bite she slowly nodded; her stomach growled in protest at the food. “Yeah something like that. Don’t tell anyone ok? I don’t do that anymore; I’m just a firefighter.”

Mike gathered up the crumbs off the table. His eyes fell on the silver necklace dangling in the v of her white shirt.

“It’s not my place to tell people stuff about you. That is up to you. So Jesse I noticed you’re wearing at Saint Florian necklace. Are you Catholic?”

Jesse shook her head sadly before turning the medallion around between her fingers _._

_Saint Florian is supposed to protect fire fighters, guess he was on vacation that night._

“No, to be honest I really don’t have any type of religion. I find it hard to believe in a loving god with all the madness going on in the world. It belonged to a very good friend. He uh…he…I mean...”

She stopped as her vision blurred and spots began to show on the table top. She tried to focus on dunking her Oreos in the milk, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Mike leaned forward in his seat. She is starting to let someone in.

_So that’s it, you lost your friend in the line of duty. That’s why you’re afraid to get close to any of us; you fear a repeat._

“Jesse I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry. I’m just worried about you. I know you’re hurting and I want you to know I’m here when you’re ready.”

He gently placed his hand over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. Chills ran up her spine; again his touch was electrifying.

Breaking the silence the klaxons sounded. “Station 51 unknown type rescue. 1221 West Birdsong. 1221 West Birdsong, cross street 13th avenue. Time out 3:25.”

Mike quickly let go of her hand. “Well duty calls.”

Jesse nodded as she tried to process the emotions that she was feeling, being with him felt oddly comforting. As they ran to the bay he shot her a warm smile. She didn’t know it, but he felt the same way.

“Hey how about you come with me for breakfast after shift? I’m not taking ‘No” for an answer. I’ll throw you in my truck if I have to.”

E!

Engine 51 pulled on scene finding a frantic woman in her bath robe pacing on the front lawn. She ran quickly up to the engine as it pulled to a stop in front of the small ranch style home. She grabbed Cap by the jacket and attempted to pull him toward the house.

“You have to help him. Please you have to help him! Hurry!”

Captain Stanley placed his hands gently on the woman’s shoulders.

“Ma’am calm down and tell me what happened.”

Taking a deep breath she responded. “It’s my husband, Frank. He has his arm caught in the garbage disposal. He got up to get a snack. For some reason he took off his wedding band knocked it into the disposal and tried to get it. Now his arm’s stuck. Please you have to help him.”

Cap sighed. _Some people never cease to amaze me._

“Ok we’ll get him out. John, Roy victim’s in the kitchen. He has his hand caught in the garbage disposal. The rest of you stay out here till we see what we have.”

Jesse moved from under the bright street lamp to the darker side of the Ward and sat on the tail fin. She knew it would be a quick call. Fishing arms out of disposals never took long. She hung her head and stared at the ground. She was beyond tired. She tried hard to focus on the imperfections in the asphalt, but everything remained blurry.

_Damn I need sleep._

“So babe, what do you make of that nut? Imagine getting his hand caught in a disposal, and at three in the morning! What a riot!”

Jesse rolled her eyes when she saw Chet leaning against the engine. She pointed left at a steep ditch.

“Hey Kelly, do us all a favor and go take a flying leap off that ditch over there. Hell why you’re at it take the damn Phantom with you.”

Mike chuckled surprised by her sudden defiant attitude toward Chet. Chet tormented her relentlessly trying to get a response from her. Tonight she finally caved in.

_I guess she’s finally had enough._

Chet moved closer to her and wrapped his arm around the grab handle. His thick mustache twitched. Jesse finally gave a response.

“Aww, babe, come on you have to admit it was a pretty dumb move.”

Jess sat upright and glared at her partner. Sometimes he could be so insensitive. Rising to her feet she pointed a finger at him angrily. Rage occupied her tired face. She stood toe to toe with the Irishman. The smell of cheap cologne filled her nose.

“Kelly, I don’t judge the actions of others. We’ve all done stupid things, besides a wedding band is too important to leave in the drain. I do agree that he should have called a plumber in the morning instead of dragging us out in the middle of the night.”

He held up his hands defensively astonished by her sudden outburst.

“Wow, babe, we are talkative tonight; that’s the most you’ve talked since you started.”

Jesse backed away to leave Chet with his musings. As she passed him she roughly ran a shoulder into his.

“Like I said Chester fuck off.”

Chet shot Mike a confused look as he pointed in her direction. Mike shrugged.

“Chet, why don’t you take it easy on her? You know let the Phantom have a vacation.”

Chet’s mustache twitched in excitement. “Oh he’s not taking a vacation, Stoker. If anything the Phantom is aroused.”

Mike shook his head worried what the Phantom has in store for the quite girl who found her way to Station 51.

E!

Ten minutes later Cap gave the all clear and they headed back to the station. Since everyone was awake Jesse went and lay in her bunk. With her hands behind her head she stared at the ceiling trying to figure out how to get out of breakfast with Stoker. ‘ _I won’t take ‘No’ for an answer even if I have to throw you in my truck.’_ Then there were the feelings she’d felt when he held her hand. It was hard to describe. She felt peaceful when he was around.

Finally the morning tones went off allowing her to leave her bunk. First stop was her locker for her medication. She glared at the label:Amitriptyline 50mg.

_Damn meds!_

After choking down her daily pillshe headed to the kitchen and made the morning coffee. She just sat down when the guys filed in. Mike studied her trying to get a feel for her current mood. Based on her actions last night added to the solemn mood. John pushed to the front of the line causing the crew to scowl at him.

“Hey! Jess made the coffee. Love her coffee. It’s almost as good as Mike’s.”

Johnny poured himself a cup of the stout brown liquid and sat at the table next to Jesse who sat head down over her cup as usual. The steam wafted around her grave face while a single finger moved around the edge of the mug. John decided to try talking to her again. He leaned down to see her face.

_Maybe I’ll have better luck with this subject._

Roy knowing what his partner is up to left for the safety of the bay to help Mike polish the nozzles. He knew how she would react and didn’t want to see.

“So Jess read that the National Registry for EMT’s is really taking off. Do you know anything about it?”

Pushing her mug away she shrugged. _Duh, Gage I’m on it._

“I’ve heard of it.”

John pointed two fingers at his chest and smiled.

“Well Roy and I are planning on taking the next test.”

Jesse sat upright angrily. She was tired of everyone poking in her business. All she wanted to do is perform the duties of a normal fire fighter and nothing more.

“Gage no offense, but why are you telling me this? I’m just a firefighter and have no interest in paramedic stuff.”

Realizing he was on to something he leaned closer to her. His suspicions were correct. Jesse is a registered paramedic. Technically she could be one here and wondered why she turned down an assignment.

“Well that’s not what I’ve heard. Bellingham told me he talked to a guy at headquarters about the test. He said there was someone here who had already taken it and passed with flying colors. Now it wasn’t me and I know it wasn’t Roy. Stoker, Chet and even Cap haven’t been through training, so that leaves you. It sure does explain a lot. Like how you handled your first call here and the cardiac case yesterday.”

She roughly pushed away from the table causing two sets of eyes to stare in amazement.

“Ok Gage fine you win! I used to be a medic. Used to being the operative term; I don’t do that anymore. Please let it go. Just let it go.”

Her voice wavered and tears filled her eyes. As she left the room she threw up her hands in frustration. She needed to be alone, so she headed to the back door of the bay.

“Jesse, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Jesse!” He called after her.

Johnny turned to Chet in disbelief. “Damn! What is her deal?”

E!

Jesse headed out to the lot behind the station and sat against the wall. Placing her head against her knees she remembered how she became a paramedic. Brandon annoyed her for days after receiving the pamphlet from Brayton Fire Academy.

_“Oh come of Jesse-bug. It will be fun and think of how far we can go.” Weaver placed his arm around her. “And it’s at Brayton training field. I know you’re dying to go back there. Just think some of our classmates may make it back.”_

_Jesse sighed staring at the brochure. She did want to go to return to the premier training field in Texas. Taking a deep breath she caved. “Ok Brandon I will go but only because it’s you that asked me.”_

_He placed his arms around and lifted her off the ground. “Whoo hoo! Jesse-bug you’re the greatest. You won’t regret it I promise!”_

Four months later she and Brandon left Brayton fully certified Paramedics. As she leaned her head against the wall the tears softly rolled down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook violently.

Mike watched from the doorway. After seeing her leave the kitchen he decided to follow her. Concern filled his face. He thought about the best way to handle the current situation.

_Is this what she does when she’s all alone?_

He walked toward her quietly. Kneeling beside her he placed his hand on her shoulder. She jumped and quickly wiped the tears from her face on the back of her hand. The guys seeing her crying is the last thing she needed.

“Jess its ok. What’s wrong?”

She glared at the ground and continued to wipe her face refusing to look at him.

“What do you want Stoker? Why are you out here? You’ve done nothing but harass he since the first day.”

He leaned down trying to see her face.

“I’m sorry you feel I’m harassing you. That is not my intent. I only want to help you. You have something major going on, and you can’t continue to handle things by yourself. Jess it’s tearing you up inside. How long do you think you can keep going like this?”

Jesse pulled away. She was confused and a little frightened of Mike’s sudden interest in her well-being. She kept her eyes on the ground wondering if she could really trust him or if it was some kind of ruse. Mike sat down beside her making sure he didn’t get too close. He didn’t want her to shut him out completely. He had to get her to accept help. In a last ditch effort he addressed her.

“Jesse, please understand I only want to help. I don’t have any kind of ulterior motive. I want to help because we’re friends; you’re part of the family. Please tell me what happened. I know this isn’t the real you.”

Jesse continued staring at the ground. Her vision narrowed. This was the last straw. If he wanted to know what she did then she’d tell him. Her temper exploded violently as she hit the concrete hard with a closed fist.

”I killed my best friend! Ok, I admit it! I killed Weaver! His blood is on my hands! Are you satisfied now? You work with a murderer.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains depictions of self harm!

Ch. 7

"Jess, what are you talking about? You don’t have it in you to kill anyone!"

Staring at the wall across from her she forcefully blew her last breath out and rubbed her hand trying to ease the pain that flowed through it. Glancing down revealed the narrow line of blue that began to show across the knuckles. Her vision narrowed to a single point on the brick wall in front of her. Her blood began to boil.

_Well the secret is out._

"I'm responsible for my best friend's death. If I hadn't been there he would still be alive. My mistake cost him his life." Jesse whispered softly.

Mike reached out to hold her, to offer some kind of comfort, but she shoved him away and turned her back to him. He sat there wondering what she did and who she did it to. Red flag after red flag flew up in his mind. She was on the brink and he had to find a way to pull her back.

"Jess let me help or if not me then someone else. Please, I’m begging you. I’m offering my hand, please take it and allow me to pull you back. Johnny knows the department psychiatrist, says he’s a really great guy."

Jess sat gazing at the brick wall that lined the driveway. If he only knew what she did, what’s she doing now he wouldn’t be so eager to help. She turned around, looking into his eyes she replied, "Michael, let it go. I'm beyond any help. Just let me go."

She stood up. Mike tried hard to grab her hand. He had to keep her here. She pulled away leaving Mike in a state of shock. He replayed her last words in his mind. ‘ _I’m beyond any help. Let me go.”_ Fear and panic began to set in his mind. He realized the gravity of her situation.

 

E!

Jess quickly entered the locker room to retrieve her duffel and found Johnny getting ready to head home. She rolled her eyes. He was one of the last people she wanted to talk to. His concern for her was almost as bad as Mike’s. He buttoned his shirt up over a stark white t-shirt. He gave a famous Gage grin hoping it would brighten her somber mood.

"Hey Jesse! Look I'm sorry about that whole paramedic thing. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought it was cool that you are one. We now have something in common that we can talk about. I was kind of hoping you could help me study. I heard the test is a bitch."

Jess roughly threw her toiletries and medication in the bag. Slinging it over her shoulder she closed the locker. She tried hard to cover up the fact that she was upset he’d even brought the subject up.

"It's ok Gage. You just reminded me of an old friend. I'll see what I can do about helping you study. I have some books that may help."

Johnny smiled as he closed his locker and leaned back against it.

"Far out! Thanks Jess!"

She started out the door before turning around to address him.

"No problem Gage, just give me a few days to gather some study materials. I have to unpack them."

She left the locker room and ran to her truck. She wanted to go home, be away from Mike, away from everyone, to just be alone in her apartment. Mike watched her leave and worry flooded him as her last words rang loud and clear. ' _I'm beyond any help.'_

_No! She can’t be! Not Jesse!_

He quickly made his way back inside where Captain Stanley was waiting for him. He gave his engineer a troubled look as he held up a file folder.

"Hey pal what happened? Jesse just left out of here like a bat out of hell. I wanted to ask her something about her personnel file."

Mike gave his captain a panicked look. He was in a hurry and didn’t want to answer his captain, but he knew he had to. He worried that every minute he wasted here was one fewer minute he had to stop her from doing something permanent.

"I just may have caused her to shut down completely."

"Oh?" Cap replied with his eyebrows knit tightly.

"I got her to open up a little last night and a little more just now. Something’s wrong, she's really struggling Cap. She needs help, but won’t admit it. I made the suggestion that she gets some and she exploded on me." Mike replied. His words were hurried and panicked.

"Mike, do I need to contact headquarters to get a chaplain or someone out here? Do you think she is a threat to herself, is it that bad?"

Mike placed his hands on his hips and hung his head; he did feel she was a threat. He didn’t want to divulge that information to his captain, not yet. Cap would call Dr. Burrows.

"No, I don’t think so. Please just give me a little more time before we call anyone. I may be able to reach her. Can I have her address?"

Cap nodded and retrieved the address from her file. He handed the information to Mike. He hoped that Jesse trusted Mike enough to let him help.

"Good luck pal. Call me at home if you need anything. Don’t be afraid to call for help if you need it."

Worried he watched as Mike ran to his truck. Jess is in crisis. Cap prayed Mike would be able to reach her before it was too late. After sitting at the desk in his now quiet office Captain Stanley reluctantly pulled the department SOP manual off the shelf.

E!

Upon arriving at home Jesse roughly threw her duffel on the floor and headed for the bathroom. She wanted more than anything to take a hot shower. She let her emotions come forth as she stood under the water. She just couldn't contain them any longer. She wept loudly as her tears mixed with the water and flowed down the drain. Jesse beat her fist repeatedly against the wall and debated on whether to stay at 51's or to run again.

_How can he trust me after I told him what I did? How can anyone trust me?_

She leaned with her back against the wall letting the water run on her head and down her body. She glanced to the small ledge sticking out from the side of the tub. The straight razor taunted her, begging her to take it and slice it deeply in her skin. Jess bit her lip trying hard to resist the temptation. She was tired of being held captive to the self-destruction, tired of using the razor to ease her pain, and tired of living.

_NO! NO! I will not take my life! I promised myself that is never an option!_

She picked up the blade. Running the side of it against her skin caused a surge of adrenaline to run through her. She teased herself on her forearm with the cold steel by running the side up and down the length of the forearm. It was so tempting to turn the blade and run a small slice through it. She swallowed hard before angling the blade. She closed her eyes and bit her lip when the steel pierced her flesh. Pulling the blade slowly back she left a three inch gash diagonally along the length of her arm. A small rush ran across her. Closed eyes opened and looked at the bleeding gash watching the dark red mix with the water and swirl down the drain. In anger she threw the razor away. It hit the door and landed on the floor with a clink. Sinking to the floor of the tub she stayed with her head on her knees sobbing as the water ran cold , ashamed she gave in.

E!

Mike pulled into the parking lot of Jesse's apartment complex. He stared in surprise at what he saw. Saying the complex is run down is an understatement. Trash littered the parking lot; the buildings looked as though they needed condemning and people loitered across the parking lot and stairways.

_They are high, probably tripping acid or smoking weed._ _Cap must have written the address down wrong. There's no way Jess lives here._

Mike leaned forward in his seat and scanned the parking lot. He let his last breath out slowly as he saw her navy blue Chevrolet parked backwards against the tall privacy fence. He backed his truck next the truck he believed to be hers. He got out, locked his door, and looked over the Chevy in front of him. On the seat lay a navy blue fire department issued jacket. _J. Johnson, Firefighter_ showed on the bright silver name tag attached to it. One the floor board he noticed an empty prescription bottle. Mike’s pulse quickened as he tried to open the driver’s door. Frustration filled him when he realized it was locked.

_Well here's her truck. Guess I do have the right place._

A voiced yelled down to him from the upstairs railing. “Hey Man! That’s Jesse’s truck! You better be a friend of hers!”

He looked up the railing across the way. A middle aged man with long hair and a tie dyed shirt stared down at him. Giving a long sigh Mike made his way up the narrow metal stairway to apartment 36B.He was stopped at the top of the stairs by another long haired man wearing a bright tie dye shirt and cut off shorts. He was obviously high on something. He pointed at Mike’s department shirt.

"Hey man, you're not a cop are you?" he asked slowly.

Mike shook his head. He almost felt sorry for the middle aged man standing in front of him.

Holding out a joint the man asked, "That's great man! Welcome to Shady Grove. Can I interest you in a hit?"

Mike shook his head in disbelief.

"No, I'm good. I, uh, have a drug test in the morning."

The man nodded slowly a saddened look filled his face. "Yeah brother, understand that. Damn Man is always keeping us down. Hey dude maybe next time!." He looked down to the large group gathered on the common area lawn then shouted," Hey everyone all clear this dude's not a cop. He’s some other kind of dude who wears a badge!"

Shaking his head sadly Mike knocked on the well-worn door. The edge near the door knob looked as if it’d been pried against numerous times. He was surprised that it even stayed shut.

_Really Jess? Of all the apartment complexes in LA County you picked this one?_

There wasn't any response so he knocked again. His heart raced as he knocked harder and more frantically.

"Jesse! Jesse, its Mike Stoker. Please open the door!"

Hearing the door to his left open he turned toward it. An elderly woman stuck her head out.

"Young man what on earth are you doing making all that racket?"

He turned to face her ashamed he had disturbed her.

"Ma'am I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm checking on Jesse. Have you seen her?"

The woman opened her door wider and stepped out on her cane. She adjusted her glasses as she moved closer to him slowly. Her kind and wrinkled face looked up at him. She liked Jesse and worried this man came to cause her trouble.

"Are you a friend of hers?"

"Yes ma'am. I work with her at the fire station."

Again she studied him suspiciously. Seeing his badge caused her to relax. He was telling the truth.

"Well I'm glad to see that she has someone to check up on her. I worry about that child. She seems so alone and sad. She carries so much weight. Oh! Sorry dear, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Mrs. Dunlap."

"I'm pleased to meet you Mrs. Dunlap. I'm Michael Stoker." He said as he gently took her hand.

"Michael. That's a lovely name for such a handsome fellow. Jesse got home not too long ago. The sweet dear always brings my mail up. She normally stays for a cup of coffee, but today she said she wasn’t feeling well and went straight home. I’d better get back inside I have a pie in the oven. If you need anything just knock on the door."

"Thank you ma'am."

Mike beat on the door again with no response. Uneasiness flooded him as her last words came to mind. ' _I'm beyond any help. Just let me go.’_

_NO! She couldn’t have. Did I miss the signs? Why did I wait so long to try and help? Am I too late? I didn’t stay at the station long._

He pounded harder on the door as fear and panic set in. He was afraid he’d waited too late to accelerate his efforts to save her. His eyes misted as he thought about her. He hoped she was ok.

"Jesse, please for the love of God open the door!"

E!

Mike became terrified and his hand was sore from beating on the door. He’d been outside her door for what seemed an eternity with no response.

_No Jess, please God no!_

As he leaned his forehead against the forest green door he began to weigh his options. One he could break in the door, he had probable cause, but the odds of having it fixed in a reasonable amount of time were slim to none. Two, he could borrow Mrs. Dunlap’s phone to call a squad. However given the apartments close proximity to the station meant guys they both knew would respond. He knew the second option was the better choice, but he decided to knock one more time before heading to the apartment next door. Raising his arm he beat on the door with intensity.

_Jess please, please open this door. God let her be ok._

Jesse stepped out of the shower. Giving a long depressed sigh she pulled the first aid items out of the cabinet and applied a pressure bandage. Knowing it needed stitches she tried to decide which line to feed the ER doctor. After placing the items back the sound of someone banging on the door filled the apartment. She shook her head tired of people bothering her. She just wanted to be alone. Was that too much to ask?

“Son of a bitch! Chill out! ” She said out loud.

She headed to the closet and fished though it in search of a long sleeve shirt. Nobody needed to see what she did in the shower. She threw on some clothes, grabbed a towel for her hair, and headed toward the door. She tripped over the boxes in the hallway hitting her shin hard. Pain radiated up her leg causing her to lean against the wall and wait for it to subside.

“Fuck! I’ve got to do something with these boxes.”

The banging intensified. She rolled her eyes; she just wanted to be alone. _Damn hippies._

“Bobby how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not loaning you money to buy more weed!” she said as she opened the door. Surprise filled her face as she saw Mike standing there panicked.

“Stoker?!”

Breathing a sigh of relief he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. Jesse had no choice but to bury her face in his chest. Her pulse quickened and her breathing became erratic as his warmth and scent filled her. Jesse let out a soft whimper.

_God he smells good._

“Jess, thank God. Are you all right?”

He pulled her away from himself keeping his hands on her shoulders. He quickly looked her up and down checking for injuries. A suspicious look formed on his strong face. He thought it odd that she wore a long sleeve shirt in this weather. Feeling awkward she turned her eyes to the concrete in front of her door. She didn’t want to admit that she enjoyed his embrace. If felt so comforting, so right.

“Uh…um yeah, I was in the shower. Why wouldn’t I be ok?” She replied softly.

She played with the hem for her shirt trying to avoid looking at him.

“Jesse, may I come in? I really want to talk to you about what you said at the station and out here is not an option. You know with everyone around.”

She pushed opened the door wider and gestured for him to come in. “Yeah sure, I guess it will be ok.”

As Mike entered her small apartment he noticed that there were many boxes left unpacked, the room was dark and the only furniture consisted of a card table with a couple of chairs and a sofa. She had no photographs or other decorations that would make a house a home.

“So you want some coffee?”

He turned his attention to her. She was dressed in short light blue cotton shorts and a thin tight-fitting fire academy shirt. The shirt accentuated her curves making it obvious she wasn’t wearing a bra. Mike allowed his eyes to wander to her chest. Her nipples stood erect against the shirt making it difficult to contain the small groan that threatened to leave his mouth. His body became warm and he was certain that his face had become red.

“Um….err…uh. Y-yeah that’d b-b-be great.”

_Damn Jess._ He took a seat at a card table in the kitchen as she turned her back to him. He couldn’t help but stare at her. The shorts barely covered her stopping right before her tan line. As she bent over to search a cabinet her shorts slipped higher. Mike leaned around the table to get a better look. Seeing no panties caused him to give a half smile.

_Wow! Damn she looks good._

Trying to calm himself he bit his lip and looked around the kitchen. It was bare except for a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a couple of prescription bottles.

E!

Jesse brought two mugs of coffee to the table and sat across from him pulling her legs under her. She added sugar to her mug and sat quietly stirring, the steam wafted off the top of the mug. After several moments of silence she spoke.

“I guess I owe you an explanation.”

Mike took a sip of his coffee and realized he’d bitten too hard on his lip when the hot coffee stung.

“Jesse I don’t want to pressure you. I want you to tell me in your own time, but baby, you scared me when you said that you were beyond help. That’s why I came here. I…I…I was afraid I was going to find you… that you had…that you’d done something stupid. I panicked when you didn’t open the door. I was getting ready to ask Mrs. Dunlap if I could use her phone to call a squad.”

She continued to stir her coffee never lifting her head. Giving a sigh she spoke quietly. She inadvertently had given him a reason to worry about her wellbeing.

“Michael, I would never do that. Brandon once told me after a failed attempt to rescue someone ‘it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’ No matter how bad things get, no matter how I feel suicide is never an option for me. I’ve seen what it does to the people left; I could never put anyone through that kind of guilt. You know them asking ‘What if?’ and ‘What could I have done differently?’ Yes Michael I blame myself for what happened to Brandon. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what I could have done differently. He died because of me, because of a rookie mistake.”

His heart skipped a beat; Jesse again referred to him by Michael. Normally he hates being called by his full name, but something about the way his name rolls off her lips made it pleasant.

_That’s the second time she’s called me by my first name._

“I don’t know what happened on that day, but know that everyone at the station cares about you. You’re family, but you haven’t let anyone get to know you. You hide away avoiding everyone. It’s like you’re afraid. Like you don’t trust us, that you don’t trust me.”

Mike reached out and took her hand holding it tightly so she couldn’t pull away. The urgency of his touch caused her heart rate to increase exponentially.

“Let me help you through this. Like I said you cannot keep going by yourself. Jesse, baby, I care about you; you can trust me.”

Jesse sat quietly staring at her now cold coffee. He was right; she was afraid.

_I can’t afford to get close to others. I can’t go through that again._

After a few minutes she lifted her eyes so hers met his. She looked tired, worn out, black shone underneath her red rimmed eyes. They showed the pain and loneliness she felt. His heart ached as he felt it. She quickly turned her gaze away and sat quietly for several minutes weighing the possibility of letting Mike into her darkness.

“Do you really mean it?”

Mike squeezed her hand.

“Yes I do.”

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and pulled her knees to her chest wrapping her arms around them. Her eyes bore down on the black coffee mug sitting in front of her.

_Can I take that risk? He is right I can’t keep going like this._

She took a deep breath. Mike waited patiently and ran his finger around the rim of his mug. Jesse forcefully blew her last breath out not sure if she made the right decision.

“Ok. If you’re serious about listening and not making judgments then I will try to let you in, to let you help. I do ask that you not tell anyone about what we discuss. I’m not ready for that.”

“You have a deal. My lips are sealed. Whatever you decide to discuss will remain between us. Like I said I don’t want to pressure you. Just tell me when you’re ready. Ok?”

She released her legs letting them return to the floor. She took a sip of coffee.

“Yeah. Do you want some more coffee? Mine is cold.”

He leaned back against the chair debating whether to ask her to breakfast. In his opinion her depression and other problems had no effect on how he was beginning to feel toward her. Buried inside is a totally different girl and he wanted to see her.

“Actually I’m getting hungry. I know of a great little diner on the east side of town.”

She blushed.

“Michael, are you asking me out?”

“Maybe.” He replied as he gave a shrug.

He rose from the table and placed his mug in the sink. He glanced to the prescriptions sitting on the counter. One was an antidepressant the other was for sleep. He prayed she’d never take more of the barbiturates than was prescribed. He wasn’t sure he believed her when she said she’d never attempt suicide. Sometimes people get desperate to find an end to their pain. His eyes moved to the stack of mail sitting beside the prescriptions. On top lay a bill from Saint Francis Medical Center. He didn't mean to be nosy, but the fact that the bill had 'Past Due' written in bright red caused him to read further.

_$10,525?! Intensive care, orthopedic surgery, pain management, hypobaric treatment, physical therapy... Why the hell is she having to pay this? It's obvious this is a work related injury. What the hell is going on here?! Jess, baby, please let me help you._

”I would really like for you to join me.”

Jesse flashed him a quick smile that took his breath away. He just caught a glimpse of the beautiful woman buried deep inside.

“Let me get changed.”

E!

Mike and Jess sat in a small booth at the back of the diner. Stainless steel lined the bottom of the long bar across the room and came halfway up the walls. The floor was covered in black and white checkered tile. A brightly lit jukebox in the corner blared The Beatles’ Come Together. Mike tapped along with the song using his fork. Jesse pulled her sleeve down for the fifth time attempting to keep the bandage covered. Mike gave her a concerned glance wondering what she is so intent on keeping her sleeve pulled down. He also thought it is odd that she opted for a long sleeve shirt when it is so warm outside.

“Mike, honey, it’s been a while! Oh, you brought a lady friend.” The friendly voice brought him out of the trance.

Jesse looked up to see a woman in her fifties holding a pot of coffee and two mugs. Her greying hair curled tightly against her head. Charlene was engraved on her plastic name tag. She smiled warmly at Jesse as she poured the coffee. She set the pot on the edge of the table and pulled out a note pad.

“So Hon, what’ll it be, the usual?”

Mike nodded as he took a long drink of the strong coffee. “Yes ma’am and Jess will have the same.”

Charlene gave Jess another smile as she turned to Mike. “She’s a keeper, hon. I can tell.”

Mike gave a half smile as Charlene left to care for another table. He watched Jess as she pulled all the packets of sugar out their caddy. She set two aside, then proceeded to place the others neatly back in the caddy. She was careful, making sure they were even across the top before setting the caddy neatly between the salt and pepper. Mike felt sure it is just a nervous habit. Placing the caddy back caused the sleeve to move up slightly and reveal the stark white gauze.

Jess could feel him watching her as she rearranged the sugar. She glanced over to him. Embarrassment filled her tired face. She’d done it again, let her OCD tendencies get out of hand.

“Sorry.” She mumbled.

“Jess, so you have a touch of OCD. It’s no big deal.”

“Ok, you two, chow’s on!” Charlene said as she placed the plates in front of them. “Anything else?”

Mike shook his head. “Jess, you good?”

“Yeah, thanks.” She replied softly.

Jess stared at the plate in front of her. It contained a large ham and cheese omelet and two buttermilk pancakes. Mike pointed to his with his fork.

“Other than mine, this is the best omelet you’ll find anywhere. Eat up!”

E!

Mike escorted Jess up to her apartment. He didn’t trust any of the people that loitered within the walls of the complex. Jess received several wolf whistles as she made her way up the narrow metal stairs to her apartment. She ignored them, but Mike felt his anger rising. He bit his tongue to keep from reaming out the guys across the way. She jiggled the key in the lock and opened the door. Playing with the hem of her shirt she turned to face him.

“Thanks for, um, coming to check on me.”

He gently lifted her face with a single finger under her chin. She quickly turned her eyes to the railing beside them.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah.” She whispered.

“Jesse, baby, don’t lie. Are you sure you’re ok? At the diner I saw what I thought was a bandage on your arm. It wasn’t there when you left the station.”

Her eyes grew wide and his heart rate increased. “Yeah, Stoker, I’m fine.”

He reached out and gently took her right arm. Carefully he pulled the sleeve back revealing a bandage. Crimson began to show through the stark white. His heart sank and hoped it isn’t what it looks like.

“My car stalled on the way home. I cut it while adjusting the distributor. Stupid thing is jammed against the fender well.”

Mike eyed her suspiciously. “Well let’s get inside and take a look, make sure it doesn’t need stitches.”

Jesse’s heart raced as she reluctantly agreed. Now is not the time to argue with him. She needed to make sure he believed her.

“Yeah, sure whatever.”


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8

Jesse really didn’t want him coming in to take a look at the cut, but she knew that if he didn’t he’d become even more suspicious than he already is. She noticed several times the worried look he tried so hard to cover up. After closing the door she turned on the living area light. It did little to chase away the darkness that filled the small room so the kitchen light was also turned on.

Mike watched her actions carefully. Jesse seemed nervous and maybe even a tad scared. She walked as if walking on egg shells and pulled at the sleeve on her arm numerous times. Something didn’t add up. She fell to the well worn brown sofa and picked at a hole in her jeans.

_Why are you so nervous in your own home? What are you trying so hard to hide?_

“You don’t have to look at it, ya know. It’s not that bad.” She stated softly hoping he’d drop it and go home.

“Jesse, I just want to be sure. You have a habit of down playing injuries so my trust is a little limited in this area.”

Mike crouched in front of the sofa next to her and gently took her arm. At first Jesse tried to pull it away from him arousing further suspicion. She turned her gaze to the bottom of the wall to the right refusing to look at him.

“I don’t want to be any trouble. Honestly Stoker I am fine.” She whispered barely audible.

He gently placed his hand over hers wondering if she had one friend who cared what happened to her. Leaning down he tried hard to see her face but she turned farther away.

“Baby, you’re not any trouble. You are part of the family and family takes care of one another. I understand you didn’t have that connection at your previous assignment, but you have it now.”

The words I’m sorry passed silently across her lips. He moved up and sat on the couch next to her and wrapped his arms around her. Jess stayed for a moment. Her heart pounded in her chest as his scent filled her senses. She slowly pushed away and hung her head.

“Please don’t do that. I don’t like physical contact like that especially from a coworker I find…”

Realizing she is about to reveal her secret attraction to him Jesse stopped suddenly. She swallowed hard hoping he didn’t hear the last part. Mike softly bit his lip and decided to ignore it. He didn’t want to lose what little trust he has.

_That answers my question. She does like me._

“I’m sorry. I just thought you needed someone to hold you, you know a brotherly hug. Now please let me look at that cut, ok?” he stated emphasizing brotherly.

She gently pulled the sleeve back and removed the gauze causing the wound to seep red again. Still refusing to look at him she offered the arm to him. He gently inspected the jagged cut that ran semi diagonally down her arm. It was approximately three inches long and almost an eighth of an inch deep. Mike’s heart sank. It looked too uniform to be an accident. He carefully recovered the wound and frowned when the tape wouldn’t stay down.

“Uh, Jesse, this needs stitches. Where are your first aid supplies?” He asked hoping they are in the bathroom.

She shifted uncomfortably. “In the bathroom, the cabinet under the sink.”

Mike rose and went down the dark narrow hallway. He didn’t want to invade her privacy, but he needed to check something. In order to open the cabinet he needed to close the door which is a blessing. With it closed she’d be less likely to hear him rummaging around. While searching for the required supplies his eyes fell to the edge of a razor sitting behind the shower curtain. Pulling the curtain back his brows knit together in confusion. The water surrounding it is swirled with bright red. He took a ragged breath as his heart leapt.

_Fuck, it was intentional! Damn, what am I going to do?!_

E!

Jesse strained to see down the hall. Mike is taking too long to retrieve supplies. She headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

_They are right there in front. What the hell is taking him so long? Maybe he needed to take a leak._

She leaned against the counter still wondering what is taking so long. The sound of the shower curtain caused her eyes to grow wide. She ran a hand nervously through her hair.

_Shit, my razor! He must have seen it. Damn it all to hell! Now what am I going to do?_

She watched Mike make his way slowly back in the living area carrying a small stack of first aid items. The look on his face gave it all away. He found the razor and knew what really happened to her arm.

“Find what you’re looking for?” She glared at him over a cup of fresh coffee, her eyes flashing with anger.

He set the items on the counter in front of her and leaned heavily on it. He looked to her with empathy filling his baby blue eyes.

“Jess, I took a leak, ok?”

Placing both hands on the counter top she scoffed and leaned toward him. “Yeah, is that why I heard the shower curtain? Stoker, you invaded my privacy! Now answer me! Did you find what you’re looking for?”

Mike knew honesty was important. He had to regain what little trust she had in him. “Yeah, Jesse, I did. Your razor has blood on it and around it. I know what you’re doing….”

“Fuck you, Stoker! Fuck you! You have no idea what I’m doing! You can’t even begin to understand…” she yelled forcefully pushing away from the counter.

Mike held up his hands. He’d hoped to never use the training he received, but Jess gave him no other option. He needed to diffuse the situation. She was right he didn’t understand why she resorted to causing herself physical harm.

“Jesse, you’re right I don’t understand. I’m not even going to pretend to, but baby, you’re playing a dangerous game. Now you just told me suicide is not an option for you. I believe you, but cutting is only one step away. One slip up can cost you your life. Baby, please answer me honestly. Is this the first time you’ve done this?”

He watched her attempt to keep her breathing even. It’s obvious she’s outraged he poked around in the bathroom. He hoped she understood he only wanted to help.

“Yeah, it’s the first time.” She lied.

He moved closer to her causing her to eye him suspiciously. “What made you do it? I mean how’d you get the idea?”

Jesse leaned heavily on the counter placing her head on her arms. An internal struggle raged as she debated on telling the truth. A loud long sigh filled the kitchen. She looked up at him still leaning on her arms. Her eyes were filled with pain and sadness.

_His concern seems authentic, either that or he’s a good liar. Hell he might as well know._

“You remember my first call with ya’ll? When I cut my shoulder getting in the car I received such a rush. At first it scared the hell out of me, how good it felt. For a little while I didn’t have any of the emotional pain I normally carry. I tried so hard to forget it, but this morning after my outburst with you I needed some kind of relief. So I picked up my razor and well you know the rest. I guess you’ll inform Captain Stanley, who will then contact headquarters, and thus ends my career in the fire service. It’s amazing what a label like ‘firefighter in distress’ can do.”

She looked down her arm and watched a small pool of red form on the counter. Jesse shrugged it off.

_Blood on the counter is the least of my worries, finding another job on the other hand is._

Mike wanted so badly to hold her, to show he really cared. Not wanting to cause any further problems he restrained himself.

“Jesse, I won’t do that if you promise me that you will contact the department psychiatrist on you own. Dr. Burrows is a little unorthodox. He won’t rat you out to Cap unless you pose a real threat to yourself. Tell him this is an isolated incident and you want help.”

She inhaled sharply and stood upright. “You promise you won’t say a word, not even when Captain asks why I have a bandage on my arm?”

“Yeah, Jess, I promise. However if I find out that you haven’t followed through on your end of the deal then I will tell. Is it ok if I call Johnny?”

Jesse’s eyes grew wide with fear. She didn’t want anyone else finding out what happened. Feeling warmth running down her arm she gently applied pressure to the wound.

Turning to face him she questioned, “WHY?!”

Mike gently placed his hands on her narrow shoulders. She began to tremble underneath his gentle touch.

_Doesn’t he know what he’s doing to me?_

“Johnny knows the doctors and nurses at Rampart. It would be easier for him to help you than me. Don’t worry I’ll go too and you don’t have to worry about him. He’s very trust worthy and is just as worried about you as I am.”

She inhaled deeply thinking about what he said. Turning her eyes back to the heavily scuffed floor she slowly let the breath out. She didn’t want anyone else to know the secret she’d been trying so hard to keep under wraps.

“Fine, but please don’t tell him how this really happened. I don’t need anyone else judging me. It’s bad enough that the station’s second in command knows.”

Mike ran a hand slowly though his hair. He didn’t like lying to Johnny. It would be only a matter of time before he figured out the truth.

“Jesse, I can’t lie to him. He’s pretty perceptive. One look at that cut and he will know the truth, so it’s better if we just tell him straight up. I promise he won’t judge you. If you feel I am then I’m sorry that is not my intent. I want to meet the real Jesse, but if you keep playing this game with yourself then I won’t get to. I know this girl standing across from me is not her. Something happened that made you change. I hope you will allow me or someone to help you.”

Swallowing hard Jesse reached across the counter and picked up the phone. Keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the gray counter she handed it to him.

“Here call him, and yes tell him how screwed up I am.”

He gently took the phone from her and placed it back on the cradle. “You are not screwed up, Jesse. You’re hurting that’s different. First let’s bandage that.”

Jesse allowed him to lead her back to the couch. As she sat on the edge she offered her arm to him. He crouched down in front of her and prepared the supplies one handedly. She retracted when he poured peroxide on the torn flesh and tried hard to control the euphoria.

“Sorry.” He whispered softly as he applied a crude pressure bandage.

She inspected his work before falling back against the couch. “Not bad….for an engineer.”

He chuckled softly. “I’m no medic, but it should hold till Johnny gets here.”

E!

“Hey Johnny, its Mike.”

_“Hey what’s up? It’s not like you to call this early.”_

“Are you busy?”

_“Uh, no, you know if I was I wouldn’t answer the phone. Mike what is going on? You sound like you’re worried sick.”_

Mike hesitated and studied Jesse. She continued to stare at the floor and absentmindedly picked at the growing hole in her jeans. He feared she was on the verge of shutting down.

“I’m here at Jesse’s and I need you to come over. Johnny, she’s in bad shape. I don’t know how to say it, but to say it straight. Jesse is harming herself intentionally. She, um, she cut her arm with a straight razor. It’s still bleeding…”

_“Mike is she conscious? How bad is it bleeding?”_

“Yeah she’s still awake. The bleeding isn’t too bad. I have a pressure bandage on it.”

_“Ok, I’m on my way. Where does she live?”_

“Shady Grove apartments off Avalon, 36B.”

_“Damn, she lives in that dump? Lots of druggies live there. Ok see you in ten minutes. Oh, keep an eye on her; she’s in a fragile state. Do not leave her alone.”_

“Yeah, I know and I won’t.”

E!

Johnny hung up the phone and hung his head. He knew Jess was struggling but had no idea she was doing this. He mentally kicked himself for not recognizing the signs sooner. Giving a long sigh he reached in his wallet and pulled out a business card.

“Damn, Jesse, what happened to you?” he said aloud while he dialed the number listed on the card.

He waited patiently as the phone on the other end rang for the fifth time.

_“Hello, this is Dr. Burrows.”_

“Hey, Doc, it’s John Gage from Station 51.”

_“Hi, John, what can I do for you?”_

“Well, uh, I have a friend that really needs to see you. Doc, I can’t go into details, but they need to see you as soon as possible. I’m on my way to her house now and will give her your number. Hopefully she will call today.”

_”John, I really need more information. I assume she is the new lineman out there at 51.”_

“Doc, I can’t give you any more than she’s struggling and needs to see you. Her name is Jesse Johnson and yes she’s new here.”

John heard an exasperated sigh on the other end. “ _Ok, I will fit her in. I leave a vacancy for emergencies. I really wish you could give me more information so I can make adequate preparations, but I know you don’t call unless there’s a legitimate need. Thanks John and I pray she will call me.”_

“Me too, she’s a great asset to the station and I’d hate to lose her.”

Johnny hung up the phone, picked up his medical bag from under the counter, and ran out the door.

E!

Mike sat next to Jesse on the sofa. She’s been quite and withdrawn since their exchange in the kitchen. Her eyes refused to look in his direction causing him to wonder what she is thinking about. He glanced around the tiny apartment searching for anything to talk about, anything that would end the deafening silence. The walls are barren and numerous unpacked boxes are piled around the living room and down the hall. His eyes fell on the sketch pad lying on the coffee table.

“So, um, Jesse you like to draw?”

She didn’t give a verbal reply, but nodded softly.

“May I take a look?” he inquired reaching for the black book.

Watching him open the book caused her eyes to grow wide and her heart began to pound. She panicked and quickly shut the book on his hand.

“Please don’t!” she pleaded.

Mike gave her a perplexed look and pulled his hand back. He studied her carefully. Jesse’s eyes were full of fear and panic.

“I’m sorry. I’m just curious.”

“It’s nothing special, not worth looking at, ok? I just draw fire stuff, like rigs and equipment.” She stated as she placed the book between the wall and the couch.

“That sounds cool. Maybe one day you can show me one.”

She shrugged and resumed picking at her jeans. He shook his head sadly. Jesse was withdrawing deeper inside herself. The chances of successfully pulling her back were shrinking. A loud knock caused both of them to jump. Mike rose and answered the door.

“Hey, Mike. Where is she?” Johnny questioned as he entered the apartment.

Mike motioned to the couch by pointing a thumb behind him. Not knowing how she would react to his presence Johnny approached the couch carefully. Jesse didn’t acknowledge his presence. After placing the medical bag on the table he sat on the edge of the couch next to her.

“Hi, Jesse.” He said softly.

Again he was ignored. His heart sank at the sight of his friend. He gently bit his lip and contemplated his next move.

“Jesse, sweetheart, please look at me. I only want to help and to do that I need you to talk to me, ok?”

She turned a little toward him before giving him a quick glance. She looked up into chocolate eyes filled with sympathy and reluctantly held out her arm. He gently pulled the bandage off causing the wound to seep again. The sight of the cut caused him to wince.

_Any farther down Mike would have been too late._

“Jesse, is this the first time you’ve cut?”

She nodded slowly and moved her gaze to the edge of the coffee table. He placed the gauze back over the cut hand held it firmly attempting to stop the now steady flow of blood.

“May I ask why you did?”

She inhaled deeply. “I needed some relief from the pain. When I cut myself at that car accident it gave me a rush, you know a release. I tried hard to ignore it, but the thought kept nagging at me….”

“Let me get this covered again and we will head over to Rampart for some stitches.”

“Like I told Stoker, I’m fine. Please go home. I promise I will talk with someone.”

Mike shook his head. “Jesse, we are going to Rampart. You need stitches and you are not doing them yourself.”

Jesse clenched her jaw tightly as she glared at the floor. “If I go there they will put me in the psych ward and my career will be over.”

Mike moved closer to the couch. “Not if we tell them this is an accident.”

“Whoa, hold on Mike. This isn’t an accident you told me yourself. Jesse needs more than just a few stitches. She needs to see a psychiatrist.” Johnny replied suddenly.

“She promised to call Dr. Burrows in exchange for us not telling Cap. She knows if she doesn’t keep her word then Cap will be notified. Isn’t that right, Jesse?”

Clenching her jaw again she glared at the engineer. “Yeah.”

Johnny gave a long sigh as he pulled some items from the bag. “I don’t like this, but since you two have an agreement I’ll go along. However you are not staying alone…”

Jesse’s temper began to rise. She pulled her arm free of Johnny’s tight grip. “I’m not staying with either of you.”

“Fine then I will stay here on the couch.” Johnny replied softly knowing Mike didn’t need to be alone with her.

She growled her displeasure and got up from the couch. Holding her still bleeding arm against her chest she entered the kitchen.

“Fine have it your way, but you _stay_ on the couch.” She replied while filling a glass with water.

Mike gave Johnny a stern look. He didn’t want John staying with her. He had his eye on Jesse and didn’t want any competition. He watched Johnny cautiously approach her.

“Ok after Rampart we come back here. Then you will call Dr. Burrows and set up an appointment. First I really want to dress that. You’re getting blood all over your shirt.” He said calmly.

Jesse reluctantly returned to the couch and allowed him to dress the wound.

 


	9. Chapter 9

CH. 9

“So run that by me again.”

Brackett stood in front of his patient. Suspicion filled his tired face as he tapped on the metal tray containing suturing supplies. Dixie gave her a stern look then placed a bottle of iodine on the tray. Jesse rolled her eyes. This was the fourth time she had to explain what happened. She gave Mike a ‘help me’ look. He stood leaned against the yellow wall arms crossed watching her intently from furrowed brows. He shook his head and mouthed. “Tell him again!”

_He’s trying to figure out if you’re telling the truth._

“Fine, I’ll tell you again.” She stated. Frustration filled her voice. “I was on my way home from work when my car died at an intersection. So I got out popped the hood and checked it out. I found one of the plug wires came loose. It’s located right against the fender and you have to really cram yourself in there. A car horn caused me to yank my arm out of the hole and it ran across a sharp piece of metal in the process.”

Brackett shook his head and slowly ran a hand down his face.

“So how’d you end up with a paramedic and another of your shift mates here with you?” he inquired suspiciously.

“AAGGRRRHHH really Doc? We’ve been through this four times already! I called Gage at home to come and take a look at it after I got home. You know to see if it really needed stitches. Stoker just happened to be at his house so they both came over.”

Brackett shook his head as he threaded the needle with the thin plastic wire. He wasn’t fully convinced this was an accident. Something about the location and uniformity of the cut wasn’t right. Jesse never flinched as he pulled the wound closed with twenty stitches. She watched him carefully as he made notes of his suspicion on her chart.

“Dix, bandage that, will ya?” he stated as he left the room.

Dix waited till Brackett had left the room before addressing her. “You know if you’re lying he will find out.”

Mike cringed at Dixie’s statement. Johnny mentioned on the way over how perceptive Brackett is. He didn’t realize that the nurse was too. Jesse sat silently watching the normally friendly nurse cover the neat line of stitches.

“Well all done. Don’t get them wet for a couple of days and come back here if there is any sign of infection. Also keep them covered while on duty.”

“Thanks.” Jesse replied dryly as she pulled the sleeve of the shirt over it.

E!

Johnny stood at Dixie’s desk nervously tapping his fingers. He’d hoped Dr. Early or even Morton would be taking care of Jesse, but Brackett was the only one available. As Jesse explained to the doctor the reason for her visit he’d shot Johnny a concerned look before escorting her to treatment three. Johnny didn’t like lying about what happened or the fact that Jesse wasn’t seeing a psychiatrist.

“Hey Johnny?” the sound of Brackett’s voice startled him.

“Uh, yeah Doc.”

As he poured a cup of coffee Brackett inquired about Jesse’s injury. Johnny scratched his chest nervously with his middle finger. He promised Jess he would try to cover for her.

“Well like I told ya she called me at home and asked if I could come over. She said that her arm was cut on the way home. Something about having to adjust the distributor or somethin’”

Brackett shook his head in frustration and slammed the mug on the table.

“Yeah that’s what she said, but Johnny something just doesn’t add up. That cut is too uniform to have been from metal and the angle is all wrong. You’re sure that’s what happened?”

Johnny nodded before finishing his coffee. “Yeah pretty sure.”

“Fine, but Johnny keep an eye on her. She seems depressed.”

“Doc, you know I keep tabs on all my coworkers.”

Brackett just sighed as he headed to his office.

E!

Dixie stepped out of treatment three with her own suspicions. Her patient seemed a little nervous, too nervous. Something wasn’t right, but the nurse couldn’t place her finger on it.

“Hey Dix how’s it goin’” Johnny stated offering her a wide smile.

Dix sat on the stool and pulled a chart off the rack. “Johnny, how well do you know Jesse?”

“Well, uh, just at work. She stays pretty much to herself. Why?” he asked knowing full well where the nurse was taking the conversation.

She set the pen on top of the clipboard and gave a long sad sigh. “I’m not sure, but she seems really depressed, almost like she is on the verge of a shutdown. Do me a favor. Keep an eye on her. I’m worried and I know Mike is too. I noticed how he looks at her. Do I sense your engineer has a thing for his lineman?”

Johnny smiled and scratched his chest.

_So I’m not the only one who noticed Mike’s attraction to Jesse._

“Dix like I told Brackett I always keep an eye on my coworkers, and yes I think Mike does like her. Just don’t say anything about it, ok? I’m not sure she feels the same way.”

She gave him an innocent smile. “Oh I won’t.”

E!

Mike and Jesse waited in the hall for Johnny. She kept her eyes to the floor and anxiously shifted her feet. He gave a silent sigh fearing she’d shut down completely.

“Jesse, baby, are you sure you’re ok?”

She nodded and shifted again before softly replying. “Yeah, Michael, I’m ok. I just want to go home and sleep. I’m sorry I ruined your day. I’m sure you had other things to do.”

He gave a half smile and leaned against the wall next to her. “Not really. I hate mowing the lawn and the laundry will be there tomorrow. Besides making sure you’re ok is way more important.”

“Hey are you two ready?” Johnny said causing Jesse to jump.

“Yeah I think Dr. Brackett has Jesse squared away.”

Johnny studied her intently. She pulled at the sleeve and kept her gaze glued to the freshly polished floor. Seeing a friend like this caused his heart to ache.

“Well ok. Hey how about we swing by Dave’s, pick up a couple of pizzas, grab some beer, and catch the Dodger’s game?”

Mike smiled. “Sounds great, what do you think Jess?”

“Sure, whatever.” Came a quiet reply as she headed to the emergency room entrance.

_I’m going to bed but ya’ll are more than welcome to do whatever you want._

After stepping outside she inhaled the fresh air deeply. Jesse hated the smell of a hospital and was glad to be rid of the strong disinfectant odor that filled her nose moments ago. She reluctantly followed the two men to the full parking lot keeping her head down to avoid the bright sunlight that beat down on them.

E!

“Come on Jesse. Stay out here and watch the game with us. I mean it’s your house. Johnny and I will feel kind of weird if you don’t.”

Mike leaned on the wall next to her in the narrow dark hallway. Jesse stood in front of the bedroom door with a hand on the knob. She took a quick look at the engineer before quickly averting her eyes back to the floor.

“Michael, I’m tired. I want to strip down, bury myself in the covers, and sleep.”

He sighed loudly and tried hard to stop the image of her naked from forming in his mind. She glanced up to him again. He was nervously biting his bottom lip and his face was beet red. Pale red began to form on her face at the sight of what she’d done to him.

“Sorry, that was more than you needed to know.” She whispered.

He gently placed a finger under her chin and raised her face so he could see it. Jesse swallowed hard and kept her gaze fixed to a hole in the tile.

“S’ok, but baby, you really need to spend time with people. Spending this much time alone isn’t healthy. Now come on you’re watching the game and eating with us.”

_You need to eat. You think no one pays attention to the fact your bunker pants are getting looser._

Realizing he wasn’t going to take no for an answer she rolled her eyes. “Fine, you win.”

E!

Jesse sat quietly watching the first inning between the Dodgers and the Phillies. She managed to force down a slice of pizza before setting the plate on the coffee table. After wiping her hand on the front of her jeans she began to pick at a hole in them.

Mike watched her carefully out of the corner of his eye before reaching in the cooler beside him. He tapped her on the shoulder with a bottle. She pulled back at the feeling of something cold touching her.

“Here, want one?”

She shrugged and accepted it. “Might as well.”

Johnny slapped Mike roughly on the shoulder before whispering, “What the hell, Mike? She doesn’t need to be drinking…”

Mike shoved him back roughly. “You’re the one who suggested we get some. It’s not fair us drinking it and not sharing.”

Jesse rolled her eyes and took a long drink. “It’s ok, Dad. I’m a big girl besides you said you were sleeping on the couch. Don’t worry I know my limit.”

_Messed up my plans by doing so._

Mike chuckled and nudged Johnny roughly. “Yeah, Dad lighten up.”

E!

During the bottom of the fifth inning Jesse began to feel the effects of the alcohol. Without thinking she curled up against Mike on the large sofa. As she placed her head against his chest she inhaled deeply.

_Wow, he smells good, really good. Kind of woodsy laced with a tad of smoke. Yum I’d love to curl up with this tonight._

He looked down to the girl nestled against his chest and gave a small smile. He gently placed his arm around her shoulder causing her to let out a soft almost inaudible moan. Johnny quickly glanced over to them and sadly shook his head.

_Looks like Jesse feels the same way toward him, but then again it could be the beer. She’s had quite a few._

After settling in against the quiet engineer Jesse resumed silently watching the game. Baseball was a sport that she only watched on occasion. Actually it was the only sport she watched. Football and basketball were too boring and golf always put her to sleep. Mike attempted to watch the game, but he was too busy relishing the feeling of her against him.

Johnny reached in the cooler for another brew and knit his eyebrows in frustration.

“Come on ref, that was a bum call and you know it!”

She laughed at John who was upset that the Dodgers were losing to the Phillies.

“Come on Gage, it’s only the third game of the championship. They’ll come back! Just wait and see!”

“Yeah, how do you know?” he teased back.

She finished off her current beer before responding. “I just do. Do you want to bet on it?”

Johnny laughed as he set his back on the table. “Yeah, I do. I bet you ten bucks that the Dodgers lose the championship.”

Mike shook his head surprised that she’d loosened up enough to have a little fun.

_It’s the beer, has to be._

She leaned across him and inadvertently pressed her lean form against his chest. Realizing that she wasn’t wearing a bra caused warmth to run down straight to his cock. She leaned further over and placed her hand inches from it. He swallowed hard trying to control himself. The scent of lavender and vanilla almost sent him over the edge.

_Cool it! Think about the coldest rescue I’ve done. Think about freezing cold water, anything but where her hand is. She’s buzzed and doesn’t even know what she’s doing. Freezing cold shower in the middle of December._

“Shake on it.” She giggled. As she shifted her weight the hand slid even closer to the growing bulge causing his cock to twitch in response. “Shake on it or it’s not a deal.”

Johnny took her hand. “Fine it’s a deal. Easiest ten bucks I’ve ever made.”

She grinned. “Nope easiest ten bucks I’ve made. You just wait and see!”

Jesse slid back to her spot on the couch lightly brushing her fingertips across his hard cock in the process. Flashing Mike a wild smile she pulled another beer out of the cooler on the coffee table causing him to wonder if her hand was placed there intentionally. She sank deeply on the couch and enjoyed the cold beverage. She caught him staring and flashed a seductive smile.

_Enjoy that? Shame Johnny’s staying tonight. We could have a lot of fun together._

John sulked as the Dodgers lost the game. He looked at his watch.

“Damn, I didn’t realize it was that late. Explains why I’m hungry though.”

Jesse laughed. Johnny was always hungry. “Gage, I feel sorry for your momma, having to feed you while growing up”

Johnny scoffed. “Yeah, well what about yours? What does she think about her daughter fighting fires?”

Jesse turned the almost empty bottle around in her shaking hands. Tears threatened to come forth as memories of the night she lost her parents flooded her mind. It would have been easier if they hadn’t departed at the same time.

“She’s dead.”

Johnny cringed. “Jesse, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

She shrugged and finished off the last of the beer. Mike looked to her, empathy filling his eyes. She sat silently picking at what was left of her nails.

“Well since the game is over I’m going to bed. Ya’ll are welcome to stay and do whatever.” She stated before rising and heading down the hall.

E!

Mike looked at Johnny who sat quietly watching her leave. Under different circumstances her southern accent would be funny. “So, uh, Johnny are you sure you don’t have anything to do tonight?”

Johnny shook his head. “Nah, Janice canceled on me a few days ago. I’ll be fine here. Someone needs to make sure she doesn’t try anything.”

Mike swallowed hard before pulling himself up off the couch. “You really think she’d do it?”

Johnny ran a finger under his nose pondering. Jesse was unstable to say the least. He mentally reviewed her behavior. She has a heart for people and the job, but the way she treats herself is a different story. Jesse hardly eats, spends a lot of time alone, and apparently spends her off nights at the bar. He’d seen her at the local dive on more than one occasion. He leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees.

“Mike, to be honest I don’t know what to expect. Based on what happened today I’d say yeah she’s capable of it. I wish she’d let us help; I like her. She’s an amazing firefighter and was probably an awesome paramedic. Don’t worry. I will keep an eye on her tonight and suggest she call Dr. Burrows in the morning. He is expecting her call.”

Mike rubbed the back of his neck debating whether he should tell Johnny what she said earlier about suicide.

“Uh, for what it’s worth, Jesse said earlier that suicide isn’t an option for her. She said she didn’t want to put anyone through that kind of guilt, but I do agree she doesn’t need to be alone. So how are we working tomorrow? I have nothing to do that I can’t get done this evening.”

Johnny studied his friend. Mike’s concern for her is genuine. He’s always treated the crew like family, laughing with them, sharing their hurt, and going out of his way to help them. However he suspected, no knew, he really liked her and didn’t want to open the door for temptation. Not that Mike would ever take advantage of her.

“Yeah, if you can stay with her tomorrow that’d be great. I have a couple of appointments that I can’t miss. Come by around 10. Like I mentioned I need to convince her to call Dr. Burrows and make sure she eats something.”

“I don’t need a babysitter. I’m not going to off myself.” Jesse stated coldly.

Her eyes bore into the two men sitting on the couch as she entered the room from the darkened hallway. She felt offended by their “concern” for her. Leaning against the counter separating the kitchen from the living room she crossed her arms and continued to glare at them.

“Jess, look it’s not that we don’t believe you, but sweetheart you’re in a fragile state. I’m staying as a brother who really cares…”

Jesse forcefully pushed herself off the counter. Her eyes flashed with anger as she stepped closer to Johnny.

“A BROTHER?! Gage, I don’t have one and sure as hell don’t need one! I’m only letting you stay because if I don’t you’ll take my sorry ass to the psych ward, and there’s no way in fucking hell I’m going there!”

She stood rigid and her breathing was labored. Anger welled inside her churning up hatred toward the young dark haired paramedic. She clenched her jaw tightly to stop another outburst.

“Jess, please calm down. I know you don’t want Johnny to stay and don’t want me coming back tomorrow, but Jesse in all honesty you don’t need to be alone. I believe you when you say suicide is not an option for you, but I’m not sure you won’t harm yourself again.”

Her small body began to tremble. She was in conflict. Part of her wanted help, to reach out and end the pain, but the other part reminded this is her punishment for letting Brandon die.

“Why do you care? I’m not worth it.” she stated with trepidation.

Johnny’s heart sank. He ran a hand through his hair not sure how to answer her question. It’s obvious she doesn’t include herself in the family at 51. He didn’t understand why. He decided to reach out with friendship instead of family.

_You are worth it. What happened to cause this self-doubt?_

“Sweetheart, you’re right you don’t need a babysitter; you need a friend. I like you, consider you a friend, and will do anything to help a friend. Even if that means sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa so you are safe. Plus you promised you’d help me study for the registry test.”

Mike bit the inside of his lip trying to figure out what to say.

“Jess, I too consider you a friend and just want you to be safe. Please understand I am not trying to offend or judge you. I don’t want to lose you. I lost my younger brother in high school. I chose to ignore his silent screams for help. He’d given them for months and on March 20, 1966 after tripping on acid he ended his life. I promise you I won’t ignore yours.” He stated as tears filled his blue eyes.

Johnny sat dumfounded. He’d worked with Mike for six years and never knew his brother committed suicide. It did explain how he looked and acted at those types of rescues. Jesse stared at the floor regretting her outburst. The two men in her apartment really did want to help her. Thinking about Mike’s revelation caused her shoulders to sag.

“Fine, Gage you can stay tonight and Stoker I will see you tomorrow.” She stated softly.

Mike wanted so badly to hold her, but with Johnny in the room it wasn’t possible. He inhaled deeply and moved toward the door.

_Maybe tomorrow I can hold you; let you know how I really feel._

“Ok, Johnny I’ll be here around ten and Jesse please get some rest, ok?”

She only nodded before heading to the kitchen. As the door closed she pulled the loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter from the cabinet. Johnny leaned heavily against the counter and watched her.

“Is that what you’re having for dinner?!”

“Yeah, you want one?”

He gave a small smile. “Uh, a peanut butter sandwich, dinner does not make. How about I order takeout from the Chinese place down the road?”

Jesse crinkled her nose. She’d tried that place shortly after moving in. It was terrible. She slowly turned to him. “Uh, no that place is the worst. If you want Chinese then Chang’s on Alameda is better. Don’t worry they deliver. Neither you nor me needs to be driving.”

“Ok, fine Chang’s. You know you just allowed Mike to drive home.”

She gave a small half smile while thinking about the engineer. She almost felt guilty about curling up next to him earlier. He isn’t hers and technically what she did was wrong. “Yeah, but he only had two. We had at least six each.”

E!

“Jess, you were right. Chang’s is way better than The Happy Dragon.”

She shrugged as she cleaned up the containers. After throwing them in the trash she proceeded to wipe down the table. Johnny watched her carefully. She kept her distance from him insinuating she is uncomfortable around him. He leaned forward on the shaky table.

“Um, Jess, can I ask you what happened, you know, at your old station?” he inquired hesitantly.

Jesse turned quickly around annoyed by his nosiness. She roughly threw the rag in the sink.

“No, you may not! That, Gage, is none of your fucking business! I show up and do my job. That’s all that matters!” she said while walking down the hall.

_Damn, what is her deal?_

“Jesse! Jesse, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave.” He called after her.

Realizing she wasn’t coming back he shouted, “At least tell me if you have an extra pillow and blanket!”

“In the hall closet!” He heard before the bedroom door slammed shut.

Giving a long sigh he rose and headed to the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror he debated on breaking his end of the deal. Jesse is retreating deeper within herself. By doing so she is giving him more reason to not believe her statement about not ending her life. He knew all too well that sometimes people get desperate to find an end to their pain.

After relieving himself he went to the hall closet to retrieve his sleeping materials. Hearing Jesse’s sobs emanating from the bedroom caused him to lean against the open door of the closet. He felt horrible. Jesse is in enormous pain, and it isn’t the kind of pain he can help with. He pulled a brightly colored blanket from the top shelf and inadvertently pulled an object with it. A well-worn book landed to the floor with and sent papers flying.

He gave a long sigh then bent down to pick it up. Seeing photos of Jesse and what looked like her twin brother caused his eyebrows to rise in surprise. He slid to the floor and slowly flipped through the album. He stared in amazement as photo after photo showed the real Jesse. He sat in awe of the fun loving girl in them. In every photo, even the ones of her on scene, her eyes shone brightly filled with fierce determination. She was happy. He lingered on the paramedic photos and award certificates. Jesse graduated at the top of the medic class and had passed the NREMT with flying colors. Her face shone brightly and a crooked smile filled her vibrant face as she accepted the diploma. The next photo showed her brother hugging her exuberantly at what he assumed was the reception. Again she held a smile that lit up the room.

_Wow, so this is the real Jesse! She’s gorgeous. That smile is amazingly contagious._

His smile quickly faded when he came to a yellowing newspaper clipping. Tears filled his eyes as he read the headline that revealed what caused Jesse’s downward spiral.

“ _Local Firefighter Dies in Four Alarm Warehouse Fire.”_

Underneath the headline was a photo of her brother.


	10. Chapter 10

Ch. 10

Captain Stanley gave an annoyed growl before answering the ringing phone. It was 7:30 and there was too much to do before shift started. A massive stack of paperwork sat on the desk demanding to be finished and filed.

“Station 51, Captain Stanley.”

_“Hank, its Ted Burrows. How are you?”_

Cap furrowed his brow. The department psychologist rarely called the station. The only time he does is after a catastrophic event to hold a debriefing session and there hasn’t been one of those. The only other reason was if one of his crew called him.

“Ted, things are going well. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

_“Well, I need some information on your new lineman.”_

Cap’s heart leapt. _So Jesse called you._

“Ok, Ted, I’ll bite. What do you want to know about Jesse?”

“ _Just the basics, like how’s she adjusting to life at 51 and anything else you think important. HQ is curious how everyone accepts her.”_

Cap gave a false laugh. “So they’re wondering if she can handle the stress. Yeah, Ted, she’s quite capable of doing the job. She’s one of the best linemen I’ve seen in quite a while, has fierce determination. She’s also has medic training which comes in handy. I honestly wish I could have three medics. The men have no problem with a female working with them.”

There was a small pause as Dr. Burrows pondered the information. _“How’s she handling things mentally? Sometimes a drastic move from one section of the country to another puts a lot of stress on an individual.”_

“She seems to be withdrawn at times. Then there’s the incident on her first day.”

_“What incident was that?”_

Cap ran a hand down his face regretting his last comment. He’d handled that in house and didn’t fill out a reprimand for HQ. Now he was diverging that information to a person from HQ.

“Well, Ted, she hid an injury. I later found out that she was afraid I’d punish her for getting hurt on the job…”

Another small pause filled the line. _“Hiding an injury is serious, Hank. Why do you think she is afraid?”_

“Based on her actions while in my office her previous captain believed in corporal punishment, if you know what I’m implying.”

_“I do. Thanks Hank that gives me something to work with. Don’t be afraid to call me if you need to, if you know what I’m inferring.”_

Cap placed the phone back in the cradle and gave a long sigh. Jesse’s behavior continued to worry him. Not only is she avoiding any unnecessary contact with the crew she is retreating deeper within herself. He watched her round the engine in route to the locker room. As usual she is already in uniform and keeps her head down.

_I’ll give her this despite everything she is always early for shift. Maybe seeing Ted will help her open up to us._

E!

Jesse stood next to Chet in the morning line up absentmindedly picking at the self-adhesive wrap on her arm. Chet gently nudged her with his elbow. She rolled her eyes before asking what he needed. Chet’s blue eyes stared at her with concern. To him she is acting weirder that usual.

“Hey, babe, what happened?” he asked pointing to the wrap.

“Nothing you need to be concerned about, Kelly.” She snapped back.

He pursed his lips tightly to keep back a smart remark and shook his head. His partner as usual acted suspicious. He sighed before placing the black dress cap over his curly hair.

_Keepin’ my eye on you, babe. You’re hiding something and I intend to find out._

Captain Stanley looked down the line of his crew. Mike and Johnny both were fidgeting and glancing down the lineup toward Jesse who stared blankly at the bay door in front of her. Cap studied her behavior closely and his eyes fell to a tan bandage wrapped tightly around her forearm. He cleared his throat loudly before running down the list from headquarters.

“Ok, well that leaves chores. Stoker, dayroom, Roy, bay, Gage, dorms and I want those cleaned thoroughly, Pal. Kelly, you’ve got latrines and Johnson you’re cooking today so help Stoker with the day room. That’s all you’re dismissed.”

Jesse began a quick retreat to the dayroom for dinner prep.

“Uh, Jesse, can I talk to you for a second?” Cap said as she passed him.

She only nodded before moving toward him. Keeping her eyes glued to the floor she absentmindedly picked at the edge of the bandage arousing further suspicion. Both entered the small office. Cap decided to leave the door open hoping it would ease any discomfort she felt.

“Jesse, what happened to your arm?” he inquired gently.

“I cut it while working on my truck. I had to adjust the distributor on my way home last shift. Don’t worry, Sir, it won’t affect my job. I have a work release if you need it.”

He nodded before running a hand through his black hair. Something about the way she replied caused him to doubt her reason. Looking out of the corner of his eye to the bay he noticed the distraught look held by his engineer.

_You’re hiding something, Jess. Why?_

“Yeah, I guess I’d better place it in your file, just to be safe.”

She fished a crumpled piece of paper out of the left shirt pocket and handed it to her superior. “Is that all, Sir?” she asked timidly.

“Yes, Jesse. Honey, are you sure everything is ok?”

She nodded before quietly walking toward the kitchen to prepare for lunch and dinner.

E!

After roll call Mike sat in Captain Stanley’s office per the captain’s request. He nervously picked at his cuticles knowing why Cap wanted to see him. He noticed the concerned look the captain gave Jesse when she told him what happened. The sound of the door closing caused him to cringe and confirmed his suspicions. Cap wanted to talk about Jesse. He watched as the lanky captain took a seat at his desk.

“Mike, I need you to be honest with me. Do you know what happened to Jesse’s arm? Last shift she left out of here really upset and you were the last one to talk to her.”

Mike ran a hand through his mousy brown hair. He inhaled deeply while reviewing the past couple days. He and Johnny rehearsed her excuse several times knowing that Cap would ask one if not both of them what happened.

_Technically, Cap, Johnny was the last to talk with her._

“Uh, yeah, she called Johnny at home and asked him to come over to look at a cut she’d gotten while working on her truck. I was there hanging out so I went with him.” He answered abruptly before biting the inside of his lip.

Captain Stanley studied his engineer behind knit eyebrows. He’d worked with Mike for six years and could tell when he was being less than honest. It is a very rare occurrence, his engineer covering. Biting a lip was his tell. He knew that Mike requested Jesse’s home address to check on her immediately after shift. Cap wondered why he is being dishonest.

_Pal, I know you were at Jesse’s after shift. It must be important that I not know for you to lie to me. If this damages the integrity of the crew then I will hold you responsible._

“Ok, then maybe you can tell me why I received a call from Dr. Burrows from HQ this morning at 7:30?”

Mike shook his head and frowned. Inside he was glad Jesse had the courage to call him yesterday and schedule an appointment, but he couldn’t let it show. “No, Sir I don’t know why he called you.”

Cap made note of him biting his lip again. “Stoker, are you sure there isn’t something I need to know? Your job as second in command is to bring to attention anything that poses a threat to the crew’s integrity that I may have missed.”

Mike’s lips tightened in a thin line knowing if Captain Stanley found out the truth he’d be in reprimanded and Jesse’s career would be ruined.

“No, Sir there is nothing.” Mike replied dryly.

E!

After helping Mike hang hose on the tower Jesse retreated to the dorm. She fell to the bed roughly and pulled a book from under the pillow. The day has been relatively slow, which in her opinion is the worst kind of shift. She didn’t enjoy people being in trouble, but rather a busy shift kept her mind busy as well. Keeping focused on the book became difficult as her mind wandered to yesterday.

Mike had taken her to the beach in an attempt to lighten her mood. He said spending so much time alone in a dark apartment wasn’t healthy. She didn’t have a swim suit so she settled for lounging in a chair and reading. She’d opted for extremely short shorts and a tight fitting tank top to work on a tan. After seeing his reaction she regretted choosing such revealing clothing.

A small smile formed on her tired face as she recalled watching Mike return from a swim dripping wet. Warmth flowed like warm honey through her. Closing her eyes she focused on the image. Water dripped from plastered hair and down his broad chest. Her eyes wandered lower. His shorts clung tightly to him revealing he is well equipped. She bit her lip trying to control the arousing feelings. Jesse’s breathing became slightly erratic as warmth spread across her face and down her body.

_Damn, I’d love to have that in my bed._

“Uh, Jesse, are you ok?”

She startled at the sudden sound of a voice nearby and looked up to see Mike standing in the doorway. Roughly throwing the book aside she answered, “Uh, y…y..yeah, Stoker, I’m f-f-fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You’re not getting sick, are you? Your face is flushed and you’re breathing kind of hard. The only other option would be you’re reading porn.”

She scoffed loudly and passed him a worn hardback book. “Yeah, Stoker, Sherlock Holmes is excellent porn. I just love how he solves cases gets me riled up every time.”

A small smile formed as he casually flipped through the book. “So, uh, Jess, how are you feeling? I know the past couple days have been uncomfortable for you.”

Jesse turned her eyes to the floor and crossed her arms across her chest. “Fine.”

He sighed loudly before sitting on the edge of the bunk. He studied the girl beside him wondering what she’s really thinking about. It’s obvious she is aroused by something.

“Jesse, please don’t lie. You are not fine. If you were you’d be in the day room with the rest of us instead of hiding in here. You know it’s your turn for kitchen duty today.”

Her body stiffened.

“Engineer Stoker, I am not hiding and I am well aware it’s my turn to cook! That fancy gizmo sitting on the counter is called a crockpot and dinner is in it. It cooks all day. Now I’d appreciate it if you’d stick to your job as a damn engineer and quit harassing me.”

Mike grabbed her face gently and turned it toward him. If she wanted to resort to using titles to get a point across then he’d play. Jesse clenched her jaw tightly and glared at the floor anticipating a physical attack.

_So it’s you that does the punishment around here._

“Firefighter Johnson, look at me.”

Jesse swallowed hard attempting to keep herself from trembling. Tears began to pool so she kept her gaze firmly planted on the bunk next to her. She can’t appear weak. Weakness always makes punishment worse.

“Firefighter Johnson, I said look at me!” he said firmly but gently.

She still refused to look at him instead she softly whispered, “Just hit me and get it over with.”

Mike quickly released her and scooted down the bunk. He sat in shock trying to understand why she thought he’d harm her. He glanced over to her. She trembled slightly with a shoulder raised for protection. Tears slowly ran down her flushed cheeks. Jesse quickly wiped them away.

_Hit you?!_

“Jesse…”

“Just get it over with.” She interrupted with her voice wavering.

Mike began to put the pieces together. The way she feared Captain Stanley, almost broke down at the mention of anyone in command at her old assignment and the way she’s acting toward him all pointed toward command abuse. He’d only heard of it during training to become a specialist and never imagined it was still happening. He tenderly wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to his chest. She could feel the rapidness of his heart against her cheek. The trembling increased and her breathing became more uneven. He gently ran his long fingers through her hair.

“Jesse, I would never hit you. First of all hitting a woman or anyone under my command is wrong, secondly that’s not how I or Captain Stanley handles things, and thirdly I…I…I like you.”

Her eyes grew wide and she held her breath. The last phrase rang loud and clear in her mind. ‘ _I like you.’_

_Surely I heard him wrong or misunderstood what he meant. There’s no way he likes me in that way._

Mike softly chuckled. “Uh, baby, you need to breathe.”

A small shudder ran up her spine as she took a ragged breath and pushed away. He scooted next to her on the narrow bunk.

“Now as I was saying, Jesse, I _am_ doing my job. Being a specialist is more than driving the rig and running the pumps. As second in command it’s my job to make sure the crew is intact and functioning well. Now I already lied for you and I’ll be honest I won’t do it again. You have to convince me, Johnny, and Captain Stanley you are getting better.”

The Klaxons sounded saving her from a response. As she was leaving the room Mike quickly grabbed her wrist.

“I’m serious, Jesse. I’m keeping an eye on you. If you don’t show signs of improvement I _will_ notify Cap.”

E!

Engine 51 rolled to a stop in front of a partially involved garage. Jesse quickly disembarked and pulled a supply line. After wrapping it around the hydrant she motioned for Mike to pull forward. After securing an adequate water supply she ran back to the engine prepared to take support position. Chet shook his head and handed her the nozzle.

“Nope, babe you handle the nozzle today. I don’t want you to pull those stitches by hauling hose. Don’t worry I’ve got your back.”

She gave him a small smile before ducking down and pulling the nozzle toward the growing fire. Just before the entry to the small garage Chet gave Mike the order to charge the line. Mike watched the pair work together to extinguish the flames. He was proud of Chet for taking the hardest end of the hose. He studied Jesse carefully. She seemed more relaxed and confident. It was when she was working that he is able to catch a small glimpse of the ‘real’ girl he is beginning to fall for.

“You know, Pal, I believe she is happiest when fighting fire.” Mike jumped slightly at the sound of Cap’s voice. He hoped Cap didn’t notice him staring at her.

He looked to his captain. “Yes, Sir, I believe so too.”

E!

Jesse studied the interior carefully as she applied the water. Garages often hold unseen dangers and she wanted to keep both her and her partner safe. Never again would she fail to protect a partner. Seeing the top of a silver propane bottle just to the left of the growing flames caused her eyes to grow wide. The fire began to lick the side of the tank hungrily leaving a narrow trail of black across it. Realizing that it is too late to stop the flames she quickly turned off the water and shoved Chet to the ground.

“What the he…” Chet started but the last part of his sentence was drowned out by the sound of an explosion rippling through the air.

Mike turned back to the fire just in time to see her cover Chet. Captain Stanley ran forward his heart racing. He mentally kicked himself for not seeing the danger before sending his crew in.

“LA, Engine 51 we have an explosion with two Code I’s. Send an ambulance to this location.”

Jesse covered her partner with her small frame as debris rained down around them. Pain radiated through her as several pieces of wood hit hard. She bit her lip hard in an effort to stop the pain. Chet lay ridged under her unsure of how to act. He tried hard to focus on something other than her on top of him. Thinking it was more debris raining down she didn’t move when a gentle hand tried to pull her up.

“Jesse, its ok you can get up now. It’s over.”

She looked up to see Captain Stanley kneeling beside her. Behind him stood Mike, worry and fear covered his face. Their eyes met briefly causing her to feel uncomfortable. Something about the way he looks at her stirs her emotions. Carefully she knelt beside Chet and looked him over.

“I’m fine, babe. Just get off, will ya?”

She felt embarrassed. Again she’d allowed her paramedic training to take over. Cap helped her stand causing her to cower. Chet made a hasty retreat back to the unmanned line.

“Are you ok?” Cap asked gently.

She nodded softly and kept her head lowered.

“Gage, help her to the squad and check her over. DeSoto assist Chet with the line.”

E!

Jesse allowed Johnny to help her to the squad where he gently eased her to the running board.

“You ok?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Is Kelly?”

Johnny took a quick glance to Roy and Chet. Chet was working hard to extinguish the flames showing no sign of injury.

“Yeah, he’s ok. Let’s get this jacket off and check both your bandage and your shoulder. That wood hit ya pretty hard.”

Jesse reluctantly allowed him to check her over. She kept her gaze fixed to the imperfections in the asphalt as he took her vitals. When he gently palpated the shoulder she pulled back and a hiss left tight lips.

“Sorry, Jesse, looks like you’re going to have a pretty good bruise.” He replied while picking up the radio.

“Rampart, this is squad 51.”

_“Rampart, go ahead 51.”_

“Jesse, you’re about twenty six right?”

A small blush formed on her face. People always thought she is older.

“No, twenty three.” She answered softly.

“Twenty three, really?!” Johnny shook his head and wondered if Mike knew how young she is.

“Uh, Rampart I have a code I, female, twenty three, hit by some debris from an explosion. Vitals are BP 116/70, pulse 110, respiration 18, eyes are equal and reactive. There doesn’t appear to be any trauma, just a bruise on the left shoulder.”

“ _51, transport non code R.”_

Jesse rolled her eyes. At home she’d never be transported for something so minor. “Gage, that’s not necessary. My vitals are stable there is no evidence of serious injury. It’s just a bruise.”

Johnny shook his head. Department protocol stated that any firefighter involved in an incident is required to get clearance from a physician before returning to duty.

“Jesse, it’s required per SOP. Plus you have a habit of downplaying injuries. If you decline transport and something comes up it’s on you.”

“Gage, really, I’m not lying. I swear. There’s no need to send me there.”

“Jesse, do I need to get Cap over here?! You’re going. If you’re fine then you’ll be back at the station in no time.” He replied firmly.

She hung her head in defeat. Captain Stanley has already written her up once for not following SOP. If she refused this time she feared he wouldn’t be so gracious.

“Fine, but I hate hospitals.”

E!

Jesse sat on the stark white gurney waiting for Dr. Early to return. She stared at the door in front of her in disbelief. She’d hoped that by moving things would change for the better, instead they’ve gotten worse. This is the third trip to Rampart in three months, the second for job related issues. She placed her head in her hands and sighed loudly.

_At this rate I’ll know every doctor and nurse in the ER. Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?!_

The hinges squeaked softly as Johnny pushed the door open. He looked around the edge of the door.

“Uh, Jess, is it ok if I come in?”

She looked up and nodded. “Whatever.”

He sat beside her on the exam table and glanced at her shoulder and back. Deep purple and blue lines marked where the wood hit. He cringed knowing how painful it can be.

“You ok?”

Jesse nodded. “Yeah, just a couple bruises I’ve lived through worse.”

“Jesse, sweetheart, I’m not talking about your bruises. Those will heal soon. How are _you_?”

She sat upright causing her eyes to meet with concern filled chocolate ones. She quickly averted her gaze.

“Fine, Gage. I’m fine. Please stop worrying about me.”

He bit his lip before replying. “Jesse, whether you like it or not you’re part of my family and I will always worry about you.”

Her shoulders sagged with an unseen weight. “Gage, I don’t know who’s worse you or Stoker. Please I’m begging you don’t say stuff like that.”

She paused swallowing hard to keep the tears from showing.

“I’m not worth it.” She added softly.

Johnny closed his eyes trying to quell his own tears. Her statement hurt him deeply. He believed this isn’t her talking but the depression and grief that holds her captive. He slid off the table causing the thin paper to tear. Pausing at the door he turned back to her.

“Jesse, yes you are.”

E!

Mike stood in the door way watching Jesse pack a small black backpack with items from the locker. He still didn’t understand why she takes everything home just to bring it all back next shift. He took a seat on the bench next to her.

“So, you’re going to see Dr. Burrows today?”

Jesse shook her head before quietly answering, “No that’s tomorrow.”

Leaning forward he debated on asking her to spend the day with him. He didn’t want to come across as aggressive, but he also didn’t want to leave her alone. Johnny filled him in on what happened in the ER. Jesse isn’t getting better and needs a friend now more than ever. Biting the inside of his lip nervously Mike summoned the courage to ask her. He looked up to see her heading for the door.

“Hey, um, Jesse, wait. Uh,um, how about you and I take the buggy out.” He fumbled.

Her heart pounded as she turned to face him. Looking over the black backpack she swallowed hard. Deep inside she wanted to be with him and is excited he asked, but another part warned of the dangers of getting too close. She shifted her feet while arguing with herself.

_Can I really allow myself to get close to someone again? What if I lose him too?_

Mike watched her carefully. Her body language suggests she’s in conflict. She bites at her already short nails and continues staring at some imaginary spot on the floor.

_Come on Baby, I know you really want to. Reach out and take my hand, please._

Jesse inhaled deeply and closed her eyes. “Yeah, we can do that. First I need to go home and change.”

He gave her a warm smile hoping she was beginning to open up. “Sure, how about I swing by your place around ten?”

Jesse nodded before pushing the door open.

E!

Mike stood at his locker excited. Jesse actually agreed to do something with him without being forced. A large smile formed on his face as he changed clothes.

Johnny entered the locker room and pulled open a locker. He glanced to Mike and saw his friend in a good mood.

“So, Mike, whatcha so happy about?” he inquired while running a finger under his nose.

“Nuthin much. I’m taking Jesse out in the buggy…”

Johnny ran a hand through his shaggy hair. What he’d feared was coming true. Mike was getting too close to Jess.

“Uh, Mike, about that. I,uh, don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be taking Jesse out.”

Mike looked to his friend in confusion while pulling out a shirt. “Why not? She needs to spend time with people, not locked away in her apartment. You know as well as I isolation fuels depression. You didn’t have a problem yesterday.”

Johnny sighed loudly and leaned sideways against the locker. Apparently Mike didn’t see the harm in hanging out with Jesse or if he did he chose to ignore it.

“Mike, if you do this it won’t look good. Don’t you remember the no dating order Cap gave on her first day? If you get caught with her dating is exactly what it looks like.”

Mike turned around quickly irritated that Johnny would insinuate he’d break a rule. Yeah he liked her, but didn’t want to put his job at risk. Not yet anyway. He finished buttoning his shirt roughly.

“Gage, I’m taking her out as a friend. I have no intention of dating her. You should know me better than that!”

Johnny scratched his chest debating on pushing the issue. Normally Mike is a by the book guy, but something about Jesse caused him to throw reason out the window.

“Ok, if you have no intention of dating her then explain to me why you let her curl up against you the other day. I noticed how much you enjoyed it.”

“She was drunk and had no idea what she was doing! What was I supposed to do, shove her off of me?! Johnny, I guarantee you that is the most relaxed she’s been in a long time. Now mind your own damn business!” Mike stated angrily as he slammed the locker’s door.

Johnny held up his hands defensively as his face softened. “Look Mike, I just don’t want you to lose your job over a girl, ok? Yeah Jesse is attractive. If she weren’t part of the department then I’d be all for you hooking up. Honestly you’d make a cute couple, but man I’m begging you to not go there.”

Mike stood toe to toe with his friend, anger raising more and more by the second. “I’m _not_ going there. Jesse is my friend and coworker _nothing_ more. So drop it Gage!”

Mike didn’t wait for a reply. He needed to get home and check out the buggy and change into something more comfortable. Fuming he stormed out of the locker room leaving the door swinging wildly on its hinges.

Johnny stood alone in the room hoping, no praying, Mike was telling the truth about Jess only being a friend. However a small voice inside sang ‘Mike just lied.’

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

CH. 11

Mike pulled in a parking place next to Jesse’s truck. He tried hard to contain the excitement that coursed through him like a raging river. A slight bounce could be seen in his step as he crossed the littered parking lot. After quickly making his way up the rusty stairs he tried to wipe the grin from his face. He didn’t want to seem too eager. Standing in front of the door to apartment 36B he took a deep breath to quell the butterflies in his stomach.

E!

Jesse paced in the dark bedroom. Fear set in the deepest recesses of her mind. Part of her is thrilled he asked her to spend time with him again; however another part warned of the dangers of getting close to her coworkers especially one she found attractive. She bit her nails frantically and her pace quickened. Mike would be here any minute and she is nowhere near being ready. She stared at the tank top and cutoff shorts lying on the disheveled bed. The shorts were not as short as the ones she wore last time, but short enough that a good tan was still possible. She didn’t want to cause him any further discomfort.

“I can’t do it.” She said to the air. “I just can’t.”

A loud knock rang through the small apartment causing her heart to race. She swallowed hard as she tried to figure out a way out. Slowly she made her way to the door. Another knock brought her out of the trance. She stood at the door with fear coursing through her. She knew he’d be disappointed that she changed her mind, but its better this way. Biting her lip she placed a shaking hand on the knob and opened the door.

Mike’s smile faded. Jesse is still in uniform.

_Don’t tell me you’re not going. Please don’t._

Keeping her eyes glued to the concrete just outside the door she softly said, “I’m sorry I can’t go.”

His heart sank. He couldn’t understand why she keeps choosing isolation. In the locker room she seemed happy he’d asked. Wondering what caused the change of heart he hung his head and took a deep breath.

“Can I ask why?”

_I’m very attracted to you and don’t trust myself with you._

She shook her head. “I just can’t. I don’t want or expect you to understand. Michael, please just stop trying to help me. I promise I’m not going to do anything. I will see you next shift, ok?” she replied while closing the door.

Hearing her words caused panic to set in. His heart raced as he placed a firm hand against the door preventing it from closing.

“Jesse, please, please don’t shut me out. Let’s talk about this.”

She sighed loudly and her shoulders sagged. It’s evident he’s not going to just leave. Opening the door wider she invited him in. He slowly entered the darkened apartment. Closing the door caused the darkness to grow. Dim light filtered through the drawn curtains casting an eerie glow across the threadbare carpet. Seeing his discomfort she turned on the lamp in the living room. It did little to ease the depressing feeling the room held.

“Sorry, the overhead light quit the other day and yes I tried changing the bulb.”

Mike couldn’t understand why she persisted in keeping the apartment dark so he went to open the curtains. He firmly grabbed the edge of the curtains and pulled. The track holding them squeaked loudly. The sudden bright light caused him to squint.

“I wouldn’t do that. Every hippie in the neighborhood will be staring in especially since you’re here. Bobby especially is interested in you coming by. He seems to think we’re sleeping together. I tried keeping the window open when I first moved in and they packed like vultures to watch me.”

_Sleeping together, huh? This is only the second time I’ve been over. Bobby must be one of those who believe in free love._

He pulled them closed. “Sorry, I didn’t know they did that. I can kind of understand though, you’re beautiful.”

She turned away embarrassed and headed for the couch. Nobody except her mother has ever said she is beautiful. It feels weird coming from a coworker. The sofa groaned as she fell roughly on it. Biting her already short nails she processed what he’d just said.

_How can anyone see anything beautiful about me, a quiet, severely depressed, and scared girl who looks boyish?_

Mike approached the sofa cautiously unsure of how she’d react. He sat on the edge waiting for her to respond. He watched her nervously bite her bottom lip before continuing to chew on her nails.

“I think it’s best if you leave. I can’t do this. I….I…can’t…” she stopped.

He scooted closer to her. Remembering her discomfort with physical contact he resisted the temptation to take her in his arms.

“You can’t what, baby? Please talk to me. What is going on?”

Feeling his closeness scared her so she quickly left the couch and retreated for the safety of the kitchen. Maybe by placing a counter between them she could prevent him from touching her. She’d been in this position before. At first Davis disguised his advances with kindness and when she filed a complaint he made her life miserable. Hoover defended her best he could but failed. Davis was bound and determined to ruin her. Be damned if she was going to let it happen again.

_Why does he persist in torturing me?_

“Look I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but I want you to stop. Just because you’re in command at the station doesn’t mean you can harass me like that. I’m not that kind of girl. I won’t do you _favors_ to stay in your good graces!”

Mike’s eyes grew wide in disbelief. She revealed more of what happened to her at her previous assignment. He leaned heavily on the counter taking in what she just told him.

_Favors?! God what the hell was going on in that station?_

“Jesse, baby, I’m not like that! I’m not playing games with you. I said you’re beautiful and asked you to spend time with me because I like you and want to take you out sometime, you know a date. God, baby, I’d never make you do anything like that for me. I don’t know what the hell happened at that station, but I can assure you it won’t happen here! I respect you both as a woman and a firefighter. Please, Jesse, tell me what happened to you.”

She swallowed hard debating on the validity of his statement. She didn’t trust anyone in command they’d given her no reason to. She slowly turned to face him.

“You’re really not playing with me?” she inquired suspiciously.

He carefully moved beside her and gently placed an arm around her shoulder. She pulled back and a pain filled yelp filled the apartment. He cringed. He’d forgotten she was injured yesterday.

“Jess, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you! I forgot about the bruises.”

She recoiled from him and placed some distance between them by scooting down the counter. She didn’t fully believe him. Seeing the fear in her eyes Mike kept his distance from her.

“No baby, I’m not playing with you. I honestly like you. You’re beautiful, smart, and incredibly brave. Is that why you changed your mind about going with me today? You’re afraid I’d try to take advantage of you?”

Jesse nodded softly keeping her gaze fixed to the floor. Recalling the genuine look of concern after the accident she felt guilty about accusing him of ulterior motives. He’s nothing like her former engineer.

“Jesse, please look at me.” He replied softly while moving closer to her.

She carefully raised her face to meet his and allowed herself to look at him. His face softened and a small smile formed. He gently ran a thumb across her cheek bone. At first she pulled back, but he didn’t remove his hand. She closed her eyes and her breathing became erratic as he tenderly caressed her cheek. Though his fingers are calloused the softness of his touch surprised her. Feeling his warm breath against her neck caused her to hold her breath. Fear set in.

_Oh, God he’s breaking his word!_

“I will never do anything you don’t want to do. I understand if you don’t trust me, but give me a chance to earn it.” He whispered near her ear.

Mike slowly pulled back and watched her. Her eyes remained closed while she attempted to keep her breathing regulated. Jesse’s heart pounded hard against her sternum. His actions were beginning to scare her.

“Please leave.” She whispered.

A look of hurt filled his face. Jesse refused to trust him.

“Ok, baby, if that’s what you want. Then I will go home.”

He turned to leave. He stopped at the end of the counter and wrote on the pad of paper that lay there. He looked back to Jesse. Seeing her quietly cry caused a deep sadness to fall upon him. She is falling farther away and every attempt he’s made has been rejected.

“Jesse, I wrote my number on here. If you need anything, anything at all call me. I don’t care if it’s at two in the morning. If you need me call, ok?”

She refused to answer him. Mike sadly shook his head and walked out the door. Jesse collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing. Her head rested heavily on the warped cabinet door while her body shook uncontrollably. She stayed and wept on the floor in shame till exhaustion overcame her.

E!

Mike roughly threw the keys to the buggy on the granite countertop. Part of him is angry over his failed attempts to save her from herself the other part ached with sadness over her rejection. He tried to rationalize her actions toward him. Jesse has been hurt in more ways than one. First losing her partner and friend, being beaten by the man whose job is to keep the crew safe and functioning, and now she’s revealed that she was harassed by the engineer at her former station.

_All that would make any person lose it, but Jesse I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t take advantage of women, Captain Stanley treats the crew with respect, and we all want to help you. Why can’t you see that?_

Giving a long sigh he pulled a few beers from the refrigerator and returned to the living room. After turning on the TV he fell roughly to the recliner. As he twisted the top off his German shepherd looked happily toward him and wagged his tail. Seeing his master’s downcast face he stopped and laid his head on Mike’s lap.

“Hey Xavier, it looks like Jesse won’t be over today.”

The dog whimpered sadly. Mike noticed Xavier loved Jesse, which is rare. The stocky dog was normally leery of new people but accepted Jesse like she’d always been in his life. Mike took it as a sign that maybe he and Jesse were meant to be together, but now he's not so sure. He took a long swig from the bottle while flipping through the channels.

_Seeing as I now have nothing to do I might as well watch the Dodger’s._

E!

Jesse woke stiff as a board. A fuzzy haze clouded her vision. Her attempts to focus soon revealed she was on the kitchen floor still in uniform. Shifting caused intense pain to run from her neck and across her back. Slowly she rose to her feet wincing in pain. A quick glance to the clock on the counter revealed she’s been asleep for two hours. Slowly she made her way to the shower.

Standing under the hot water again the tears poured forth. She was ashamed she treated Mike in that manner. He was only trying to help. He was the only friend she had and now because of her actions he’s gone. She carefully shaved her legs and stared at the long narrow blade in her hand. Giving a long sad sigh she placed the blade against the tender skin of her abdomen. As she bit her lip she guided the sharp metal into the skin and slowly pulled it back. A rush of pain caused her eyes to widen and a moan of pleasure filled the small dimly lit bathroom. Placing one hand against the wet tile she leaned heavily against it and enjoyed the rush of endorphins.

“Fuck, that feels good.”

She looked down and watched the blood mix with the water and swirl down the drain. A rush of excitement filled her and a small voice inside encouraged her to do it again. Clenching her jaw she fought hard to silence the taunting voice.

Slamming her fist hard into the wall she screamed out, “NO, NO MORE! FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T CONTROL ME! You don’t control me!”

After bandaging herself Jesse buried herself in the covers and slept. Around nine that night she got up, dressed, and headed to the bar.

E!

Johnny sat at a side table in McMillan’s trying to enjoy the baseball game playing on the TV above the bar. He was bummed that Julie turned him down again. As he took a long swig of beer his eyes grew wide. A girl just walked in the bar with her head down and slid into a side booth away from the main groups, but close to him. She glanced up and motioned for the waitress to come over.

_Jesse?! I thought you and Mike were beaching it today!_

Not wanting to be seen he ducked down and watched her. Jesse picked nervously at her nails and kept her head lowered. She wasn’t dressed to attract anyone, just a faded t-shirt and equally worn jeans. If someone were to just glance at her they would say she’s a guy. The waitress set down three shot glasses and a tall glass filled with an extremely dark liquid. Johnny shook his head.

_Damn, Jesse hitting it pretty hard tonight. What happened between you and Mike?_

He watched as she quickly downed the three shots and shook her head. Apparently she ordered something stronger than usual. She sat still for a few moments before picking at the peanuts, the tall glass ignored at the table. Jesse waited for the waitress to come by again.

“Two more shots of Jose, Katie.” Her voice carried.

The waitress leaned on the table worry filling her face. “Jesse, are you sure? If ya drink that you won’t be able to drive, honey.”

Jesse shrugged. “Yeah, Katie, I didn’t drive tonight so I will be fine. I’ll call a cab or something. I don’t work tomorrow. Oh, and go ahead and bring another Guinness. It will save you a trip.”

Katie sighed loudly. “Ok, honey you know your limit, but if ya get too drunk Scotty will kick ya out. You know he keeps tabs on you firefighters.”

“Yeah, I know.”

E!

Johnny shook his head again as Jesse threw back the two shots. She appeared to be on a self-destructive kick. He decided to go over and sit with her. Maybe if he’s with her she won’t drink herself to oblivion, not that Scotty would let her. Scotty keeps a special eye on first responders, making sure they aren’t there attempting to self-medicate. Johnny has seen him several times limit a responder’s intake and call supervisors if necessary. He picked up his mug and slipped off the stool. Johnny took two steps before noticing a man approach her table. Johnny ducked into the booth behind hers.

“Hey, baby. You want some company.” Came a thick burly voice.

“Nope, I’d rather be alone thanks.”

“Come on, sweetheart let me show you what a real man can do.”

“Look, I told you I don’t want company, ok? I’m just here to enjoy a few drinks. Now please leave me alone.” Jesse said firmly.

“Come on, baby, I promise to show you a real good time.”

“I said no. Now leave me alone!” Jesse said raising her voice slightly.

Johnny glanced in the mirror hanging a few feet above the booths. He watched as the man grabbed Jesse’s arm and attempted to pull her from the booth. Johnny took a quick glance to the bar and saw Scotty rounding it fury covering his face. Scotty didn’t tolerate men harassing his female customers. Johnny held up his hand signaling he’d take care of it. Scotty nodded and stood a few feet from Jesse’s booth.

Johnny rounded the booth and gently placed his hand on Jesse’s shoulder.

“Hey, look, buddy the lady said no.” he said holding up his free hand.

The man stood taller and pulled his belt up.

“This is none of your business, stickman.”

John laughed under his breath and ran a single finger under his nose.

“Uh, actually it is. You see, you’re harassing my sister. Now I’m not going to ask again for you to leave her alone.”

Jesse glared at him from the corner of her eye. She didn’t need him to ‘save’ her. She is quite capable of handling harassment. Her head jerked up when she saw movement in front of her. Scotty approached angrily and stood next to Johnny.

“Russell, I told you before to stop harassing the girls here. Get out of here before I call the cops.”

Russell roughly ran his shoulder against Johnny’s before heading toward the door. He looked down to Jesse.

“Baby, if you decide you want a real man. I’ll be at the bar down the road.”

“Hey Russell, you’re not welcome here anymore.” Scotty called after him.

E!

Johnny slid into the booth across from her. She pushed the glass around on the table. Johnny reminded her so much of Brandon. Both were always bailing her out of something. She didn’t go looking for trouble. It just found her.

“Thanks, Gage, for you know.”

He smiled as he leaned forward.

“No problem Jess. That’s what brothers are for.”

A lump formed in her throat. She swallowed hard trying to remove it. Brandon was always bailing her out of something and now Gage seems to have stepped into that role.

“Gage, do me a favor and don’t use that word around me.”

He sat quietly in the neon glow watching her finish off her second pint. He mentally kicked himself for using ‘brother’ so flippantly. He took a long swig of his own beverage finishing it off. Katie walked by and shot Jesse a curious look.

“Jess, I didn’t know you knew Johnny.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, we work together. Hey Katie, bring me another Guinness and whatever he’s having.”

Johnny shook his head. “Katie, I’m done. I’ve gotta drive home.”

He waited for Katie to return to the bar before leaning closer to Jesse.

“Hey, uh, Jess don’t ya think you’ve had enough too. I mean five shots of tequila and two pints of beer is an awful lot. How about I drive you home?”

She shook her head slowly. A small fog began to settle over her as the alcohol began to take effect. She knew her limit and wasn’t close to reaching it.

“Gage, I’m only buzzed. It takes a lot to get my sorry ass drunk. Ask anyone at my old station; they will tell ya. I can drink each and every one of them under the table and no you’re not taking me home. I will get home the same way I got here, walk.” She replied clearly.

Katie returned with another pint. “Here ya go, hon, but Scotty said this is it. After this you go home, understood? Johnny, can I talk to you for a moment?”

Johnny nodded and followed Katie to the bar. Scotty stood waiting for them. He set down the white rag and looked to Johnny with concerned eyes.

“John, do me a favor. Take that girl back to her home, ok. She doesn’t need to walk back there; it’s too unsafe. She drinks way too much too often. Johnny if she keeps this up I will have to call Hank and let him know. Please discourage her from coming in so often. I understand that sometimes you guys need a beer or two to relax, but Johnny she takes it too far.”

Johnny nodded. If Scotty said she’s here too much then there’s a problem. He glanced over to the girl sitting alone in the booth and watched her down half the pint. “Yeah, Scotty I’ll talk to her. Please don’t call Cap just yet.”

“Ok, John, I trust your judgment. If I see her in here again I’m calling.” Scotty answered picking up the damp bar towel.

Johnny nodded as he slapped a hand on the counter. Jesse wasn’t the first friend to drown their problems in alcohol.

Jesse finished off the last of the beer as Johnny returned to the table. He pulled out his keys causing her to glare at him. She rose and proceeded toward the door. Johnny jogged to catch up to her.

“Uh, uh Jesse, I’m driving you home. I’m not taking no for an answer. Scotty said if I don’t drive you then he’s calling Cap.”

Jesse rolled her eyes and pulled her arm free. The last thing she needed was for Captain Stanley to know about her drinking. She roughly shoved him away eliciting a hurtful look from Johnny.

“Fine, Gage, you fucking win.” She snarled following him across the darkened parking lot.

Johnny’s patience wore out. He turned quickly around and placed his hands firmly on her shoulders. Anger could be seen in his normally calm face.

“You don’t get it, Jesse. You’re really close to losing your job. Did you know that?! Scotty said if you showed up here again after next shift he’s calling Cap and letting him know about your alcohol problem. I am so tempted to tell Cap myself about what really happened to your arm and the fact you spend so much time here drowning your problems in tequila and Guinness. Jesse, you promised you’d make an effort to get better, but you’re not. Sweetheart, you’re not trying at all. If anything you are worse than before. I can’t stand seeing you like this! Sweetheart you’re an amazing person and I don’t want to lose you to this self-destruction. You’re not honoring the sacrifice your brother made to save you. Jesse, I guarantee you he’s looking down right now saddened by what you’re doing to yourself. I’m at the end of my rope, Jesse. I don’t know what else to do to help you, but to involve Captain Stanley.”

He hung his head as his hands fell off her narrow shoulders. Jesse looked up at him confused.

“How did you know that Brandon was my brother?” she asked softly tears filling her eyes.

Johnny’s face softened. He needed to be honest. “When I stayed over the other night I accidently found a photo album. It fell out when I was getting a blanket out of the closet and yes I sat down and looked at it. Jesse, I’m sorry I invaded your privacy. I’m sorry you witnessed your brother’s death. I’m sorry you’re struggling to come to terms with it.”

Jesse looked away. Surprisingly she wasn’t angry he looked through the album. It felt freeing that someone knew about Brandon’s relationship to her.

“It’s ok, Gage. Please don’t say anything about Brandon being by brother. I don’t need everyone knowing I killed my own brother. Just take my worthless, sorry ass home. I promise I won’t come back here for a long time.”

Johnny leaned down attempting to see her face. “Jesse, please stop beating yourself up. You’re not a ‘worthless, sorry ass’. You have value. You’re a beautiful girl who’s hit a rough spot in life.”

E!

The next morning Mike couldn’t shake the bad feeling that started last night. Something was wrong. Slowly he pulled a small piece of paper out of his wallet.

_Jesse_

_42361 Avalon #36B_

_549-2678_

Conflict began to rise. Jesse made it clear she wanted him to leave and didn’t want his help, but he couldn’t leave a team member to their own devices. Slowly he picked up the phone and dialed the number. After several rings a groggy voice answered.

_“H-h-hello?”_

“Jesse, its Mike, are you ok?”

_“Yeah, S-stoker just s’peachy.”_ Jesse slurred on the other end.

Mike hung his head. Jesse got drunk last night. He could tell by her voice. She didn’t need to be alone, not in her current mental and physical condition.

“Jesse, I’m on my way over.”

_“No s’need to. I’m okey dokey hunky dory. I don’t s’want or needs your help. All I s’need is a hot shower and an equally s’hot cup of firefighter fuel.”_

“Firefighter fuel?” He inquired while holding the bridge of his nose.

_“Duh, Ssstokerrr, coffee. Its s’what keeps firefighters a’goin’. That’s what one of my instructers called it.”_ she replied her words slow and sluggish _._

Mike rolled his eyes and pretended to slam the phone against the counter.

_She’s still drunk. Damn, how much did she have last night?_

“Jesse, I’m still coming over. You need to sober up. That involves eating something.”

_“S’whatevers. I’m s’going backs to sleeps.”_

E!

Mike stood outside the familiar green door. He’d knocked twice already with no answer.

“Hey, man, it’s the badge dude! Things must be serious between you and Jesse ‘cause you’re over here like all the time, man. Either that or she likes what you do for her in bed.”

Mike rolled his eyes in disbelief and knocked on the door again.

“Look, Bobby, just because I come over a lot doesn’t mean I’m having sex with her, ok? She’s just a friend.”

Bobby slowly nodded and picked at his nails.

“You like her, man. I can tell. You have that look in your eyes when you come over. Uh, I doubt Jess will be up for a while, man; she got plastered last night. I know because there were a lot of things hitting the wall. That only happens when she’s had too much or she’s hit something harder than that dark beer she drinks. I’m glad she’s found a friend. She needs one.”

Mike cringed. “Bobby, do you think she’s on drugs?”

Bobby waved his hand. “No man, Jesse’s not the type to do that, not even weed. She likes tequila, a little scotch and that dark beer. If you must see her now try the door, sometimes it doesn’t lock right.”

Mike stared in disbelief at the middle aged man. Bobby understood the look and waved his hand.

“It’s not like that, man. That used to be my apartment, but I needed a two bedroom so I moved next door. I ask the super every time I see him to fix it to keep Jesse safe, but he doesn’t listen. So I check the door often to make sure it locked and nothing more, man. I’ve never entered her apartment. I haven’t checked it today.”

Bobby walked away and pulled a joint from behind his ear. Mike sighed loudly. Even the strung out hippie noticed Jesse needs help. He decided to knock once more before entering her apartment. After receiving no answer he reluctantly tried the knob.

At first it seemed to be locked, but after a firm turn the knob slid to the right allowing the door to open. He shook his head while picking up the two sacks of groceries.

_I will fix this when we get back from Dr. Burrows._

Mike cautiously entered her apartment. “Jesse? Jess, it’s Mike. Are you home?”

As he walked around the darkened living room he tripped something lying in the floor. He stumbled around unknown objects as he made his way to the kitchen. He carefully placed the sacks on the counter.

“Jesse, baby, are you home?” He asked as he flipped on the light.

He looked around the room. The boxes that she kept neatly against the wall were strewn wildly across the living room their contents spilling everywhere. A photo album and its contents lay scattered on the floor in the kitchen. His eyes quickly went to the half empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table.

“Why Jesse, why didn’t you call me?” he said aloud.

E!

He stood outside the bedroom door remembering what she’d said about sleeping the last time he was here. He rested heavily against the door.

_‘I just want to strip down….’_

He swallowed hard debating on entering. Jesse has a right to privacy in her own home, but he couldn’t shake the bad feeling. Something is wrong. He bit his lip and opened the door praying she is dressed. He cautiously peeked around the door. Cold air hit him squarely in the face.

_Damn, she keeps it cold in here. No wonder she likes to bury under the covers._

He slowly approached the prone figure lying on the bed. Placing a knee on the mattress beside her he leaned in and gently shook her shoulder glad she at least had a shirt on.

“Jesse? Jesse, its Mike, are you ok?”

She moaned slightly before rolling to her side away from him. He shook her harder.

“Jesse, it’s time to get up!”

She pulled into a fetal position and moaned louder.

“Go ‘way Brandon. Don’t have shift today.” She slurred.

Mike shook her harder. “Jesse Johnson, its Mike Stoker! Yeah you don’t have work today, but you do have a doctor appointment! So get your ass out of bed now!”

She rolled over facing him. She tried hard to focus on the shape standing over her. Her vision was cloudy and her head fuzzy. Her heart raced frantically. She breathed in raggedly.

_Oh, God someone is in my room! I know I didn’t bring anyone home! Got to get out, get out and call for help!_

She screamed loudly and punched the blurry figure standing over her. She didn’t know exactly where her fist made contact but the loud groan gave confirmation she’d hit somewhere important. Jesse frantically tried to leave the room, but her vision dipped and swayed wildly. Reaching out with her hands she bounced from wall to wall down the hall. Halfway down the hall she crashed to the floor hitting her head against the door knob of the bathroom. Ignoring the searing pain she struggled to free her feet from the sheets that wrapped tightly around the ankles. She had to get away.

Mike staggered down the hall. Jesse had decked him in the face. He dabbed at his nose with a hand. Looking down he gave a small chuckle at the narrow line of deep red. Jesse is surprisingly strong for a girl her size.

_Teach me to enter her apartment uninvited._

“Jesse, baby, its ok. It’s Mike. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Jesse squinted trying to make her eyes focus on the tall man coming down the hall. He looked vaguely familiar, but the blurry vision made it difficult to see. She backed away quickly her hands sliding against the tile.

_If its Stoker what the hell is he doing in my apartment?!_

Mike shook his head sadly. In her drunken state she couldn’t tell who he is. A narrow line of bright red made its way down the left side of her face. He knelt beside her and gently placed a hand on her shoulder causing her to cower against the wall.

“Please don’t hurt me, take whatever you want and leave.” She whispered.

“Jesse, calm down, baby, it’s just me.”

Squeezing her eyes shut she tried hard to focus on the familiarity of the voice. The fog slowly began to lift as her head began to pound. A familiar and comforting scent surrounded her. She opened her eyes and looked at the man next to her. Mike’s worried eyes met hers. Her heart skipped a beat.

“Stoker?! What are you doing here? More importantly how did you get in?” she asked confused.

Mike rose and headed to the bathroom. After pulling some gauze from the medicine cabinet he sat beside her in the dark hallway. His long legs caused his feet to rest flat against the opposite wall with his knees bent. He turned her face to him and tenderly dabbed the cut on her forehead.

“Jesse, I called and let you know I’d be over. You don’t remember? I said I was coming over to sober you up, because you have an appointment with Dr. Burrows this afternoon at two. As for how I got in, your door doesn’t lock properly. All I had to do was turn it really hard and it opened. Bobby said he’s asked the super numerous times to fix it. Don’t worry I will fix it for you; I want my girl to be safe. I guess while I’m at it I will fix your overhead light too.”

Jesse stared at him in confusion. Surely she’d misheard him. There was no way he’d just referred to her as ‘my girl’. A faint blush rose up her cheeks.

“Stoker, did you just call me your girl?”

He half smiled not realizing he’d allowed his thoughts to be verbalized. It was something he wanted, not fact. He hoped she didn’t think he’s aggressive.

“Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry, though I’d like for you to be.”

She turned away. “Michael, I’m messed up beyond measure. I lie and cover things up. I drink way too much too often. I’m not pretty. If anything I’m boyish. You deserve better.”

He gently placed his hand on her cheek and turned it toward him.

“Ok, so you’re not perfect, but underneath all this,” he motioned to her disheveled state, “is a beautiful, fun loving girl and I’d love to meet her. Now get up and take a long hot shower while I cook some breakfast. Yes I will make firefighter fuel.”

She laughed lightly. Her instructor at the academy gave that name to strong coffee that would peel paint off the walls. He’d told the recruits about it knowing that over half of them hung out at McGill’s down the road on their off time.

“How’d you know about firefighter fuel?”

He smiled as he stood. Offering his hand he replied, “You told me over the phone. You said and I quote all I need is a hot shower and some firefighter fuel. Now I assume that it’s really stout coffee the kind that pulls almost anyone out of a hangover. Yeah, I know how to make it that strong. How do you think I survived college and the academy?”

Jesse allowed him to pull her up and leaned back against the wall. Mike bit his lip in conflict. He wanted to hold her so badly, let her know he meant everything he said. He cautiously stood in front of her and placed his forehead against hers. Without thinking she placed her hands on his hips and stood quietly for a few moments thinking about his confession. She really liked him. He is grounding and when he’s with her she feels at peace.

“You really want to date me?”

“Yeah, Jesse, I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter. I have two different versions of it and opted for this one. I hope you enjoyed it. I promise its fixing to get real hot soon. ;)


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12

“Hello, Jesse please come in.” Dr. Burrows stated as he held out his hand.

She shot Mike a fearful glance before taking the middle aged doctor’s hand and shaking it firmly. She hated doctors; they always poked around where they didn’t belong.

“It’s ok. I’ll be back in an hour to take you home. Remember what we talked about.” Mike said calmly.

Jess reluctantly entered the small office recalling the conversation she and Mike had over breakfast. He told her to be honest and open with the doctor. She hated to hear that. If she is honest there’s a chance she will be relieved of duty. She took a quick look around to check the validity of the doctor. Several diplomas hung in small frames along the back wall. Large bookshelves held more books than she’d seen in her life. Along one wall was an antique oak desk and near the center sat a small sofa and two chairs. The room was painted in a neutral white color. She rolled her eyes.

_Typical shrink office._

Dr. Burrows studied her intently. The young fireman in front of him was obviously nervous carrying an aura of self-consciousness. The way she handled herself hinted at a lack of self-confidence and tepidness which was opposite from what Captain Stanley told him. Stanley told him that she was aggressively confident in her abilities as a fireman. There was little she wouldn’t take on.

_She’s probably like that only around the guys, feeling she has to prove herself to earn their respect._

“Jesse, it is ok if I call you Jesse?”

A slow nod was his only response. Staring at the floor she entered the rest of the way into the office and closed the door. Burrows noticed her reluctance. His eyes softened.

“Jesse, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve seen numerous firefighters from all stages of life. Here there is no judgment. I want you to be comfortable. Please take any seat you like.”

She opted for the far end of the sofa. Sitting on the edge she placed her elbows on her knees and continued to stare at the floor with a leg bouncing nervously. Dr. Burrows sat in the high backed plaid chair across from her with a bright yellow note pad.

“I’ll get the ball rolling. I’m Dr. Ted Burrows. I graduated from UCLA in sixty-five and have been with the fire department for ten years. My specialty is helping firefighters through conflict, whether it is job related stress, coping with the loss of a brother in the line of duty, or personal difficulties. My goal is to help you heal so you can effectively perform your dutys. Now will you tell me a little about yourself?”

She shrugged nonchalantly wanting to bolt. “Not much to tell. I graduated in seventy-two from Brayton Fire Academy, been in the fire service ever since. I’ve been trained as a rescue man and a paramedic.”

He wasn’t shocked by her short answer. Her body language hinted she didn’t want to be here. Sometimes clients needed a little help.

“Brayton, that’s one of the best academies in Texas isn’t it?”

Once again all he received was a nod.

“May I ask why you left Texas and moved to Carson?”

“Needed a change.” came a soft reply.

He leaned forward. “You said you’ve had both rescue and paramedic training. May I ask why you requested a lineman’s position? I understand there is not a paramedic opening now, but you’re not on the waiting list.”

She sat up quickly and turned her face away so he couldn’t see the tears that began to pool. Dr. Burrows face held an empathetic look.

_Something happened that caused you to demote yourself. What is it?_

“Doc, I just don’t want to be that anymore. Please let’s not go there today.” She responded quietly.

He made a quick note on the pad before continuing.

“I’m sorry, Jesse. I didn’t know that is a touchy subject for you. We will discuss that when you are ready. Let’s change gears and head in a different direction, ok? How’d the guys handle having a female firefighter at your last assignment?”

As a hole in her jeans was picked she softly replied. “Fine, they thought it was funny to walk in on me while changing or showering. I had itching powder placed in my bed and uniforms more times than I care to count. Then there were the sexual remarks and advances made by the station’s engineer.”

Dr. Burrows shifted on the chair as he jotted down a few notes. “How about at 51, has there been anything like that there?”

Jesse gave a long sigh. “No, the guys there are great. Kelly plays harmless pranks, stuff like color changing shave cream, short sheeting the bed, and taping cupcakes in helmets. He does that to everyone, except Captain of course.”

He made a few notations again. She watched him suspiciously out of the corner of her eye not trusting him.

“So, they’ve accepted you as, forgive the expression, a brother. What about the engineer at 51? How does he treat you?”

Jesse sat quietly thinking about Stoker. He’s been nothing, but kind and respectful. Other than wanting to date her, he hasn’t made any move.

“Michael’s ok. He hasn’t mistreated me in anyway.”

“I’m glad to hear that. How about your personal life do you have a boyfriend?”

She sat quietly picking at the growing hole in the jeans.

_Does Stoker classify as my boyfriend? I mean all he did was express his desire to date me. No that doesn’t classify as a boyfriend._

“Nah, guys are turned off by my job choice, my haircut and the fact that I’m stronger than most of them.”

“So are you gay?”

She scoffed. “No, doc, I like guys. I like them a lot. Getting in on with another female just doesn’t jive for me. Last time I checked a girl can’t fuck another girl seeing as how girls don’t have dicks. I know a few girls that are and if that’s what makes them happy who am I to say different. Do you mind if I smoke?”

He held up his hand. “I’m sorry it’s a no smoking area, but if it will help you can hold it. Jesse, I didn’t mean to offend you. Like I said before there is no judgment here. Anything you tell me will stay here.”

Jess glared at him as she pulled a cigarette out and placed it between her fingers. “None taken, you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been asked that. I guess I put off that vibe. Just because I opted for a male dominated career that automatically makes me gay.”

“You’d be surprised; after all you are LA County’s first female fireman. Ok, so no boyfriend. When was the last time you had sex?”

Jess shook her leg nervously. “What’s with all the questions doc? If you really need to know I haven’t been with a guy in over a year. It’s been kind of hard to…”

Again the doctor’s pen found its way to the bright yellow pad. Her hesitancy didn’t surprise him. She didn’t trust him yet and wasn’t ready to divulge personal information.

“Hard to what, Jesse?”

She inhaled sharply remembering Johnny and Mike’s suggestion to be honest. She promised them she would.

“It’s kind of hard to date when you’re laid up in a hospital for several months.” She replied flatly.

The cigarette was placed in between her lips wondering what question he’d hurl at her next. Dr. Burrows is prying at the wound in her heart.

_Sure wish I could light this damn thing._

“May I ask how you ended up there?”

She shook her head. _It will be a cold day in hell before I tell you._

“Nope can’t tell you that. I’m not ready to go there.” She answered as she roughly moved from the spot on the couch.

Dr. Burrows watched her as she paced angrily back and forth in front of the window. Jesse bit her nails before running her hand through the short black hair. The action inadvertently showed the bandage on her arm. She tried hard to quell the anger growing inside.

_Nosy aren’t we Dr. Burrows?_

“Jesse, please come and sit. I didn’t mean to upset you. I merely ask about things I feel are important. I will add that to the list of items to discuss when you’re ready. May I ask what happened to your arm?”

She scoffed before returning to the edge of the couch. “First let me ask you how much Gage told you.”

He pulled off his glasses and placed them neatly in his lap. Concerned brown eyes studied his patient. “All he said was that you would be calling. I asked for more details, but he wouldn’t give them. He did say it was important to get you in as soon as I could. Jesse, you have a good friend there. He’s genuinely concerned about you and not just because he’s one of the paramedics.”

Clenching her fists tightly her eyes flashed with rage. “Look Dr. Burrows, I have no fucking family! It’s just me! I’ve asked all of them so many times to stop worrying about me and to leave me the hell out of their family! As far as my arm goes, I cut it.”

Slate blue eyes bore into him while he made a few notes on the paper. Jesse apparently has family issues. He wondered if this is part of the problem that Johnny called him about.

“Was it intentional?”

A loud sigh filled the room as she quickly turned her eyes to the tan carpet. “If I admit that you’ll pick up the phone and have me relieved of duty. Then I will be labeled as a firefighter in distress and any chance of promotion in the future will be gone. Yeah, Doc, I know how the system works. I admit nothing!”

E!

Dr. Burrows sighed and set the yellow note pad on the small table next to him. He couldn’t lose her. Knowing if he persisted in prying for personal info she’d shut down completely and would have no choice but to relieve her of duty.

“Jesse, let me explain my system. It’s a little unorthodox. I don’t want to label anyone as anything. Admitting this will not necessarily cause me to relieve you of duty, but you’ve got to give me more than abrupt answers to keep that from happening. I have to make sure that you or your brothers are not in any danger. We need to work together here. If you agree to work with me then I will allow you to perform your duties as long as you show me you’re fit to do them. Deal?”

Jess, bit her nails anxiously. Firefighting was the only thing she had to live for. If she lost that then there’s no point in continuing. Everything else died that night with Brandon.

“Fine, deal.”

He leaned toward her. “Now was it intentional?”

“Yeah, one of the guys keeps prying into my past. I did it at home after a confrontation before shift ended.”

The pen met the paper again. “Was this the first time?”

Tired scared eyes met him. The one nonverbal action gave him the answer. After seeing his reaction she opted for the truth.

“No, I’ve done it before. I guess I’ll start drawing up my resignation papers.”

She rose from the couch and slowly walked to the door. Just as her shaking hands turned the knob he addressed her.

“Jesse, let’s talk some more. We still have around thirty minutes. Convince me why you should stay on duty.”

She reluctantly returned to the couch. He continued right where he’d left off.

“So after this latest cut you called John to come over and look at it?”

Jesse fiddled with the cigarette. “Uh, no Mike followed me home. He was concerned after seeing me leave in a hurry.”

Dr. Burrows’ eyebrows rose in surprise. There was more than one shift mate involved and she was referring to him by his first name. He knew that Mike is the station engineer, but wanted to ask to see what her reaction is.

“Who’s Mike and how does John fit in the picture?”

“Stoker is the engineer. He called Gage to re-bandage the cut. Stoker was concerned that his bandage wasn’t sufficient.”

“How did Mike find out about this?”

She shifted nervously on the couch and placed the cigarette between her lips. “He, uh, he took me out for breakfast. When I reached for the sugar he saw the bandage. Then before he left after taking me home he pulled up the sleeve and demanded to know what happened.”

“Do you want to end your life?” he asked as he made additional notations.

She shook her head. “No, I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to end. Doc, firefighting is my life and I don’t want to lose that.”

“I’m glad to hear you want to live. That helps. So Mike took you out for breakfast after he followed you home. I assume you didn’t invite him over. That’s unusual. Are you two close?”

Jess placed her elbows on her knees and resumed staring at the floor. “Yeah, Stoker followed me uninvited. He was worried. He’s the closest thing I have to a friend.”

He placed the glasses on the table beside him before glancing at the clock. “Jesse, when you first mentioned the station’s engineer you called him by his first name, then after I asked who he was you changed to his last name. Why?”

She shrugged. Bright red flushed her shy face. “Dunno, I didn’t realize I’d done it.”

He studied her body language and realized that statement wasn’t true.

_I’m beginning to feel there may be more going on between you than just friends._

“I see. Was he the one that dropped you off today?”

“Yeah, my car wouldn’t start. So he gave me a ride.” She replied dryly.

“Ok, I would like to discuss your relationship with your shift mates on our next visit. Jesse, I’m glad to hear that you want to live. I hope that you will trust me and open up some so I can help you. Our time is drawing to an end, but there is one other thing I’d like to discuss. Are you on any kind of antidepressant?”

“Yeah, fifty milligrams of Amitriptyline.” Came the reluctant reply.

More notes were made. “Mmmmhmmm. How’s that working for you?”

“Ok, I guess when I remember to take it.”

“Before I make any adjustments I ask you to please try to remember to take it every morning. Put it in a place where you will see it. Let’s see you’re on A-shift so I will see you on Wednesday at one.”

Jesse stood and headed to the door. “You’re really not going to call Captain Stanley?”

“No, but I do want you to call me if you have either a panic attack or think of harming yourself. Here’s my card. It doesn’t matter what time it is. If I’m not at the office my answering service will call me and I will immediately call you back.”

E!

Mike pulled in to headquarters. Jesse stood leaned against a parking pole. He could tell by her body language she was highly agitated. He got out of the truck and approached her. Surprise filled his face when he saw her smoking a cigarette.

“Uh, Jess I didn’t know you did that.”

She let out a long stream of smoke. “Only when I’m extremely pissed off or sitting in a bar.”

He gently pulled the cigarette from her hand and threw it to the ground. “You don’t need that. It’s a nasty habit and will eventually kill you.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, so will fighting fire, but I don’t see you stopping me there.”

He pulled her closer using the front of her shirt. Leaning down he placed his lips inches from hers. He didn’t recall making the decision to do so, but it felt right.

“It may not. You won’t accept that? How about this? You’re too beautiful to smoke.”

Closing the small gap between them he wrapped his arms gently around her. Jesse felt every muscle in her body tense at the feeling of physical contact. He felt her tension but refused to relinquish his grip. Jesse needed to know someone cared. After several moments she allowed herself to relax a little causing him to smile. Wanting to enjoy his scent a little longer she slowly pulled away.

“You know we are standing in front of HQ, right?” she whispered running her fingers down his chest.

“Yeah, I know. It’s not like we’re being watched, but I guess we do need to get out of here before we’re caught.”

Walking to the truck he held her hand. Neither of them knew that Dr. Burrows was watching from his second story window. Worry filled his face as he studied the couple below.

_That’s what I thought. There’s not a rule against it, but it’s not good for the team, an engineer dating a lineman._

E!

“So Jesse, the day’s not done yet. How about we head to the beach for a while then grab something for dinner?” Mike asked after helping her from the truck.

Jesse quickly turned her gaze to the asphalt. Fear began to rear its ugly head. He kept saying he has no ill intent, but she didn’t fully believe him. She played with the hem of her shirt.

“I…I…uh…” she stammered.

He leaned down attempting to see her face. He understood her hesitancy, but he needed to show her he isn’t a threat like her old engineer.

“Jesse, please, I really want to spend the rest of the day with you. I promise I’m not faking just to get you to do stuff for me. Like I said before I won’t do anything you don’t want. I promise it’s just two friends hanging at the beach and then dinner. I have no expectations.”

She timidly looked up. “You’re not toying with me?”

Placing a soft hand under her chin he carefully lifted her face. “No, Jesse, I’m not toying with you. Please give me a chance.”

She inhaled deeply. “Ok I will go, but if you do anything that makes me feel threatened I’m gone.”

“Deal. Let’s head up to your apartment so you can change.”

Again he reached down and took her hand. She slowly intertwined her fingers with his. Butterflies danced in her stomach when he tenderly ran his thumb across her hand. She thought of pulling her hand free, but feeling the charged air between their palms caused her to change her mind.

E!

Mike stood leaned against the counter waiting for her to finish getting ready. He prayed she wouldn’t change her mind. He looked around the small kitchen. The counter was spotless and the containers were in alphabetical order. He leaned closer to them. The distance between them was exactly the same. Out of curiosity he opened the cabinet above the sink and studied the contents. Everything there was also perfectly aligned. He shook his head.

_She’s truly OCD._

His eyes fell to the two prescription bottles. He looked down the hall before picking them up and studying the labels.

_Amitriptyline-fifty milligrams-Take one tablet once daily._

_Seconal 100 milligrams-One tablet as needed for insomnia. Shit she’s on some heavy stuff._

He checked the dates of refill and compared the number of pills of each to it. He shook his head sadly; she wasn’t taking the antidepressant like she should and there were several Seconal missing. He hoped that Dr. Burrows would at least be able to convince her to take the antidepressants regularly. Seeing so many sleeping pills missing worried him too. He wasn’t sure if he fully believed her claim that suicide isn’t an option. Hearing soft footsteps caused him to quickly set the bottles down. He looked up and watched a timid Jesse slowly make her way down the hall.

He stood speechless. She wore a neon pink tank top and cutoff shorts. The pink accentuated her honey skin giving her a warm glow. The shorts revealed just enough of her muscular legs to be pleasing to the eye, but not so much that one would think her a tramp. A pair of sunglasses sat nestled in spiked black hair.

_Wow! She’s beautiful. I knew her hair would look sexy like that._

“I guess I’m ready.” She stated softly.

She looked at him for a moment studying his behavior. He stood almost rigid with his lips parted a stunned look covered his face. Feeling she was making him uncomfortable she turned and headed back down the hall.

“I’ll go change.” She whispered misunderstanding his reaction.

Mike quickly rounded the counter and gently took her by the elbow. “Jesse, wait. I’m sorry. Please don’t change. I…I…I just think…think you’re…beautiful.”

A faint blush rose on her cheeks. “Ok I won’t.”

E!

Jesse sat leaned against her arms legs stretched out in front enjoying the freshness of the air blowing in off the glistening ocean. Back home going to the beach was a vacation, but out here in California it seemed a normal occurrence. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply allowing the warmth of the sun to penetrate deep inside.

Mike shook the salt water from his hair as he returned from a swim. He gave a half smile when he saw her relaxed in the sun. Falling roughly to the blanket next to her he shook more water from his hair. The feeling of cool water hitting her face caused her to recoil and laugh eliciting a wide smile from him. Her laughter filled the quiet beach.

“Michael!” she said as she playfully pushed him away.

He moved closer to her and rested his chin on her shoulder. “What?”

“You just had to get me wet, didn’t you?”

He placed his lips next to her ear and softly whispered, “If I wanted to get you wet I’d carry you out there.”

She playfully pushed him away again. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh really?!” he teased.

He wrapped his arms around her and stood. Leaning down he picked her up at the waist and laid her across his shoulder.

“Michael, don’t you dare!” she laughed.

Holding one leg and an arm he quickly made his way to the water. Jesse laughed and screamed the entire way. He walked waist deep into the water before dropping her off his back. Jesse resurfaced laughing. Her black hair lay plastered against her head and a wild smile filled her face. She bit her lip nervously before tackling him. The pair splashed hard in the water. Mike surfaced just after she did.

“Why did you do that for?” he teased.

“Well you started it!” she replied splashing him with water.

He laughed. “Yeah, I guess I did. It’s nice to hear you laugh and see you’re smile. Both are beautiful and you really should show them more often.”

Jesse shifted uncomfortably. She wasn’t used to guys giving her honest complements. Normally they gave them sarcastically. She decided she like them especially coming from him. She flashed another smile and attempted to tackle him again, but this time he was ready. He stepped to the side and wrapped his arms around her waist to keep her from face planting in the water.

“You can get me once, but not twice Jesse!” he said while holding her gently by her hips.

“Well I guess I’m going to have to change my strategy, Michael.” Jesse retorted closing the gap between them.

Enjoying her closeness and warmth he gave a boyish smile. “Well maybe next time. I’m starving. How about we get something to eat?”

Jesse ran her fingertips lightly down his arms. “Sounds good, but there’s just one problem.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” he asked softly.

She slowly pulled away and took his hand in hers. “I’m soaking wet.”

Mike chuckled. “Yeah, you are. Ok then, you come back to my place and take a shower while I warm up some leftover spaghetti.”

“Uh, another problem, I don’t have any clothes at your place.”

Mike led her from the water thinking about her last statement. She has a point, but he didn’t want to let her go, not yet. He tenderly wrapped her in an oversized towel.

“Well, I have plenty of t-shirts and sweatpants at home. You can borrow those.”

Her heart leapt partly out of fear and partly out of excitement. She mentally kicked herself for enjoying the thought of wearing his clothes.

“Sure, I guess that will be ok.” She blurted without thinking.

E!

After taking a long hot shower Jesse dressed in Mike’s fire academy sweatpants and a t-shirt he’d gotten while training to be a specialist. She stood in front of the mirror and smiled. The shirt was at least two sizes too big. It hung off her narrow shoulders covering her elbows and the hem landed almost at her knees. Inhaling deeply she almost felt foolish for enjoying the scent of his clothing, heavy almost sweet. Technically she hadn’t agreed to date him, but here she is wearing his clothing like she is. She softly ran her fingertips across his name wondering why he’d chosen such a personal shirt for her to wear. There were plenty others in the drawer without his name, but he chose this one. Giving a contented sigh she headed down the hall toward the kitchen.

“Hey, just in time, the spaghetti is almost ready. If you’re up to it I could use some help with the salad.”

She nodded and rounded the counter. Mike laughed softly. The shirt hung way below her elbows and the legs of the sweatpants lay gathered at her ankles.

“Wow, Jesse, I’m sorry. I had no idea my clothes would swallow you whole.”

She blushed. “Yeah, I’m kind of small. I can almost wear just the shirt.”

Mike swallowed hard trying to keep the image of her wearing nothing but his shirt from forming, but it was too late. He quickly turned his attention back to the sauce simmering on the stove and his shoulders sagged with an unseen weight.

_Damn it. Stop thinking about her that way. Yeah she looks sexy as hell, but she also hasn’t agreed to be mine yet._

Jesse noticed his sudden change in behavior. “Michael, is something wrong?”

Mike shook his head while stirring the sauce. “Uh, no not really.”

She knit her eyebrows in frustration. Just a second ago he seemed fine, a bright smile filling his face and now he’s acting like something is wrong, his body sagging heavily. She grabbed him by the elbow and turned him toward her.

“Stoker, you’re lying. You were fine right up till I mentioned wearing just the shirt. If I need to go home then I will. I can call a cab; it’s no big deal. I don’t want you acting all weird around me. It’s obvious you are uncomfortable around me.”

He moved away from her unsure of what to do. He liked her, wanted her, but a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him of the order set by Captain Stanley. He isn’t one to break rules. Rules are set for the safety of an individual and crew. He looked over to Jesse. A look of hurt filled her face. He swore she was on the verge of crying. After turning her gaze to the floor she turned around and headed for the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” She whispered.

E!

Mike quickly rounded the corner after her. He couldn’t let her leave. He had to convince her to stay if only just to eat something. If she refused then he at least could give her a ride home.

“Jesse, wait!”

She paused with a hand on the door knob. In the darkness of the hall she felt smaller than ever. She didn’t know if it was just the oversized clothing or the hurt felt when he moved away from her. His actions seemed to swing on a wild pendulum. One moment he’s playful and makes her think that he feels the same way she does, but the next he’s distant making her believe that he’s not interested at all.

“Jesse, baby, please don’t leave.” He pleaded.

“Why? Why don’t you want me to leave?” she said softly. “Is it because you still don’t trust me? Stoker, I promise I’m not going to off myself. I swear I will see you tomorrow at the station.”

He moved closer to her. She was right; he didn’t fully trust her by herself. However that wasn’t why he didn’t want her to leave. He wanted to make sure she wanted to be more than friends.

“Jesse, please look at me.”

She lifted her head a little, but refused to actually look at him. The dim light highlighted the dark circles under her eyes giving her an eerie look. He gently took her by the shoulders and turned her to where she faced him fully. That one action caused her heart rate to accelerate. Closing the small gap between them he gently lifted her chin so he could see her face.

Jesse closed her eyes and tried hard to slow her breathing. Every inhale filled her senses with his warmth and scent. The edge of his t-shirt brushed against her neck as he leaned closer in. Feeling his warm breath against her ear caused her body to tingle and an ache of want to settle in her gut. Her heart raced wildly and her mind seemed to lose all reason. She softly draped her hands across his hips.

“I don’t want you to leave, because…because I want so, so badly for you to be mine.” He whispered in her ear.

A mischievous and wild smile formed. He bit his lip deciding on his next move. Normally he is cautious about sharing himself with a girl, but Jesse is different. Something about her stirs up intense emotion. He moved his lips down and gently placed them over hers giving her a tender and reserved kiss. He pulled back slightly to look at her.

Jesse kept her eyes closed and was having trouble keeping her breathing even. He leaned back in. This time he softly ran the tip of his tongue across her lips. There was a moment’s hesitation before she allowed him entry. He kissed her slowly as he lightly pinned her against the entry door. Electricity coursed across his body setting every nerve on fire. The feeling was new and exciting making his heart pound against his sternum. Her body relaxed into his just as he pulled back. He studied her. This time her eyes were wide almost panicked.

“Jesse, say something, please. Did I do something wrong?” he asked worried.

She shook her head in disbelief. _He actually kissed me!_

 _“_ Wow!”

He laughed softly. “I just kissed you and all you can say is ‘wow’?”

Jesse struggled to find the words to accurately convey what she is feeling. He wasn’t the first guy to kiss her, but it was the first time she tingled all over like she’d just been shocked. Her hand circled.

“That was…your…in…my. Wow!”

He laughed without meaning to. “Jesse, don’t tell me that was your _first_ kiss.”

She shook her head. “No…NO. It’s not that. Yours is just…just the first that’s…”

She cleared her throat as her face flushed.

“That’s made me feel like this.” She replied shyly.

He leaned down so he could see her face. A faint blush still rested on her cheeks. She gave a quick glance as a small smile formed.

“Like what, Jess?”

The red became brighter and she gave a shy smile. “Like I’ve been hit with a defibrillator.”

He chuckled. “I hope that it feels better than it sounds. I’ve seen one discharge on a patient and it looks like it hurts like hell.”

“Ok let me clarify. I feel charged all over, like everything is on fire. I like it.”

“You felt that, too?!” He whispered.

She nodded and rested heavily against the wall. “Yeah, I felt it.”

He draped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck in the now dark hall. “Let’s see if it’s still there.”

There was no hesitation in allowing his tongue to enter. Electricity coursed frantically through her. She hesitantly ran her fingers through his hair as she returned his kiss. Placing her hand firmly against the back of his head she circled her tongue around his tenderly but aggressively. Jesse pressed him tighter against her. He was amazed at her urgency and strength. He pulled back slightly to give a soft laugh.

“Damn, Jess.”

He moved his hands higher and pulled her closer while leaning in for more. She smiled and gently pushed him away but kept her hands lightly on his chest.

She cleared her throat. “Uh, Stoker, I think the sauce is beginning to burn.”

Leaning down he whispered in her ear, “Don’t call me that when it’s just us. I like it when you call me ‘Michael’. So I take it you’re staying?”

A mischievous smile formed on her face. She softly ran her finger tips across the outline of his pecs causing a shudder of excitement to roll up his spine. Wrapping an arm around his neck she stood on her tip toes.

“Yeah because I want to see what’s for dessert.” She answered seductively near his ear.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Ch. 13

Mike glanced at the alarm clock, one a.m. He pulled the girl next to him tighter against his chest and nuzzled her neck softly. He couldn’t believe that she was here in bed with him. She stirred slightly then settled back asleep. Giving a dissatisfied groan he nibbled at her ear while running his hand softly up and down her abdomen.

“Jesse?” he whispered.

She stirred again and gave a soft laugh. He’d found out almost immediately that she is extremely ticklish. Something he decided to use to his advantage from time to time. She tried to pull away but was held tighter.

“Michael…” she began.

After rolling her on her back he silenced her with a tender kiss. “Shhh, no talking, unless you’re turning me down.”

She shook her head, wrapped an arm around his neck, and pulled him closer. Their lips met eagerly. Her affectionate and playful style sent waves of heat straight down to his member. He resisted the urge to take her immediately. The first time was hurried, both hungry for skin to skin contact. He wanted this time to last, to enjoy her, to explore and learn. A soft sigh filled the room when he kissed along the edge of her clavicle.

_There’s one spot._

He slowly made his way back to the hollow where the two bones met. Feeling a slight ridge in the bone halfway across he stopped.

“How’d you break your collar bone?” he whispered, his lips brushing against her warm skin.

“Uh, did it on my first official rescue. The kid I was pulling out of a ravine went into a seizure, sent both of us crashing into the side and wha-la broken. You going to inquire about all my scars?”

He laughed softly before nuzzling her neck affectionately. “Only the ones that may have a good story behind them.”

Jesse ran her palm softly down his chest enjoying the smooth softness. Her last lover had a heavy dusting of hair. She immediately decided she liked Mike’s bareness better. It allowed more skin to skin contact.

“Ok, just understand I may not tell you. Now back to the task at hand. Is there anything you’d like me to do for you or to you?”

Mike thought for a second. He nibbled at an ear while debating. On one hand there were a couple of things he’d love to see her do, one being to suck him off. On the other he didn’t want her to think he just wanted _favors._ Leaving a wet trial he moved silently to her chest. Taking a nipple fully caused her to arch into him and moan loudly sending heat straight down to his cock.

_Damn she’s vocal. I like it. I want to hear more._

“Not tonight, next time you can return the favors.” He muttered before moving to the other nipple.

“You sure? I feel guilty about receiving all the attention.” She stated while inhaling sharply.

“Mmmhmm”

Soft sighs and moans filled the room as he explored every inch of her upper body. Jesse had numerous sensitive areas and he wanted to know them all. Feeling his warm fingers between her legs caused a soft pleasure filled moan to pass through her lips. Watching her enjoying his touch caused him to harden further. Satisfied he moved lower leaving a trail of delicate soft kisses.

Jesse began to feel nervous. Mike is getting close to the scars that lined the right side of her body. She didn’t want to explain what happened. She liked him but wasn’t ready to divulge that. She didn’t have to worry about the ones she did on purpose, they were hidden in the burn scars. Explaining them would be easy. All she needed to say was they were from the same incident. She pulled back when his soft lips met the edge of the scars.

Mike gently ran his fingers across them. A deep ache of hurt and sympathy filled him. He never experienced a burn bad enough to leave the kind of scar that marked her but heard they are almost unbearable. He hated knowing what kind of pain she endured. He didn’t have to ask how she got them. Somehow he knew these were obtained the night her partner died. How he missed them the first time he didn’t know. Maybe it was because of his excitement and hunger for sex that caused it.

“Oh, Jesse.” He said softly.

She tried to sink into the bed, to disappear. She feared he’d turn her down for good.

_Why would he stay with me now? My body is scarred and not beautiful by any means._

Feeling him tenderly kiss the outline of the scars caused tears to run silently down her cheeks. He sensed her discomfort and made his way back to her lips. Her insecurity surprised him; Jesse seemed confident and sure of herself at work. He’d noticed the insecurity the first time but shook it off as excitement.

_Maybe she feels she has to prove herself to us._

“Baby, its ok, you don’t have to say anything. They don’t change how I feel about you. I still want you, but if you need me to stop for now just say the word. I want you to enjoy this, us together.”

He tenderly kissed her tears lingering for a moment on each one. Jesse lay quietly for a few moments remembering what her previous boyfriend said.

_Those burns are going to leave vicious scars and I want no part of you anymore._

“That’s why he left you know, my ex.” She whispered sadly.

“Yeah, well, if a few scars turned him off he didn’t really care about you. All he wanted was sex and I’m not like that. I care; I want a relationship, to know you both physically and personally. Now do you want me to stop?”

Again she shook her head and hungrily pulled his lips to hers. While aggressively kissing him she took a knee and pushed firmly against his hip. With her free hand she pushed hard against his shoulder rotating him onto his back. Mike laughed softly.

“Uh, baby, this is supposed to be about you.”

Throwing a leg over him she straddled him being careful to not disturb his erection. Leaning forward she whispered in his ear. “Yeah, well, I want top this time.”

Jesse kissed her way down to his chest. He inhaled sharply when she gently bit a nipple then licked away any discomfort she may have caused. His past girl never understood how sensitive his nipples are. He ran a hand through her hair as she attended to the other. Every place her lips met his skin it tingled with an electric sensation. She nuzzled his neck affectionately.

A random thought caused a wicked smile to form across her face. She sat upright and ran her hands down his chest and abdomen causing his stomach to retract. She really enjoyed his bareness.

“So, um, would it be wrong if I marked you as mine? I promise I won’t make them where they will show.” She asked while running a finger up and down the narrow line of hair that went from his belly button to the curly hair surrounding his cock.

He pretended to think for a moment just to keep her wanting. He brushed his fingertips down her stomach causing her to squirm. “I’d like that, will give me something to remind me of tonight while on shift tomorrow. However if you do then I get to mark you as well.” He answered before pulling her down to his lips.

She kissed him hard till she couldn’t breathe. She lifted up and firmly grabbed his member, stroking it hard. “Mmmm, deal.”

She continued to stroke him as she moved lower, placing her marks as she went. Mike watched her intently attempting to figure out her next move. Jesse stopped when her lips were inches from his engorged cock and gave him a seductive smile. He was fully erected with a bead of moisture in his slit. His heart rate increased and his member twitched at the thought of what she’s about to do.

Jesse lowered her mouth and placed his head between her lips. He groaned loudly when her tongue flicked the bead of moisture off it. Smiling she licked him from balls to tip and swirled her tongue around the tip eliciting pleasure filled sounds.

Mike tried hard to watch her while she continued to lick and suck, but the intensity of it forced him to close his eyes.

“God, Jesse, please!” he pleaded.

She stopped her ministrations. “Please what, babe?”

“Take me!” he begged.

She licked her lips before taking him fully in her mouth sucking all the way down. He ran a hand through her hair before caressing her cheek. Knowing he was about to come she planted a hand firmly on his hip to keep him from thrusting too hard. She pulled back up then down again being sure to place him at the back of her throat. She allowed her tongue to slip past her lips and tease the base of his cock. Mike’s pleasure filled groans filled the room as he pulsed down her throat. Jesse swallowed all he gave her then sucked hard making sure she’d gotten everything.

“Fuck!” he said breathlessly.

She placed her lips over his and kissed him passionately. She pulled back suddenly.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked concern filling his voice.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think before I kissed you. I mean I did just…”

He laughed softly. “Jesse, it is ok. Though I have to say you are the first girl to kiss me after just getting finished with sucking me off. Honestly on your lips it doesn’t taste bad. It’s interesting tasting me and you together.”

She curled up beside him placing her cheek against his chest. She listened to his strong and slowing heartbeat not believing what just happened. If someone were to tell her yesterday that she and the station’s engineer would be sleeping together she’d called them crazy. Mike tenderly wrapped the blankets around them.

“I thought you didn’t like physical contact.” He teased.

She nestled down further. “I decided I like it when you do it, but don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“It will be our secret.” He whispered.

_It has to be regardless. If anyone found out about us there will be serious ramifications._

E!

Mike stood in front of the bathroom mirror. He inspected the four marks Jesse made on him. Each was carefully placed so even the V-neck t-shirt wouldn’t reveal them. One rested at the place where his clavicle met the shoulder, another rested down and to the right of it, the other two sat right over his sternum. He softly ran his fingers over each one smiling. Jesse is his. He’d marked her almost the same way. He just had to keep it secret, especially from Cap. That would prove difficult since Captain Stanley is highly observant.

_I’ll have to do business as usual, that’s all there is to it._

He carefully opened the door to the bedroom and crept to her side of the bed. Xavier had taken his place curled up against her, his head resting on her chest.

“Xave, buddy, don’t be getting any ideas. She’s mine.”

The dog only offered a small tail wag. Mike stood quietly for a few moments watching her slow rhythmic breathing. He hated to wake her. She looks so peaceful and he is certain this is the best she’s slept in a long time. However they were due at work in a little more than an hour. He sat on the bed next to her hoping she isn’t as difficult to wake now as when she was drunk. He gently shook her shoulder.

“Jesse, baby, it’s time to get up.”

She stirred slightly causing him to roll his eyes. He shook her again a little rougher. Jesse slowly opened her eyes and looked for the person who interrupted her sleep. Seeing it was Mike already dressed in uniform caused a small smile to form.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” He said while leaning in.

Jesse placed a hand over her mouth. “I wouldn’t do that, morning breath.”

He laughed. “Fine, have it your way. Tell you what, how about I take you home so you can get ready for shift. I’ll even make you breakfast.”

She gently scratched behind the dog’s big ears and pushed him off of her. Stretching as she rose she replied, “You don’t have to make breakfast. I’m not really hungry.”

Mike sighed and scooted closer to her. He failed to understand why she wouldn’t take care of herself properly. “Baby, no offense, but you’re too little. You need to start eating better. You can’t live off peanut butter sandwiches and what little you eat at the station. Promise me you’ll start taking better care of yourself. Please I’m asking as your boyfriend.”

She pulled back slightly at the word ‘boyfriend’. Yeah she wanted him to be that, but she was also afraid at the thought of it.

“Boyfriend?! Michael, all we did…”

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and placed his lips near her ear. “If I remember correctly you and I marked each other as theirs, not to mention you’re wearing my shirt. So yeah I’m your boyfriend.”

“But what if….what about Captain, I overheard the no dating order he gave and if…”

He gently kissed her cheek. “Well then we can’t let him find out about us. Now put on some pants, we’ve got to get going.”

E!

Mike whistled while polishing the engine causing Chet to look around the compartment door suspiciously. Mike never whistled while polishing. Hell he never whistled period. Chet closed the small door with a smile.

“So, uh, Stoker, who’s the chick?” he inquired leaning against Big Red.

Mike glared at the line man while adjusting his shirt. “What makes you think it’s a girl?”

“Oh, dunno, just the fact you’re walking around whistling and stuff, which you never do. So the only logical explanation is you got _some_ last night. Who is she?”

Mike roughly threw the rag in the seat and sighed.

_Great, now I’m the next pigeon._

“Kelly, it’s really none of your business. So can it.”

“What’s none of his business?” Johnny inquired while rounding the squad.

Chet pointed a thumb over to Mike and grinned. “Well, Gage-y baby, Stoker here got laid last night and he won’t tell who it was.”

Mike aggressively shut the door. “I didn’t say anything about being with a girl last night, Kelly! You’re insinuating shit and I want you to stop it!”

The color drained from Johnny’s face as he stared at Mike. He’d noticed earlier that Jesse though still depressed seemed to be in better spirits and now Mike is acting weird.

_Oh no! Mike you didn’t!_

While passing Johnny Mike glared fiercely at him like he knew what the paramedic was thinking. Chet noticed Johnny’s pallor and raised an eyebrow.

“So, Gage, do you know who Stoker’s mystery girl is?”

Still is shock over Stoker’s silent confession Johnny didn’t answer. He couldn’t believe ‘by the book’ Mike Stoker just broke an order set by his commanding officer. He watched Jesse round the engine heading for the dorms. She kept her head low as usual.

_What is it about her that makes him lose all reason?_

Chet roughly shoved him causing Johnny to return with a glare.

“Johnny, I asked if you know who the mystery girl is that’s got Stoker is such a good mood.”

Johnny shook his head before walking off. “No, Kelly, I don’t”

E!

Jesse tucked the corners of the blanket under the foot of the bed just as Mike walked in. After studying her work he chuckled and shook his head.

“Short sheeting Chet’s bed. You know he will retaliate, right?”

She nodded and gave a mischievous smile. “Yeah I know, but short sheeting is just one of the things I have planned. I would tell you, but you are second in command and I can’t have the engineer knowing what his lineman is up to.”

Mike started to tell her that it’s ok to play a prank or two, but the klaxons prevented him from doing so.

“Station 51, possible heart attack, 22401 Catskill Avenue, that’s 22401 Catskill Avenue, cross street East 224th Street, time out 10:25”

Jesse quickly took her seat on the engine and waited for her partner to do the same. She smiled to herself thinking about when they got back to the barn. Chet was in for a hell of a surprise. She quickly pushed the thought out of her mind so she could focus on the incident ahead. While Big Red was traveling down the highway she pulled on her jacket. Mike drove the Ward through the midafternoon traffic. A swear left his lips when he jammed on the brakes to miss a car who pulled out in front of them. He winced when he heard Jess hit the glass hard behind him. He hit the air horn to remind the driver that the fire truck with the siren and flashing lights had the right of way.

E!

Jesse stood beside the rig waiting further orders. She absent mindedly picked at her nails hoping the victim is ok. Looking to the squad she noticed Johnny signaling to her and quickly jogged over to ask him what he needed.

“Here take the oxygen and the defibrillator.”

She quietly followed him in wondering why on earth he chose her to assist. The pair entered the small Spanish style home and found the victim gasping for breath on the couch. She set the equipment beside the couch and stepped back so the medics could work.

“Sir, what seems to be the problem?” Roy asked the panicked man.

The middle aged mine just stared at him and made some motions with his hands. Misunderstanding Roy asked him again. Jesse stood near the door wondering if she should intervene. Knowing the man needed medical attention she crouched beside Roy. Both medics sat stunned as she began to sign.

_Sir, these men are paramedics. They are here to help. What seems to be troubling you today?_ She asked non-verbally.

The man stared at her for a moment before signing, a look of relief filling his face.

Johnny quickly grabbed her arm. “What’s he saying?”

“He says his chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it and he can’t breathe.” She relayed.

_How long ago did this start?_ She asked.

“Gage, he says it started fifteen minutes ago. His neighbor called then went out to find help.”

“Ok, Jess, tell him we need to do an EKG to send to the doctor.”

She translated and the man nodded. She softly shook her head. Their victim was throwing PVC’s. Johnny transmitted the information to Rampart who requested an IV and a lidocaine drip. She again relayed the information to the patient and assured him that he was in good hands.

Jesse stood back away from the attendants and the medics as they loaded the patient in the ambulance. She wondered if she’d again stepped outside the boundaries. She didn’t mean to, but it was hard to turn off the medic in herself. Brandon always said she had a passion for the job and the people she helped.

“Hey, Jess, patient wants to talk to you.”

She nodded and followed Roy to the back of the ambulance. Shyly she climbed in side and sat next to the patient.

_What’s your name?_ he asked.

_Jesse._ she signed back.

_A beautiful name for a beautiful person. I’m Doug, thank you Jesse for speaking for me. I noticed you carry such sadness. Don’t for life is too short. You have a gift for helping others; don’t let unforgiveness rob you of it. Forgive yourself._

_But Doug, how’d you know?_

_I’ve been there. I haven’t been deaf all my life, but that’s a story for another day. Please forgive yourself and move forward. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is worth the effort. Thank you again and I hope our paths cross again._

She nodded before exiting perplexed.

E!

“Shit, you’ve got to be kidding me!” Chet yelled from the locker room.

Jesse tried hard to keep her shoulders from shaking as she laughed to herself. She leaned heavily against the side of the squad enjoying his swears emanating from the room. Hearing the door open she made a quick retreat to the day room.

Mike watched her quickly enter, grab the magazine out of his hands, and slide onto the couch next to Henry. He caught a quick glimpse of her face before she ducked behind the magazine. Her eyes shone brightly and a small smile filled her face.

“Ok, which one of you jacked with my soap?!” Chet stated angrily as he entered the room.

Three sets of eyes stared in amazement. Chet’s skin was a brilliant shade of pink, resembling a sunburn. Mike moved his gaze to the girl sitting on the couch pretending to enjoy his issue of Fire Engineering. She slowing placed the magazine on her lap and gave Chet a stunned look.

“Damn, Kelly, what the hell happened? It looks like you’ve been burned. We weren’t at a fire.”

Chet’s eyes flashed. “Babe, the Phantom is watching you!”

She shrugged. “Mmmmk, if ya say so. I do suggest he finds some aloe for that burn.”

That added to Chet’s rage causing him to storm off. On his way out he almost ran over Cap. Captain Stanley did a double take.

“What happened?”

Johnny broke into laughter. “Cap….Cap you’re not going to….to believe this, but Jesse….oh man….”

Mike gave a half smile wondering what else Jesse had in store for her partner. “Cap, Jesse here gave the Phantom a taste of his own medicine.”

Captain Stanley stared at his new line man causing her to lower her gaze to the shiny pages of the magazine in her lap. She prayed she hadn’t gone too far in paying Chet back for his relentless pranks.

“Jesse, did you do that?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yes, Sir, I’m sor…”

Cap gave a small chuckle. “Just don’t let it get out of hand, ok?”

E!

Mike creped quietly in the locker room knowing if he got caught he’d be in trouble. He peeked around the corner of their set of lockers. Jesse stood before an open locker wearing only a pair of shorts and a sports bra. A boyish smile spread across his face while he watched her don a white undershirt. He quietly approached her.

“Stoker, I know you’re in here.” She said while placing the toiletries on the shelf.

He searched the locker room before wrapping his arms around her waist. He made a mental note of the brand and scent of her body wash and shampoo. If she was spending the night at his place then she needed her own toiletries. He tenderly nuzzled her neck.

“Mmmm, baby, I can’t wait till end of shift.”

Jesse pulled away. “You know if you get caught in here…”

He pulled her closer again. “Come on, Jess, don’t be like that.”

She gently shoved him back and turned to face him. “Michael, I’m serious. I don’t want you to lose your job over me. Besides I’m probably just a fling anyway.”

Mike’s face turned gravely serious. He gently grabbed her wrists to keep her from leaving. Fear filled Jesse. She fixed her eyes to a spot on the floor and tensed up preparing for him to hit her. Sensing the sudden change in her behavior he quickly released her.

_Damn it, I’ve got to watch how I handle her._

“Jesse, baby, please look at me. Angel, you are not some fling I’m on. I honest to goodness like you. I didn’t have sex with you just to do it. What do I need to do to make you see that?”

Her shoulders slumped as she hung her head. In all honesty she didn’t know what it would take for her to believe him. A majority of her adult life was spent guarding herself against aggressive men, men that wanted nothing more than a physical relationship. Deep inside she knew Mike wasn’t like them, but that nagging voice in the back of her head wouldn’t allow her to admit it.

“I don’t think we need to talk about this _here_.” She whispered before making a break toward the door.

Mike shook his head sadly wondering if he’d made a mistake in expressing his true feelings toward her. He’d taken a chance last night. Normally he dated a girl for at least a year before giving himself to her. For some reason Jesse feared relationships. She refused to get to know any of her coworkers and now he felt her pulling away from him too.

_If we didn’t work together would she still act this way?_

E!

Jesse lay awake in the dorm waiting for the rest of the crew to come in and settle so she could assume her vigil on the couch. She stared at the ceiling trying to calm her racing mind. She couldn’t understand why she is so hesitant and afraid of Mike. He’s been nothing but kind and patient.

_He’s by far the nicest guy who’s ever shown an interest in me. Why am I afraid? Is it because he’s the station engineer? He’s nothing like Davis, but how can I be sure that he’s not just in it for sex? He says he isn't, but I have been lied to before._

She gave a loud sigh and placed her hands behind her head. Lost in thought she didn’t hear the footsteps that entered the room.

“Can’t sleep?” Mike’s concerned voice brought her out of the trance.

She shook her head and rolled on her side to face him.

“Something on your mind?”

“Yeah, but I can’t talk about it, not here.” She whispered.

“AWW COME ON! REALLY, BABE?” Chet’s voice filled the dorm.

Jesse placed a hand over her mouth attempting to stifle the giggles. Mike stared at her in disbelief. First she was actually smiling in the station and second she pranked her partner for the second time this shift.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“This, Stoker, is what! For one she short sheeted my bed and then when I lay down…”

Mike burst in laughter. Chet’s hair lay plastered against his head filled with white shaving cream. Seeing her partner caused Jesse's laughter to fill the air. It was genuine and started from deep within her. Chet was no longer angry. All his effort had paid off. Granted not in the way he planned, but here sat his partner laughing till tears ran down her cheeks. The guys stood silent enjoying the sound of the newest member of Station 51 laughing. Captain Stanley stood next to his bunk praying this would last.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that part of this chapter was not uploaded. Guess it was the beta =)

Ch. 14

“So, baby, how’d the appointment go?” Mike asked as she opened the truck’s door.

Jesse slid across the vinyl seat and closed the door. Hanging her head she held her breath attempting to keep the tears from pouring forth. She knew he wouldn’t judge her. If anything he’d hold her and let her cry it out; still she tried hard to keep her pain from showing. Today was the sixth time she’s seen Dr. Burrows. Today she talked with him about her parents passing. It wasn’t what the doctor wanted to address, but he allowed her feeling it was a small step in the right direction.

“Fine, I guess. He keeps prying at things I’m not ready to address.”

Mike sighed softly.

“Jesse, please don’t take this the wrong way. You have to cross that bridge sometime or he’s going to relieve you of duty. Johnny feels you aren’t making much progress and, baby, I feel the same way. Over the past month you seem to be drifting away again.”

Her shoulders sagged heavily. “I’m not ready to go there yet. How can I talk to him about something so…so….so painful, something I’m guilty of?”

He slid across the bench seat and pulled her in a warm embrace. She tensed up at first still unsure of physical contact. She’d been with him for nearly two months, and he never pressures her. Yet she still remains shy, wondering if he has ulterior motives. After several moments she relaxed into his strong arms and nestled deeply against his chest. He sat quietly for a few moments and inhaled deeply the scent of her shampoo. He had to get her to open up to someone.

_If she won’t talk to Dr. Burrows maybe I can get her to talk to me. I can’t let her continue to regress._

“Ok, how about talking to me first?”

“Michael, I…I…”

“Baby, I won’t judge you. I promise to listen and not try to fix it.”

Jesse placed a hand softly on his chest and pushed away. He was right. She’d made no real progress in healing and now he and Johnny are on the verge of reporting her to Captain Stanley. She couldn’t lose the one thing she had left in life, firefighting, but she couldn’t risk Mike learning the truth either. She had to make a choice, continue being a firefighter and lose the one thing that keeps her from self-harm, sex with the station’s engineer, or lose both. She didn’t mean to use him as a replacement for cutting, but the thrill of having to sneak around was greater than the thrill of cold steel on her flesh, at least for now.

_So what’s it going to be? Fighting fire is the only thing I have left in life. As much as I like Michael and what he does for me, I can’t lose that. If I lose my job I might as well be dead. Michael I can replace. I do however want one more night with him before I lose him._

She inhaled deeply and let her hand fall from his chest. “I’ll talk, but not today. My nerves are still raw from my session with Dr. Burrows, but soon, I promise.”

“Ok, but Jesse soon, all right?” he answered while gently caressing her cheek.

She nestled her face deeper his hand and almost felt guilty about using him. He’s the first she’s let see the playful and affectionate side of her. She didn’t mean for that side to slip out, but something about Mike made her feel safe and cared for.  Even her last lover, Cody, never got to see this side, but then again he’d never let her even if she wanted to. A deep feeling of guilt and shame settled in her gut.

“Now how about we take a little trip up to Malibu and spend the night? There’s no one there who will know us, so we will be free to act like a couple.”

She gave a soft smile and teased his hair. “Sounds like fun.”

E!

“Put it on, Baby, please.”

Mike ran a single finger down between her breasts and hooked it in the top of her shorts. Jesse looked to the small paper bag sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Michael, I’ve never worn one…”

Pulling her to him he whispered, “I don’t know why. Your body is built perfectly for it. Please, baby, please for me.”

He tenderly kissed her neck while pulling her tightly against him. He softly ran his hands down her back and cupped her firm ass. She shivered with excitement when she felt his warm breath at her ear.

“Angel.” He whispered softly, “I’ll make it worth your while; I promise.”

She smiled. He only calls her Angel during sex and the moments after. It was his term of endearment, one that she loved. It makes her feel special. The feeling of guilt settled in again. She bit her lip nervously.

“Ok, but only once.” She whispered.

“Mmmhmm, we’ll see.”

He watched her take the bag and head slowly to the bathroom. After she closed the door he fell to the bed smiling. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine how she will look, her sexy curves, and the bright fabric.

_Easy, she may change her mind._

Mike lay in the quiet room in anticipation, praying she won’t back out. He still couldn’t understand her insecurity with her body. Yes she has scars, but in his eyes she is still beautiful. He looked out the bedroom window and watched the waves roll against the white sand. His uncle purchased the condo years ago, but never uses it, instead offering its use to Mike. He’s stayed many times, but Jesse is the first girl he’s brought here.

The sound of the door opening caused him to turn his head. Jesse shyly made her way back into the room wearing a neon pink bikini. One hand pulled nervously at the skimpy top and the other tried hard to cover the scars on her abdomen. He gave her a warm smile and rose to greet her. He loved the way the pink accented her honey skin giving her a radiant glow.

“Damn, baby, you look amazing.”

Jesse’s face turned bright red and she quickly turned her gaze to the floor. She pulled at the top trying hard to keep her breasts covered. A half smile filled Mike’s face as he moved to stand behind her. Feeling his calloused fingers slide under the bottom of the top caused her heart to race frantically. She flinched a little when she felt the top come loose and instinctively placed an arm across her breasts to keep them covered. The hand over her abdomen tried desperately to keep the scars hidden. She hadn’t let him see her in the light before and was afraid of his reaction.

“Baby, let me help. It’s kind of hard to tie a top by yourself when you’re not used to it.”

She nodded and relaxed her arm a little, but kept her other hand firmly over her abdomen. From behind Mike adjusted the cups and tied the top firmly in place. Jesse still marveled at how soft and delicate his touch can be.

“There, that should fit better. I do have to say guessing your size is kind of difficult, but it looks like I guessed right. It also helped that I had someone who had experience with guys wanting to buy something for a girl, but not knowing what her size is.”

“Yeah it is kind of hard to find things that fit when you have no breasts.” She muttered.

He sighed softly and turned her to face him. He studied the girl in front of him. She bit her wobbling lip and kept her eyes fixed firmly to the floor. He let his eyes to move down to her chest. He allowed a boyish smile to fill his face. With the way he’d tied the top her breasts just fit in. She was covered properly, but just barely.

_Baby, have you ever had a guy tell you you’re beautiful and actually mean it?_

“Jesse, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful just the way you are. Look.”

Mike gently cupped her left breast causing a surge of warmth to fill her. She closed her eyes and attempted to keep her breathing under control.

“Look.” He said again softly.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked to his hand. Even with his long narrow fingers she fit his hand perfectly. A faint blush rose on her cheeks.

“See, baby, you have more than you give yourself credit for. If you wouldn’t wear sports bras all the time you’d see it. I understand wearing them at work, but when you’re off venture out a little. Allow yourself to be girly. I love it when you do.”

He tenderly turned her face upward and placed his lips over hers. He kissed her slowly while pulling her tightly against him. After a few moments she tried to pull away; he only held her tighter.

“Nuh uh, baby, you are mine.” He stated breathlessly in her ear.

Realizing she wasn’t going to get away she laid her head against his bare chest and wrapped her arms around him. He tenderly ran his fingers through her short hair. Again a twinge of guilt made itself known. She bit her lip wondering if she’d made the right decision. She hadn’t told him what actually happened that night or who Brandon really was.

_Am I jumping to conclusions about what his reaction will be?_

“Now how about we head down to the beach?”

“Michael, I…I...I can’t…not like this.” She pulled away and motioned toward her body.

“Baby, you look fine. It covers you well and will allow a really good tan.”

Jesse stood silently for a few moments. Insecurity filled her. Dressing like this for him in private was one thing, but going out was entirely different.

“But what about other guys? They will be staring at me.”

He laughed softly. “Don’t worry they will know you’re mine.”

E!

Jesse sat slightly reclined her arms stretched behind her narrow waist watching Mike surf. It was difficult to stifle a small laugh as he fell into the crashing waves. A short moment later he surfaced and remounted his board. He waved to her signaling he was ok. She really enjoyed watching him. He is easy on the eyes especially when his shorts clung in all the right ways. Faint red filled her cheeks while she thought about what he’d promised earlier. ‘ _I’ll make it worth your while, Angel.’_ A heavy weight settled deep inside as she thought about what she’s giving up. Here she is with a guy that is not only hot and great in bed but sweet and caring and she’s fixing to throw it all away.

_Damn it! Why is this so hard?! All I wanted was a physical relationship. Why did I have to fall for him?! Damn it, Michael, why do you have to care so much?_

A low voice disturbed her thoughts. “Hey, baby, you here by yourself?”

Jesse rolled her eyes before looking up wondering why people can’t just leave her alone. Standing near her was a guy no more than eighteen wearing a small smile. Water from his dark hair dripped onto his tanned bare chest. She couldn’t deny that he was attractive, but technically she was still with Mike. She sat upright and shook her head.

“No, I’m here with my boyfriend. Now please go away.”

Not taking ‘no’ for an answer he sat next to her on the bright blanket and rested his arms on his knees. She inhaled sharply attempting to show her annoyance.

“Ok show me which one he is, because I don’t believe you. He wouldn’t leave such a beautiful girl alone.” He stated while leaning closer.

She rolled her eyes. “I am quite capable of taking care of myself, but if you just have to know he’s the one just coming in.”

A small scoff filled the air. “Really, you want me to believe that you’re with him?! Baby, he’s too old for you. You’re what, nineteen and damn, he’s got to be at least thirty. Why don’t you come with me? I promise you’ll have a good time.”

Anger welled up inside Jesse. “For your information I am twenty-three and I happen to like older guys. Now piss off!”

E!

Mike ran his free hand through his hair while walking back to meet Jesse. Knowing she is uncomfortable with being out in a bikini he decided to head back early. He was sad she didn’t take his offer of teaching her to surf. He glanced to where she sat expecting to see her smiling face watching him. Instead she had her eyes averted to the bright blanket and based on her body language she seemed highly agitated. His eyes quickly darted to the young boy sitting extremely close to her. A strong feeling of jealousy made itself known.

“…I like older guys. Now piss off!” he heard Jesse exclaim angrily.

Anger caused his pace to quicken. Somehow this boy upset Jesse enough for her to raise her voice and he wasn’t going to tolerate it.

_Nobody messes with my girl!_

Mike roughly slammed the tail of his surf board in the sand behind the object of his jealousy narrowly missing him. The boy jumped and glared at him.

“Hey, sweetheart, is there a problem?” Mike asked.

Jesse gave a look of relief as she rose. “No, Michael, no problem. He was just leaving.”

Mike wrapped an arm around her waist protectively from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder. Anger flashed in his baby blue eyes as he stared down the younger male. The primal urge to maintain his dominance surprised him. He never thought of himself as possessive, but here he is staking his claim on Jesse. He’d only known her for a few months, but he’d already thought of her as his.

“Like the lady said ‘piss off’ and get out of here!”

The boy gave him a look of disgust before walking off.

“Whatever. Dude, she’s too young for you.” He muttered.

His comment caught Mike off guard.

“Jesse, what was that about?” Mike asked hesitantly.

She shook her head. “Nothing, he wanted me and I shot him down.”

Mike turned her to face him and studied her. She kept her eyes fixed to the blanket. He bit his lip debating on asking her what she meant by liking older guys and what the kid meant by saying she’s too young.

_Maybe I’m over reacting. That kid couldn’t have been more that eighteen and Jesse is at least twenty six, granted a young looking twenty six. She’s got to mean she doesn’t want a guy barely out of high school and he’s just jealous she’s taken._

He shook the thought from his head while taking her in a warm embrace. “Baby, how about we head back, get dressed, and grab a bite to eat. There’s a great seafood place just down from the condo and since we are away from prying eyes I want to show you off.”

E!

Mike softly closed the door behind them before wrapping his arms tightly around her.  He couldn’t control himself any longer. Jesse had no idea by just wearing the bikini she was teasing him. Since she’d put it on the only though he’d had was to take it back off and have his way with her. She playfully tried to get away.

“Michael, I thought we were getting ready to go back out.” She giggled.

After turning her to face him he drew her in for a kiss. She eagerly allowed him entry. As she pulled him closer her tongue circled his slowly causing her desire for him to grow. She gave a soft whimper when he broke the kiss. Her disappointment soon faded as he moved to the sensitive skin around her clavicle.

A soft sigh filled the air when he slid a hand under the cup of her top and exposed the sensitive nipple underneath. Jesse arched into him as he took her nipple fully in his mouth. While sucking he relieved her of the bright pink top. Her hands fumbled with the waist band of his shorts while he attended to the other nipple. He chuckled softly and gently held her hands.

“No, baby, right now I want to see, touch, and experience you without the distraction of your hands all over my dick. This time you _will_ wait. I won’t tolerate any insubordination from my lineman.”

“But what about…did you just say insubordination won’t be tolerated?”

“Yeah and it won’t Firefighter Johnson.” He teased.

“And what will happen if I don’t follow orders Engineer Stoker?” she whispered while sliding a hand down the front of his swim trunks.

“Hmm well, I guess I will have to place a reprimand in your file and discipline…”

Mike groaned in pleasure when she firmly grasped his member and began to slowly stroke it. Her actions caused him to forget what he was going to say. Closing his eyes he enjoyed the feeling of her warm hands firmly but gently stroking him. He hated to, but he hesitantly pulled her hand away. He wanted to pleasure her and it would be hard to do if he allowed her to continue.

“Angel, I promise you will thoroughly enjoy what I have in store for you. Trust me if you’re enjoying it then I am too. Don’t worry about me; I’ll get off just fine.” He whispered in her ear while untying the bottoms.

Mike stepped back and admired Jesse’s lean and cut form. This is the first time he’s been able to study her fully in a lighted area. Long lean and cut muscles covered her.  He’d felt them, tried to imagine them, but his imagination didn’t do her justice. Her broad chest held perky breasts and lead to a cut six pack. He lingered on her abs for a moment before turning his attention to the short hair between her legs. Heat ran through his body causing his member to twitch. Their eyes met briefly and she flashed a small smile before turning her eyes to the corner on the bed.

“Mmmm, Angel, wow!”

He ran his fingertips softly across her abs causing them to retract and a small laugh filled the air. Jesse tried to pull back, but he firmly wrapped an arm around her. She allowed him to hold her tightly against his bare chest and enjoyed the heat of skin to skin contact. She wished he was fully naked too so she could enjoy full contact.

He slowly pushed her back till her legs met the side of the bed and gently lay her down. Jesse moaned softly as he placed a line of kisses along her neck. Again she tried to reach down. Mike softly pinned her arms above her head.

“No, Angel. Tonight is about you, no exceptions.” He whispered.

She nodded slowly and kept her eyes shut. She’d interrupted every other time he’d tried to make it about her. Since it was that last time she’d be with him she decided to let him do whatever he’d been trying to do.

Satisfied she was going to comply Mike made his way slowly down her chest tending to each breast fully before moving on. He loved the small almost inaudible sounds she made as he did so. The way she arched into him allowed her thigh to slide across his engorged cock and almost sent him over the edge. He inhaled deeply and willed himself to hang on longer. He lightly nipped the last rib causing her retract and laugh.

_Damn I’m not going to be able to last much longer._

Mike took several deep breaths before moving toward the edge of the bed. He placed a few wet kisses on her stomach while teasing her with his fingers. Again she arched into him as he ran a couple inside her and teased her clit. He kissed the inside of her thigh and continued to thrust his fingers inside her eliciting a loud moan from her. After spreading her further he slowly ran his tongue up and around her clit. Jesse pressed into him and sharply inhaled. Misunderstanding her reaction he continued.

Jesse gripped the sheets and tried hard to enjoy what he was doing. He was the first guy to perform oral on her and she wasn’t entirely sure she liked it. A small whimper left her tight lips as he gently sucked her center while continuing to finger her. Unable to take any more she shook her head and whispered fearfully, “Stop, please, stop.”

Mike immediately stopped his ministrations and studied her. She kept her eyes slammed shut as she gripped the sheets tightly. Fear filled her anxious face. This is not the reaction he was hoping for. Her short rapid breathing was the only sound that filled the darkening room.

“Angel, I’m… I’m sorry.” He whispered while moving closer to her.

“W…w..why?” she stammered.

He took her in his arms. When he felt her tremble he mentally kicked himself. “Angel, I…god…I thought you’d enjoy it. I’m sorry, god, Angel, I’m sorry. I should have asked first.”

He held her tightly while tenderly running his fingers through her hair. She continued to shiver against his embrace. He hurt not out of rejection, but because he’d done something to cause her discomfort. He only wanted to please her like she’d done for him so many times.

“Angel, I’m sorry. I promise I won’t try anything new without asking first. I want you to be open and honest with me about your likes and dislikes and I promise I will do the same with you.”

Jesse lay quietly knowing there wouldn’t be a next time. This was it. The last night she’d be with him; the first guy to ever take in consideration her wants and likes and not demand things be done his way. Tears quietly ran down her cheeks dotting the cornflower sheets.

“It’s ok.” She whispered.

He gently pushed her away. Sadness filled his heart as he tenderly wiped the tears from her face. “Jesse, no it’s not. I broke a rule by not asking if I could do something to you, and by doing so I broke the trust you had with me in bed. Baby, sex is not just about me. I wanted to do something special for you, something I thought you’d enjoy. Jess, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It wasn’t my intent to scare you. Please forgive me, like I said no more new stuff without asking first.”

She nestled her face against his strong yet gentle hand. “It’s ok, really. You just caught me off guard. I’ve never had _that_ done to me. I didn’t know that guys would…. you know….do oral on a girl.”

He laughed quietly. “Wanna know something? You’re, uh, um, the…the, uh, first I’ve done it to. I read it in a magazine once, but never had the courage till you. Funny it seems I’ve had a lot of firsts with you.”

Jesse giggled. “Really, an amazingly hot guy like you has a few things he hasn’t done with a girl?!”

“Well, I’m shy and am very picky about whom I date let alone sleep with.” He stated while leaning over her. “Now how about we pick up where we left off? I promise no kinky stuff without asking.”

She nodded softly while wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Picky, huh? Wonder what makes me so special.” She muttered, her lips brushing against his.

Before Mike could answer she pressed her lips to his and gave an intensely passion filled kiss.

E!

“Look, how many times do I have to tell you! I was on duty at the time. What do you mean I’m not on the duty roster?! My last pay stub shows I was!”

Johnny hesitated at the door to the dorm. He’d heard Jesse’s anger filled voice from the bay, but didn’t know till now why. Apparently she was still fighting the bills he’d accidently seen. He didn’t mean to pry, but when he saw the familiar ‘Past Due’ written on a letter hanging out of her locker he couldn’t help it.

“Call anyone from Cedar Creek’s station 12; they will confirm I was there!”

Eerie silence filled the dorm for several minutes before a loud slam radiated from the room.

“Son of a bitch! That bastard! I’m sorry that’s not directed at you. Look, ma’am I understand you are doing your job, but hell, I watched my partner die, spent almost five months in the hospital, and now I’m fighting with you. I just want the bills covered and for all this to be done. I’ve been arguing with ya’ll for almost a year. In all honesty I am tired.”

On the other side of the door Johnny sighed quietly. He hated seeing her struggle. At first he thought nothing of her occasionally taking a few leftovers home. Hell, he’s done it especially if Mike had cooked them. However that changed a few days ago when he overheard her on the phone with her landlord asking for an extension on the rent’s due date and today for the fourth time in a row she’s walked to work. He silently argued with himself. Technically this was none of his business, but Jesse is family whether she likes it or not. He couldn’t leave a part of his family struggling. He’d already decided to offer her a ride home after shift assuming Mike hadn’t already done so.

“Yes ma’am I will send you the paperwork again.” Said Jesse exasperatedly.

Johnny waited till he heard her roughly place the phone down before heading in.

“Oh, hey Jess, I didn’t know you were in here. Do I need ta, you know, leave or anything?”

She shook her head and swiveled away from the small desk. She kept her head lowered as she picked at the crease in the navy blue pants. Johnny inhaled deeply while sitting on Cap’s bunk.

“Uh, Jesse, is everything ok? I accidently heard you on the phone…”

Jesse’s eyes met his for a brief instant. They glinted with anger. Both he and Mike knew more about her than she wanted them too. When she first came to Carson she promised herself she wouldn’t allow herself to become close to any of her coworkers. She’d already broken that by dating the station’s engineer, and planned to remedy that in a week or so.

 “Hon, it wasn’t my intention I promise. I was on my way to the locker room and I heard you raise your voice which is rare for you. Jesse, if you need anything all ya have to do is ask any of us. I’m assuming, based on what little I heard, you’re fighting department insurance over your and Brandon’s accident. Sweetheart, I know a really good lawyer. He helped me and Roy out of a really tight spot once.”

He tensed up preparing for an outburst. Instead she calmly got up and headed for the latrine her eyes never left the floor.

“I don’t need help, Gage.” She whispered on her way out.

Johnny shook his head sadly. Jesse was once again withdrawing deep within herself. As much as he hated to it was time to bring everything to Captain Stanley’s attention.

E!

Jesse lay sprawled on the sofa debating on calling Mike. She’d promised she’d talk to him soon about Brandon’s death. Of course that was two weeks ago, but with the anniversary right around the corner she needed to talk with someone. Talk or resort to cutting again. She absent mindedly ran her fingers down the latest cut. Mike hadn’t seen it yet and she hoped by placing it on her shin he’d believe her story of tripping while running.

_Shit, I can’t keep going like this. I need to tell him so he won’t tell Captain the truth behind everything. Tell him then break up._

Giving a long loud sigh she picked up the phone and dialed his number. After three rings he picked up.

_“Stoker here.”_

“Hey Michael, it’s me.” Jesse whispered anxiously.

_“Hey you. What’s wrong? You sound upset.”_

Jesse paused and nervously wrapped the cord around a finger. _Well no turning back now._

“Uh ,ummm, I know we have an agreement about not being together the night before a shift, but I…I…”

Mike sat quietly knowing the reason she’d called. He’d noticed that lately she’s been withdrawing again. Withdrawing and not eating well. He inhaled softly.

_“Jesse, do I need to come over?”_

“Uh, y…yeah. I know it’s late, and I’m s-s-sorry.”

_“Baby, its ok. I told you to call if you needed me and besides it’s not that late. I’ll swing by Dave’s on my way over so I can get you something to eat besides peanut butter sandwiches.”_

“Ok, I’ll see you in a little while.”

Jesse hung up the phone worried if she’d made the right decision. She couldn’t lose the one thing she had left, firefighting.

_I can replace him. He’s just a guy._

She knelt by a box in the hallway and hesitantly opened the flaps. Inside were all the things that reminded her of her brother. Tears threated her tired eyes. As she dug through the contents a twang of guilt hit her. Mike wasn’t ‘doing’ her to be facetious. He honestly liked her and wanted to help her. He’s the first man to actually care about her.

E!

Mike backed into a parking place by her truck and stared at her door. He wanted this to be the beginning of healing for her. By talking to him first he hoped she’d gain the courage to talk with Dr. Burrows. He wanted to meet the real Jesse. She’d allowed a few short glimpses and he loved it.

_No matter what you tell me, it doesn’t change how I feel about you._

Taking a deep breath he grabbed the pizza and drinks and headed toward her apartment. At the top of the stairs Mrs. Dunlap greeted him on her way down.

 “Ah Michael! You’re here to see Jesse, no doubt.”

Mike smiled as he responded. “Yes ma’am. I figured we’d hang out and watch a game together.”

 She placed a frail hand on his arm and returned his smile.

“I’m glad she has someone to watch out for her, especially someone so handsome. Promise me that while you are together you will take care of her.”

He stood back surprised. He didn’t know she was aware of his and Jesse’s relationship. “I...I...uh. Yes ma’am.”

Mrs. Dunlap laughed and continued slowly down the stairs. “Have a good day, Michael, and don’t let your relationship affect your jobs.”

He stood for a few moments stunned. Not only did she know of his relationship with Jesse, she knew they work together.

_Even in her old age Mrs. Dunlap sure is observant. I thought I’ve been careful about not wearing my uniform when I come here. How did she find out?_

Gaining his composure he knocked on Jesse’s door.

E!

Jesse quickly wiped the tears from her eyes when she heard a knock on the door. After making sure the photograph was turned face down she went to answer the door. A wave of panic hit hard. Her heart thundered loudly in her ears and she became short of breath. Tightness gripped her chest as she leaned back against the wall next to the door. Again a loud knock filled the apartment. Dizziness caused the room to spin wildly. While sliding to the floor her hands fumbled with the lock.

Mike raised his hand to knock a third time, but the sound of a soft thud stopped him. His heart raced. He knew she was struggling lately and he still didn’t fully believe her claim that suicide wasn’t an option.

_Did she call me because she attempted then regretted her decision? God if I’d know that’s what she’d done I wouldn’t have wasted time getting food._

“Jesse?! Come on, baby, open the door!” he yelled at the closed door.

Jesse tried again to unlock the door. Her body began to tingle telling her she was hyperventilating. She groaned loudly as the first feeble attempt failed. Again she raised a shaking hand toward the knob and this time was able to turn the lock before falling back against the wall. She cupped her hands around her nose and mouth attempting to breathe her own co2.

Hearing the familiar click of the lock Mike turned the knob frantically and rushed into the apartment. His fear filled eyes scanned the apartment. Looking to the left he saw her leaned against the wall. He quickly set the pizza on the table.

“Jesse, baby, look at me.” He stated while kneeling beside her.

His baby blue eyes searched her anxiously for signs of injury. Finding no life threatening ones he gently took her face in his hands and turned it toward him. Her face was filled with panic and she trembled uncontrollably. Jesse’s breaths came in short, rapid succession. Suddenly it hit him; she hadn’t harmed herself. She was in a full blown panic attack. His eyes searched quickly for anything she could breathe into.

Jesse was vaguely aware someone was in the apartment with her. Fear and panic made thinking nearly impossible. Knowing she needed to calm down she placed her hands over her face again and feebly attempted to breathe in the carbon dioxide. The feeling of gentle hands moving hers and something being placed over her mouth and nose caused the panic to grow. She batted at the hands.

“Jesse, baby, it’s Mike. Its ok, slow your breathing, that’s it. Slower, baby, focus.”

E!

The haze slowly began to lift as the tingling numbness left her now exhausted body. Unable to maintain an upright position she began to lean over. Mike sensing her weakness gathered her in his arms and headed for the couch. She seemed lighter and smaller than the last time he carried her. His eyebrows knit together in worry. Jesse didn’t have any more weight to lose. He is surprised she is able to perform her duties. After making sure she was comfortable he tenderly draped a blanket over her.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“For what, baby?” He asked while softly moving her hair.

Jesse averted her eyes to cover the tears that were beginning to pool. “Making you worry.”

“Jess, answer me honestly. Have you been taking your meds properly?”

Knowing she couldn’t lie she shook her head slowly. After paying on the other medical bills there was barely enough left for rent and electricity let alone the antidepressants. She’d stretched the remaining pills out by cutting them in half, but ran out last week. It was still a week until payday. Living in southern California was more expensive than originally thought.

“Baby, you agreed to take them. Why have you broken our agreement?” He asked softly.

She inhaled deeply not wanting to tell him the truth. If she did he would get them for her and anything else he felt she needed. She was too prideful to let him or anyone else help. She focused on the imperfections on the back of the couch feeling ashamed she couldn’t provide her own basic needs.

“I’m out.” She stated barely audible.

“Why didn’t you say something? I could’ve picked it up on the way over. The pharmacy is on the way.”

When she refused to give an answer Mike sat quietly thinking. He ran through the list of things he’s noticed about Jesse’s arrangements.

_Shady Grove is the cheapest apartment complex in LA County at $140 a month, a high price for such shitty living conditions. There is rarely any decent food here. On more than one occasion I’ve seen her walking to the station from the bus stop and sneaking in hoping no one saw her doing so. A few times she’s taken leftovers home, again hoping no one noticed. She has massive medical debt that should have been covered by worker’s comp but isn’t._ _Jesse’s barely making it and is too ashamed to ask for help. Compound that with self-blame depression no wonder she seems at the end of her rope._

“Here’s what we are going to do. I’m heading down to the pharmacy and picking up your meds…”

Jesse bolted upright sending the quilt to the floor. “I can’t…I won’t allow you to.”

Mike gently pressed her back down and covered her again. “You can and you will. If you insist you can pay me back on pay day. After I return we’ll eat and you can talk to me about whatever it is that has you so upset. For now I want you to stay on this couch and rest.”

She inhaled sharply signaling her displeasure. “You’re not going to take ‘no’ for an answer are you?”

“Nope. I’m going to do it and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop me.” He stated before giving her a soft kiss.

In the kitchen he placed the pizza in the oven to keep it warm. After making sure she wasn’t paying attention he quickly folded the medical bills in half and placed them in his pocket. He’d called the attorney that helped Johnny and Roy when they were falsely accused of theft. Barney asked for a copy of the bills and any other paperwork she had pertaining to her previous assignment. Mike knew if she found out about this she’d be furious, but he felt a strong urge to help her seek a second opinion. His eyes scanned the counter for the familiar manila folder that held the other paperwork he needed. He turned away from the living room before shoving it into the waist band of his jeans and covering it with his shirt.

“Ok, baby, I put the pizza in the oven to stay warm. I will be back soon.”

E!

“Hey, Johnny, it’s Mike.”

Mike leaned heavily against the wall of the narrow phone booth. A strong odor caused him to open the door quickly allowing a breeze of fresh air to enter the stale area.

_“Yeah, what’s up?”_

“Can you meet me at Foster’s Pharmacy in ten minutes? I have some paper work I need you to hang on to for me.”

Johnny paused before answering. _“Uh, yeah, ok. I would like to know what I’m hanging on to though.”_

Mike shifted impatiently. He’d hoped Johnny wouldn’t ask him about it, but deep inside he knew better. Johnny is cautious when it comes to things of this nature.

“I’ll tell you when you get here.” Mike stated impatiently.

_“Ok, ok, fine, I’ll be there in ten._ ”

Mike left the papers with the front counter person so they could make copies of them while he picked up Jesse’s medication. He hoped Jesse wouldn’t be too angry with him. He was only trying to help. It’s obvious she wasn’t getting anywhere by herself and was too proud to ask for help.

“Mike Stoker, it’s been awhile! Please don’t tell me you were hurt on the job.”

Mike looked up into the kind eyes of the elderly pharmacist. “No, Frank, I’m doing ok. Actually I’m here to pick up for a friend.”

Frank adjusted the note pad in front of him. “Well, I’m sorry about your friend, but I am glad you are ok. Now who you picking up for? John Gage?”

Mike chuckled. “Uh, no, not this time. It’s, umm, for Jesse Johnson.”

Frank knit his brow in worry. “Jesse? I didn’t know she was at your station. She called in her refill over a week ago and never picked it up. Is she ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, she just, umm, uh, had something come up and couldn’t make it down.”

“Well, please let her know not to let that ‘something’ stop her from picking up her meds. She can always take care of that at another time.” Frank answered as he placed two bottles on the counter.

Mike furrowed his brow as he studied the bottles. She’d requested more Seconal even though she had plenty. He pushed the bottle back toward the pharmacist.

“Frank, she has plenty of that at home. I’m leaving it here.”

“Ok, then that makes your total $4.75.”

E!

Johnny watched Mike leave Foster’s. In one hand he carried a small stack of paperwork and in the other was the familiar white bag of a prescription. He knew Mike didn’t take any prescription medication, so it had to be Jesse’s. He shook his head. He’d hoped Mike would be the responsible one and break off the relationship, but it’s obvious he isn’t going to do so. Johnny faked a smile as Mike jogged to meet him.

“Hey, Johnny, thanks for meeting me.”

“No problem. What is so important that you can’t hang on to it yourself?” He cringed at his last statement. He didn’t mean to sound so annoyed.

“Uh, well, it’s some of Jesse’s workman’s comp paperwork. I’m supposed to take it to Barney sometime this week….”

Johnny leaned heavily against the Rover and shook his head. “And let me guess, you took it without asking her.”

“Look, all I am trying to do is help her!”

Johnny held the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “Help her how, Mike?! By sleeping with her?! Are you so blind that you can’t see she’s using you!”

Mike closed the gap between the two of them.  He stood so close to the young paramedic that he could smell his cologne. “How, Gage, how is she using me?”

Johnny showed no sign of backing down. Mike needed to see the truth about Jesse.

“Since she’s been sneaking around and fucking with you she hasn’t once cut. Mike, you’re her replacement.”

Johnny shook his head sadly. He knew Mike was happy with her and hated telling him the truth. He inhaled deeply.

“As long as she has to sneak around to be with you she won’t cut, but Mike, she’s gonna get bored with you. It’s just a matter of time. Jesse is searching for anything to ease the pain, but she is searching in all the wrong places. I just hope this time she doesn’t screw up and cut too deep in the wrong place, because the only phone call will go to Cap to let him know that she won’t be at work. She has no one else.”

Mike stepped back and hung his head. “I’m sorry, but I think you’re wrong about her.”

Johnny sighed sadly hoping that Mike was the one who was right. “I hope I am. Yeah I’ll hang on to the papers for ya, but understand this is the last time I help you help her.”

Mike reluctantly handed the papers to his best friend. He couldn’t believe that Johnny thought he was being used.

_Jesse is not that kind of person, but Johnny does have a point. She hasn’t resorted to self-harm the entire time I’ve been having sex with her. You don’t just drop cutting, not without some sort of standby. Am I truly her replacement? Is she just toying with me?_

_E!_

Jesse sat on the edge of the tub with her head in her hands. The straight razor rested between her palm and temple. An internal battle raged. Her head tried to convince her to cut; to ease the torment by laying her flesh open. However her heart reminded her how much Mike cares; how he treats her like she is valuable. Tears flowed unrestricted down her face and spotted the floor. Shame and guilt coursed through her veins like adrenaline.

_Can I trust him with the truth? How I murdered my brother? Will he still want me?_


	15. Chapter 15

Ch. 15

“Hey, Jess?” Mike called out as he opened the door.

He shook his head while turning on the overhead light. He still did not understand why she preferred to stay in darkness. It wasn’t healthy. Darkness only fuels depression. After placing the medication on the counter he looked to the couch expecting to see her curled up asleep. It was vacant with the quilt folded neatly on the back. He knit his eyebrows together in confusion. He’d asked her to stay there till he got back.

“Jesse?!” he called again.

The quiet stillness of the apartment was deafening. He swallowed hard attempting to stall the panic that threatened to overtake him.

_Calm down! She may have gone to lie in bed._

He slowly made his way down the narrow hallway to avoid the unpacked boxes that still lined the wall. Again he shook his head knowing they were left packed because of her fear of commitment. If she unpacked it would seem too permanent. Light peeked through the almost closed bathroom door casting an eerie yellow glow. He raised a shaky hand and cautiously opened the door. Steam rushed out to greet him, glad to be free of the confines of the bathroom. Her clothes lay haphazardly on the floor covered by a navy towel. Other than that it was vacant.

His eyes fell to the closed bedroom door. He’d only entered it once before to wake her for the first appointment with Dr. Burrows. Jesse spent the night at his place when they were intimate saying she didn’t want to give Bobby and his friends something to talk about. Sadness settled over him with the realization that she’d used him. She stayed with him so when she broke up there would be nothing here to remind her of him. He knocked softly on the door causing it to open slightly.

He peeked around it. Cringing at the cold air that hit him. “Hey, uh, Jess?”

Motion from a corner caught his eye. In the dim light he could barely make out Jesse. She sat with her knees against her chest in the corner between the bed and closet wiping her eyes frantically.

“Yeah, give me a second.”

Mike entered the cold and dark room. The sheets on the bed were in disarray, the blankets piled on the floor at the foot hinting at a fitful night’s sleep. The scent of lavender greeted him confirming she’d recently showered. He sat on the edge of the bed close to her.

“Baby, are you ok?” he inquired softly.

“Yeah.” Came her small voice.

She didn’t want to admit she wasn’t that it took every bit of strength she had to keep from cutting. She argued with herself in the shower finally drenching her body with cold water to lessen the feelings. However the thought of it still pulled at her mind. Finally she made a retreat to the bedroom. She didn’t dry her hair hoping the cold air hitting the dampness would help keep the temptation at bay. A rush of relief hit her when she’d heard him call for her. The temptation of cutting replaced with a feeling of guilt.

“Jesse, no you’re not. I can tell. You’re sitting here shivering in darkness. Baby, please talk to me; let me help you.”

Jesse sniffled. “Can I ask you something and you give me a straight forward honest answer?”

Mike slid to the floor in front of her and wrapped his arms loosely around her. “Jesse, have I ever lied to you? Yes, I will give an honest answer.”

“Stoker, why? Why are you so intent on helping me? More importantly, why are you ‘dating’ me?”

He held his breath wondering why she’d ask such a question. How could he put into words what he felt when he was with her?  

_Was she always this insecure or was it the accident that caused it?_

“Angel, I want to meet the ‘real’ you, the beautiful fun loving girl with a smile that lights up a room. You’ve given me small glimpses of her that leave me wanting more, like when we were at the beach and you tackled me or when you playful tease me during foreplay. As far as why I am dating you, baby, you’re beautiful, smart, playful and incredibly brave just to name a few. I don’t have to worry about you if something were to happen to me.”

He bit his tongue and mentally kicked himself for letting the last sentence slip.  He wanted a long term relationship. He hadn’t said anything before, because he wasn’t sure how she’d handle the news. Now in his rush to answer her question he’d let it out.

 Jesse wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Stoker, you deserve better. I’m severely depressed. I lie, hurt myself, and would rather be alone than spend time with the guys at the station. I’m scared of commitment.”

She paused and inhaled deeply. She had to address his implied want of a long term relationship. The thought of him actually wanting her scared her tremendously.

“I’m terrified of being with anyone. I’m afraid I will lose you, too.” She whispered.

He sat in stunned silence. Her words resonated in his mind. ‘ _I’m afraid I will lose you, too’._ So that was it. Her previous partner was much more than that.

_She lost not only a partner and friend, but a lover._

“Jesse, please talk to me, tell me what happened.” He stated while pulling her in a warm embrace.

She didn’t try to pull away but didn’t lean against him either. “I will tell you, but when I am done “we” are too.”

Mike sat in stunned silence. Johnny was right. Jesse was using him and now she is breaking up. “Baby, I told you before I won’t judge…”

She pushed away. “I know you won’t, but I seriously doubt you’d want to be with me after hearing this.”

He held her gently by the shoulders. “Jesse, look at me.”

He waited patiently for her eyes to meet his. “Jesse, you’re jumping to conclusions. What ever happened I promise it will not affect my relationship with you. Please, baby, talk to me.”

She sighed loudly as she stood. “Let’s go to the living room. It’s a long story.”

E!

Jesse ran a hand through her tousled black hair and fell roughly to the sofa. Trying to figure out how to exactly begin the story proved difficult. In order for him to fully understand what she’d done he’d have to know everything. She watched Mike settle near her on the couch. Inhaling deeply she began.

“A while back you asked about the necklace I wear, the one with Saint Florian. It belonged to my partner, Brandon Weaver. He never took it off, not even to shower. He believed that this Saint would protect him as he performed his duty as fire fighter. Brandon was religious and well I am not. I find it hard to believe in a loving God with all this evil in the world, but that’s a discussion for another day.”

She shifted on the couch still not sure on how to weave the tale that lead to her living in southern California. He sat quietly observing her silent struggle.

“So I guess I will start from the beginning. It was Thanksgiving day last year. To say the station was busy would be an understatement. We’d get finished with one call and another would be right on its heels. Finally around midnight Brandon and I were able to head to the dorm. Surprisingly we were able to sleep till around one-thirty. The tones dropped calling the station to an abandoned warehouse on the south side of our district.”

Jesse paused and recalled mentally that night in vivid detail. She could almost smell the acrid smoke in the air and feel the heat radiating off the building. She visualized the smile Brandon had on his face as he said ‘It’s a hot one!’ A shiver ran up her spine.

“Davis pulled the engine on the north side of the structure. Brandon tapped the hydrant while I pulled a two and a half off the rig. Captain Moore didn’t hesitate to send us deep within the warehouse. I didn’t feel right about it, but I knew better than to question _his_ judgment. Brandon and I carefully made our way through what was supposed to be a vacant empty structure. Just a few feet in we realized someone stored countless drums of flammable solvents. They weren’t listed of our plan of attack for this structure. Brandon radioed Captain and informed him of the situation; we were informed to keep going. Again we obeyed.”

Mike sat quietly, anger welling in his chest. He couldn’t believe a Captain would knowingly send his men into a dangerous situation. He reached out and placed a soft hand on her shoulder. She recoiled from him causing him to withdraw it in hurt.

“Brandon and I fought for well over two hours. We fought hard against the raging inferno but made little to no progress. The leaking barrels fueled the fire faster than we could put it out. We had just changed positions for what seemed the hundredth time when Captain finally told us to evacuate. I was on the nozzle and refused to give up. I had fought for two hours and I was pissed, not ready to admit defeat. Brandon let me be for a few minutes before reminding me of how Captain Moore dealt with insubordination.”

Again she shivered. The shift prior to Thanksgiving Captain had beaten her for not hanging the washed hose. Hoover again tried to defend her by reminding the Captain the medics were running all day with no break, but Captain Moore said there were no excuses. Hoover left the office with a busted lip.

“So I lead us toward egress. I made sure Brandon had a firm grip on me before I moved. It was our thing to make sure neither of us was left behind. The warehouse was a mess, overturned boxes and drums littered the floor, and attack lines posed a tripping hazard.  The thick black smoke impeded our vision so we were going by feel. We’d gone maybe five hundred feet when I felt the floor suddenly shift under my feet. I thought it odd that a solid floor would shift. Captain said nothing about a basement.”

Mike watched in silence as tears quietly ran down her cheeks. He wanted so badly to hold her and run his fingers softly through her hair. Knowing she’d probably recoil from him again he restrained himself.

Jesse rose from the couch and headed toward the kitchen. Her mind was frantic. Part of her wanted so desperately to reach out for help, to let someone know what happened, the other part reminded her she was guilty and beyond help. Mike watched her intently wondering what she was up to. At first she just leaned heavily against the counter while frantically wiping her face. She pulled a pack of cigarettes from a drawer. Her hands fumbled with the lighter. After taking a long drag she continued.

“I turned around to grab Brandon, but he was gone.  All that remained was a gaping hole with embers and smoke pouring out of it. I fell to my stomach and crawled to the edge. That’s when I saw him hanging onto a beam dangling above the fire below. I grabbed him by his SCBA straps and tried to pull him to safety, but between my awkward positioning and his weight I just couldn’t do it. I…I wasn’t strong enough. “

 “Brandon looked straight into my eyes and told me to let him go; he didn’t want me falling too. His last words to me were he’d always be with me. Michael, he’s dead! It’s my fault; if I had left when commanded or if I’d been stronger and was able to pull him up. If only I had sounded the floor before walking across it. Better yet if I hadn’t been there, h..he…he’d still be alive.”

Jesse began to sob with raw emotion pouring forth. Mike got up and took the cigarette from her, placing it in the ashtray nearby. Taking her into an embrace he let her cry. It was long overdue. She buried her face into his shoulder and continued weeping. It was then that he realized how much weight she’d lost in just two weeks. Jesse was small to begin with, now she was too small. He gently stroked her hair silently. After several minutes she pulled away.

 “Sorry about your shirt.”

Mike shrugged as he tenderly wiped her tears away with his calloused fingers. “They are just tears, no big deal. It will dry. Your relationship with Brandon was more than just partners wasn’t it?”

“Yes but not in how you’re thinking. He was my brother.”

 Mike continued to wipe the tears from her face. Her heart rate increased. Never had a guy shown her such tenderness.

“Jess, that’s how we all feel about the people we work with.”

Jesse shook her head. “No Michael. He was my _brother_.”

She turned over the picture frame on the counter and passed it to him.

“That’s me and Brandon. That picture was taken right after we had finished our first live burn at the academy.”

Mike stared in shock at the photo. The pair stood in front of a vacant block building. Smoke still rose from the structure. In the background he could make out charged lines. Brandon and Jesse looked exactly alike, and not because they were both wearing full turnouts. They had the same dark hair, same facial structure, same beautiful honey colored skin and even the same crooked smile. The only difference was their gender. Even the way they had posed for the picture was the same.

 “Jess? How’d…I mean…You have different last names!”

Mike looked at her obviously in shock. She only smiled.

“See I told you he was my brother.”

E!

“Jess, I’m a little confused. You and Brandon have a different last name which means you came from different families. How is it that you look exactly alike?”

Jesse gave a weak tired smile. Telling him about Brandon’s death lifted some of the weight off her shoulders but telling the tale left her exhausted. She returned to the comfort of the sofa.

“Well, as you can tell from the picture we are twins. From what my adoptive parents told me our birth father died in a hit and run accident before we were born. Our birth mother couldn’t give the kind of care we needed. We were born premature and needed intensive medical care. Our prognosis wasn’t good. The doctors said we’d be lucky if we made it past a month old. To their surprise we thrived.”

“Nobody wanted to take two special needs infants at the same time. Brandon and I were separated and adopted individually. My adoptive parents were always honest with me about my adoption, so I knew I had a twin brother somewhere. When I was younger I asked if they knew where he was, but they didn’t know. They only knew he existed.”

Mike inhaled softly glad she had parents that loved her despite her heritage. He knew from Johnny that many children off the Res weren’t so lucky.

“So you were separated at birth? How’d did you meet?”

Jesse gave a soft smile. “Would you believe at the fire academy? He literally ran into me on his way to lecture. His books went everywhere.  He was very apologetic as I helped him pick up them up. When he finally looked up he was speechless and I was stunned.  I mean it was like looking in a mirror. After a few awkward moments we spent the afternoon asking each other questions. We found out that the answers to the questions were exactly the same. We missed lecture and that cost us big time. We had to do extra laps during physical training for a month, but it was worth it. I’d found my brother. We were inseparable till his death.”

 Jesse stopped for a moment as she felt her emotions getting out of hand. She missed Brandon. While taking several deep breaths she frantically wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. The pain was starting to be more than she could bear.

After gaining her composure she continued. “He even applied to the same department I did, and requested the same station. Headquarters didn’t question it because we had different last names and were interviewed by different people. You should have seen the look on Captain Moore’s face when we arrived for our first day. I remember him saying in his thick gravelly voice: ‘Shit you’ve got to be kidding me. Headquarters sent me fucking twins? What the hell am I supposed to do with twins?’ It was priceless; I had never seen someone so frustrated. In that frustration Captain nicknamed us Thing One and Thing Two. He tried to get one of us reassigned, but since the department was short on firefighters we got to stay together. I believe that’s what riled him up the most, knowing he knew he had no control over it.”

Jesse paused debating on telling Mike how much Captain despised her. She softly shook her head. Captain Stanley wasn’t anything like Captain Moore and there was no sense in dragging up that too.

 “We were quite the team. We always knew what the other was thinking. Brandon convinced me to go to rescue school though I’m terrified of heights.  He worked with me every night on the ropes wall. We shared a lot of good times on top of that wall. It was where we could be open with one another without all the distractions. He told me about his family and how much they wanted to meet me. He dragged me over for Christmas one year. Talk about awkward. They were Catholic and I had no religion.  They took me in as one of their own. Like I mentioned before I lost my parents earlier that year in a vehicle accident, so I enjoyed having them around. They were like my second family and I lost them too. I can’t face them, not after what I let happen to Brandon.”

 “We’d only known each other for four years. When he died I felt as though I lost a part of myself, a part I can never get back.  It’s even worse knowing it was my fault. As the senior medic he was my responsibility.”

Mike bit his lip contemplating his next move. She’d made it clear that once he knew she was cutting off their relationship. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose the first girl he’s felt this strongly about.

_Jesse is extremely fragile and vulnerable. She trusted me enough to talk. Now I can’t mess it up or she’ll shut down for good. Based on what she told me I don’t see how Brandon’s death was her fault. How do I help her understand that?_

Gently taking her shoulders he turned her toward him. He pulled her close against his chest and wrapped his arms around her. Jess seemed to disappear in his embrace. She buried her face in his shoulder and began to cry harder.

“I killed him. Michael, I killed him! I let my brother die “ she wept.

 He held her tightly as he felt her small frame shaking in his arms. Mike ran his fingers softly through her hair. He hoped this was the beginning of the healing process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say thank you to all those who have taken the time to read and especially to those who left criticism.


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